Heaven? or Hell?
October 15, 2009 at 11:16 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 26 CommentsTags: advice, anorexia ED, ciabatta garden, heaven, hell, jason's deli, jess likes it hot, path to recovery
“REMEMBER, DON’T LOOK IN THE MIRROR! Seriously, just stay away from lifting your shirt to check out your tummy every now and then, or checking yourself out after a shower. Unless you are gonna be PROUD of what you see, don’t do it. Your mind doesn’t know what it’s seeing right now, so don’t let it trick you!!!”
This advice is what’s gotten me through the past 2 days. Thank you, Jess. Thank you, thank you!
When I do not give myself the opportunity to scrutinize that false reflection I see in the mirror, my ED has one less way to grasp me.
It can no longer use the: “look at how healthy you look, why would you be trying to gain weight, freako?” card on me because it just does not have that reminder.
Since I began to carry out this advice, ED lingers in my mind a little less. Since ED lingers in my mind a little less, I felt compelled and confident enough to increase my calories at lunch time yesterday (since I have such a trouble getting in my mid-morn snack):
2% milk. PB&Lingonberry sammy on Indian Naan (because I wanted it!). Quorn chik’n tenders and green beans.
I felt compelled and confident enough to try an old childhood favorite at breakfast:
The stars: BUTTER SANDWICH: 1 slice of bread spread with a very thick layer of Smart Balance (2 of these used to be my favorite breakfast or snack as a kid!) and a sunny side up egg. Co-star: 1/2 c. plain yogurt and soy nuts over fresh pineapple.
I even felt compelled and confident enough to try something new:
The Ciabatta Garden at Jason’s Deli. I hugged my carbs!
See? Sometimes little tricks like this are what makes all the difference.
Sure it’s arduous to resist that urge I feel to count the ripples I’ve gained or lost on my tummy or stare at the width of my thighs. But like I said in yesterday’s post: ED recovery is full of challenges and uncomfortable situations.
My grandmother always used to tell me as a child that two paths existed in the afterlife: the path to heaven and the path to hell. The path to hell was bejeweled with flowers and people frolicking through paddocks whilst they laughed and smoked. The path to heaven was scattered with barbwire and thorns that’d prick one’s feet.
credit to: deviantart.com
We could easily give up and take ED’s hand; follow him right down the bright, blossomed road to hell just because it’d be far less demanding on him. Far more “comfortable.”
But where does this simple path ultimately lead? Hell.
It is much more worth it to prick one’s feet and wipe the blood off our bruises when the reward in the end is heaven, happiness, and freedom. Not some fiery pit of torment and death.
Fight guys, fight. The compensation, the gift you’ll receive once it’s over will make your hard work worth while. Never ever feel like you are wasting time because in reality, you are gaining it. You are gaining many many years of life you wouldn’t have by keeping ED at bay.
Please. Stay alive for your pets, your friends, your family, and most importantly... yourself.
<3
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My dear, I just want to squeeze you to death. I just want to fly over there and congratulate you, scream with joy. The things you’ve realized, the things you’ve mulled over….these are such precious nuggets of wisdom, that already proves that you are so much of a better person, so strong and wise! You’ll beat the crap out of ED for sure!!
Comment by burpexcuzme— October 15, 2009 #
thank you for that first little quote, I’ll put it into action this week as part of my challenge, because I’m addicted to the mirror, so sad, but true
xx
Comment by Katie— October 16, 2009 #
hey beautiful girl
love that quote at the beginning, i need to remember that too, i hate that i stand there in front of my mirror for soo long, and at the mall, i could probably stand in front of a mirror for like 5 minutes or more, and it is so annoying i go crazy, i get so distorted and need to check things, i hate that part of my ED….but i wrote your quote down, and i am going to read it when i am feeling anxious about this weight gain process…and my body changing, which i know is a good thing.
love you so much and buttered bread sandwich was also my favorite as a kid
i dont think there is anything better than bread with butter 
i am so proud of you for eating what Karina loves!, not ED! such an inspiring, i am going to have that too soon, i just need some smart balance first haha.
xx
Eliza
Comment by eliza— October 16, 2009 #
hello my lovely.
thank you for all you wise reminders, just woke up hehe, and to read all the words, makes me feel so much better, motivated, and just inspired! this path of an ed DOES lead to hell, i swear this whole summer those weeks i spent entrenched in my anorexia. it was a nightmare, the kind of nightmare that you dont want to talk or think about and that is so painfully scary. that is why i am fighting this damn hard fight now, we all must! we dont deserve to love a hell like existence!!
the advice about the mirror and b-image. is so great. i am gonna use it too!
love naan bread! must get it again. i had it in the spring bc i wanted it, and i remeber being asked “was that a huge challenge?!” and i thought, yes, but no, it was just another peice of food, calories and it was good! deserve to eat what eve we want.
love you. and i wish i could come to texas and give you a hug!
xo
maya
Comment by maya— October 16, 2009 #
love it!!!!
that quote is amazing! thank you jess!
i cant even say with words how proud i am of you. you are so beautiful and strong. please keep following this road. i have a feeling it will end somewhere in germany??
loads of love
xoxo
Comment by Neela Marijana— October 16, 2009 #
That quote is so perfect. I am going to keep remembering that when I get ED urges to check/scrutinise my appearance. Because you’re right, we DONT see our body as it really is, so we mustn’t give ED an opportunity to feed us lies.
I am right next to you on this beautiful road to freedom, Karina! I don’t know where it will lead, but I can’t wait to find out
Keep fighting my love
xox Hannah
Comment by determinedtoshine— October 16, 2009 #
Well done! You are such a fighter and I love that you’re choosing heaven! I’m walking on that path with you too and pretty soon, we’ll be able to frolick in that paradise of health and genuine joy!
xx
Comment by nattietan— October 16, 2009 #
Oh my god, I do that all the time still. Lifting my shirt or constantly touching my stomach to see how “bloated or fat” I look after eating or at any point of the day. Nasty habit I still need to get rid of. Love this post.
Comment by Yasmin— October 16, 2009 #
Yay on challenging yourself!
We can beat this!
That quote is so true to, and hits me hard. Just minutes ago infact I woke up and fought with myself to look in the mirror, because I wanted to see what ED wanted me to see. Stay strong
Michal ♥
Comment by Michal— October 16, 2009 #
That’s such a twist in your grandma’s story. I honestly thought, “Of course the path to heaven is flowery…” but NOPE.
I used to love lightly toasted bread with butter & sprinkled brown sugar because that’s what my great-grandma made for my dad, so it was “extra special.” I should make a conscious effort soon to try it again! Thanks for showing how strong you are
Comment by Mitri— October 16, 2009 #
I love that quote… I actually hate mirrors, and always have, so I can’t figure out why I have this compulsion, but I simply must get rid of it.
Awesome job on meeting all of those challenges! Loves it.
<3 <3
Comment by blueeyedheart— October 16, 2009 #
You’re right – and I think many of us have been to hell, and back, probably several times. My favourite quote by Winston Churchill is, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
We have to keep going until we get out.
I love this post, Karina!
xx
Heather
Comment by Heather— October 16, 2009 #
That is definitely good advice. I struggle with doing that too! I hate that habit and want to break it.
Beautiful food as always, and those strawberries look so plump and delicious haha
Hope you have a reaaally great weekend!
Comment by Tina— October 16, 2009 #
Way to go girl! I’m proud! That ciabatta looks delicous…if I were you, I would have another one really soon, mmm!
Keep strong, keep fighting and I’m there for support: always!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Comment by julia— October 16, 2009 #
This whole post was just so true, it really says it all. Ive come to the point I just dont look in the mirror much it just gives my ed to much room to come back in.
That last part is definitely a bit I will remember.
Ohh I see some soy nuts, I am totally addicted to those, they are delicious!
Comment by laurasworthlesswords— October 16, 2009 #
This post is so empowering miss Karina!! I love that advice from your grandmother. I’ve never heard that, and find it so true and meaningful. Thanks for sharing it with us love
Sooo happy that my silly, little advice has gotten you through the past two days! Keep it up! Remember, don’t start checking yourself out until you KNOW that you’re going to be proud of what you see. And don’t compare future Karina to past Karina. You may be tricked over the next few weeks or months and think that old Karina was all around better, but that is just a trick. You are going to be so beautiful with a body that is fit for a girl your age. Not a 10 year old. You’ll have an adorable body that can carry you through dance and take you to a restaurant, let you feast on whatever your heart desires and stop (or not) when you’re full. When we get THERE…we’ll be able to take care of ourselves, and live!! Just like you said- when we crave buttered toast…we’re having it!!
Love you girl. That breakfast and lunch both sound so comforting!! I looooove me some fake chicken, hahah! And yum. Aren’t restaurant sandwiches the best?? The best.
Comment by Jessica (jesslikesithot)— October 16, 2009 #
i cant wait to read more of your blog! youre gorgeous and you are overcoming sooo much! carbs still scare me ha but recovery does take timee
Comment by taylor— October 16, 2009 #
wrong url in the last one! lol just in case
Comment by taylor— October 16, 2009 #
Yayyayyy! I love it
Comment by Chocolate-Covered Katie— October 17, 2009 #
Buttered toast is awesome!
Stay strong and that is so awesome that you are listening to what YOU want. Afterall, it’s YOUR life, not stupid ED’s. Take care my love!
XO
http://www.ohonemorething.wordpress.com
Comment by Katharina— October 18, 2009 #
Great heaven and hell analogy. Smart grandma! Have a good start to your week, Karina <3
Comment by Amy— October 18, 2009 #
You’re so brave.
Thanks so much for the comment
x
Comment by Niamh— October 19, 2009 #
Girl, you are awesome–you are doing soooo well! I am so proud of you. Way to kick ED’S butt! (While eating yummy foods too!)
<3 jess
xoxo
Comment by psychoj1— October 19, 2009 #
i LOVE that story about the paths to heaven and hell, thanks for sharing
Comment by dorothy— October 22, 2009 #
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