The Hero Killed the Clown

May 28, 2009 at 11:43 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments
Tags: almond butter, anxiety, apple, art, bumble bar, chicken, earth grains, eating disorder, ezekiel cereal, flax, food, greek, hayden christensen, hummus, jason's deli, larabar, mediterranean, strawberries, stress, sweet potato, wrap

“Health is not merely the absence of disease, it is the balance of mind, body and soul.”

Bonjour loves! Though I wish it weren’t true, today has definitely been a bit of a struggle for me… especially when juxtaposed with yesterday’s wonderful events. But hey, not every day can be perfect, right? I started my morning off simply with 2 slices of whole grain toast (I recently purchased Earth Grains Bread, which is really hearty and delicious!) spread with 2 tbsp. of almond butter and an apple. I had this with my usual Carnation Instant Breakfast.Oh, how I wish the sun would come out in the mornings! Today’s gloominess just wasn’t the same as yesterday’s, if that makes any sense.

Today’s talk with my psychologist was pretty heavy. Dr. Bohanon and I discussed about how I felt about my mother and I got ALOT off of my chest. You see, one of my main struggles with her is the fact that she keeps losing weight. Now hold on, KARINA is not jealous of this. However, my ED is. My ED can’t stand the fact that my mother keeps losing “unintentional” weight and is now accusing my mom of having an eating disorder as well. The fact that my mom asks me for the calorie content in meals at restaurants doesn’t help put my mind at ease either. Everytime I hang out with a friend they say: “Your mom looks skinnier than last time.” When we go out to places we frequent, someone always has to ask my mom: “You have lost so much weight, how are you doing it? You are so thin!” That is what people used to ask me. They don’t ask me that anymore and it just destroys me. With my mom losing weight like this, I don’t feel like I can ever recover because my ED is just making it a competition. I have talked to her about this a few times, and she just laughs at my accusation (or gets upset) and tells me that this is how her body reacts to stress, by losing weight. I just don’t know what to think.

While I was at the appointment, I had a chai tea Bumble Bar. I love those things, especially in this flavor because it has the perfect blend of spicy and sweet with a hint of saltiness.

Since we were in the area, I ate lunch at Jason’s Deli with my mom and dad. This was a nice treat considering how heavy my therapist’s visit was! My mom and I both enjoyed the same delicious meal: The Mediterranean Wrap. Damn, that is some good hummus they use in that wrap! It is amazing, Panera Bread’s chicken noodle soup used to be my comfort food. Now Jason’s Deli sandwiches are my new comfort food… they always make me feel better no matter what!

I took a geometry and biology test at school and they were both a piece of cake. When I finished those up, I walked over to HEB and went grocery shopping for my mom. While I was there, I had a snack: a peach flavored Brown Cow cream top. I was wondering… does anyone else enjoy these? I think I am obsessed! While I was at the market, I received a phone call from my newspaper staff members inviting me to the newspaper banquet tonight. It made me happy that they thought of inviting me despite the fact that I haven’t been at school! I’m not going to lie though, being invited to a party caused me a lot of anxiety since I tend to isolate myself from social activity.

Dinner today was a typical Karina meal… only smaller. I only had 4 oz. of chicken, some sweet potato fries dipped in hummus, and broccoli. I know I should have eaten more and I’d like to be honest: today I allowed myself to restrict. I just did not feel the strength today to overpower my ED because I felt drained from the day’s events, nervous about school, and anxious about the party I was going to. I am only human, I am not Hercules so I am not going to hate myself or put myself down because I did not make my calories for one day because you know what? I KNOW that I have the strength in me, and I won’t let myself fall into a relapse. Sometimes to take a few steps forward, you have to take one step back. Today was just a little bump in the road, right?

I finished getting ready for the banquet after dinner and felt really nervous. What will people say? Will they ask me weird questions? How much are they going to talk about me tomorrow? What if they ask me about my ED!? These were all questions running throught my head. Going to parties used to be something I looked forward to, but today they became the foundation of my anxiety. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, I felt very welcome upon entering the room as I walked into a circle of smiling people I once spent every 5th period with. However, I felt saddened when people shared inside jokes and memories that I wasn’t included in due to my absence. Of course they were not excluding me on purpose since everyone on the newspaper staff is very sweet, but I felt completely left out. And when the seniors had to say something positive about everyone in the room, very few of their comments about me felt genuine because I wasn’t in class enough this year to have made memories with them. It is ok though, because at least they remembered to call. I ate a Cherry Pie Larabar and a few Nerds! (yep, candy :O)While we are on the topic of candy, does anybody else find Hayden Christensen to be absolutely delicious?

I had a little bowl of Ezekiel Golden Flax cereal with a 1/2 c. of Carnation Instant Breakfast. I just bought that cereal today at HEB and I found this flavor to be even better than the original. It had a fantastic, nutty taste.

I’m going to go get some rest because I am pooped right now. I have to wake up early to study for a history test which I am taking at 10, then I have to see my nutritionist, and then I have ANOTHER appointment with my psychologist. He emailed me after our appointment to tell me that he was left concerned at the end of our session and thought it may be a good idea to see me again before he left out of town for a week to an ED conference. I’m glad he emailed me because it shows he does care about me getting better, which helps me put my trust into the treatment I’m receiving. Tomorrow will be better and I know it.

Stay strong and stay positive everyone!

Like this:

Be the first to like this post.

13 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Three cheers for hunger! had it again at lunch!!! Woop!
One day is not the end of the world and as long as you keep on top of it, it doesn’t matter. There will always be potholes in the track.
Yay for getting out to the banquet! Please give me the number of your psychologist he seems brilliant (more than I can say for Jessie-bleugh)
Hayden Christinsen is MEGA hot lol. Did you see Jumper? Great film!
Loved the blog today
Btw, how DO you manage to cut the sweet potato into fries, they are so hard.
much love xx

Comment by Emma— May 29, 2009 #

Reply
- Sorry you haven’t had so much luck with your therapist >.< It is REALLY hard to find one that you can click with.
  
  YES, I've seen Jumper. But I didn't enjoy it because I was jealous of that little dwarf Rachel Bilson the entire time. I used to be OBSESSED with Hayden so I hated any woman that got within a mile of him, hahaha.
  
  I actually DON'T cut them myself I buy the frozen ones by Alexia and they are sooooo yummy!
  
  Comment by Karina Pinzon— May 29, 2009 #
  
  Reply
Okay…I thought I commented but I guess my computer is being stupid right now?

Anyways, lovey…so sorry about the sitch with your mom. I too would find that very triggering. Just try to remember that she is not losing weight just to spite you – after all, she loves you and wants what’s best for you.

I think one of the worst things about eating disorders is all the social anxiety that comes with them…I am getting a lot better at handling social situations thankfully – but for a while there, I totally isolated myself.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you hun!

Comment by ohsoravenous— May 29, 2009 #

Reply
- Thanks, I know she isn’t trying to spite me but I just can’t help but be jealous of her weight loss, you know?
  I hate it when I see people around me diet because I am doing the opposite. Makes me feel a bit self conscious. >.<
  
  Comment by Karina Pinzon— May 29, 2009 #
  
  Reply
Hayden C. is so gorgeous! Thanks for the eye candy this morning

Comment by Yasmin— May 29, 2009 #

Reply
- Your welcome! I think it is important for every girl to start their morning off with some nice scenery
  
  Comment by Karina Pinzon— May 29, 2009 #
  
  Reply
We have that in common too, ED keeps comparing my body to my mom’s. I hate it!

How did you make yourself comfortable in co-operating with your psychologist? I talk back or ignore male psychologists. I guess I’m just weird?

P.S. yes! we should really start a Larabar fanclub.

Comment by Nancy— May 29, 2009 #

Reply
Hey girl!! First of all, i’m so sorry about the rough day….and the concern with your mom losing weight, which is causing you anxiety. I also find myself comparing my body to my mom’s (or what my body will be), since she has alwas been really slim and active as well. BUT, the thing is….she eats A LOT! But when she does have a smaller meal I just compare, compare, compare…and it’s bad! I’m not letting myself do it anymore, since everyone is different and my mom and I are in totally opposite situations! She’s healthy, so she can over-eat at one meal or under-eat at another…no big deal. I’m not…so I need to always eat a larger amount! Just remember that you CANNOT compare yourself to others!

But ahh, I loveee that bumblebee bar (and hayden christensen)! The wraps look delicious too!

ps- yes! Daisy of love is all about the Daisy from Rock of Love and finding her match! hahaha….it’s hilarious. You HAVE to watch it, I think it’s only a few episodes in!

Comment by Jessica (jesslikesithot)— May 29, 2009 #

Reply
Hey lovey, I loved that quote at the beginning of your post. It really rings true and it’s easily related to recovery and the fact that recovery means getting healthy more than physically.
It’s totally understandable that your mum’s eating habits are triggering you. When a thin friend isn’t that hungry and chooses to have a little bit of their meal or not eat anything, ED just gets all up in my business. But know that what YOU are doing for YOUR body is an amazing thing, you’re nourishing it again and giving it what it needs. =) Everyone has different needs for their bodies and etc, and yours just so happens to be that you need a little more than others.
I’m so happy to hear that you went to the banquet! Actually choosing to go to something like that is a big step and you seemed to handle it beautifully. =)
Your dinner looks FABULOUS! I currently have an obsession with chicken and sweet potato fries look like they’d be the perfect thing to accompany it!
Bumps along the road are going to happen, and this wouldn’t be recovery from them..you learn from them, you realise why they happened and you simply move on..you’ve got it girl. =)
Hayden Christensen makes me want to rip my clothes off. =| I mean..what?!
OOOH, loved your four things =) The word obsessed is great xD
Adding you to my blogroll btw. =)
Have a great weekend!
xoxo

Comment by Tina— May 29, 2009 #

Reply
Okk, so i just have to say: your hair is GORGEOUS! how do you get it like that?

Comment by Coocoobananas— May 30, 2009 #

Reply
- Thank you so much! Its mostly natural since I have really wavy hair, but I curl it with my straightener. I’ve been thinking of making a video of how to do that since so many people ask me the same questions so I’ll post it on here for you!
  
  Comment by Karina Pinzon— June 1, 2009 #
  
  Reply
  - ahhh thank you!
    haha by the way, i’m Francesca’s friend.
    she suggested yourr blog to me!
    so now i’m completely obsessed, i’ve showed it to a couple of my friends actually!
    
    Comment by Coocoobananas— June 1, 2009 #
This site is well published i’m a guy but, its stil quite nice seeing this i came for pics of healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my health class but i started reading and it’s actually really good except for that guy…XD Just so you know your website is being sourced in some random school in korea in one day for a project..XD

Comment by Anonymys— November 4, 2009 #

Reply

	Luan on Penchant de Fromage
	Flak on Come As You Are.
	Aparna on Nanai Cucas
	Diego on Hot Cakes
	Nastya on The Whole Enchilada

Like Some Cat from Japan