Ballet, Art, Sweets, Potato Chips, Freedom, Friendships, Hugs, Writing, Music, and Pretty Tea Cups
January 17, 2010 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 40 CommentsTags: 2400, 2800, 3000, alvarado street bakery, anorexia, blue diamond almonds, cadbury, calories, cinnamon brown sugar, clif bar, dark chocolate dreams, harriet braiker, health, hungry girl, lean body mass, nesquik, oikos, pb & co, perfection, recovery, spiru-tein, support, tofurky, vegetarian diet, weight gain
Her surroundings were a murky blue as the only light that crept into the room were the morning sun rays trapped behind the curtain. Karina did not want to let the light in this morning… She was tired.
The girl slipped her eye mask further down and plunged her face into the leopard print pillow just before she threw the covers off.
It was 8:44, far earlier than she’d hoped to wake up on her “free day” but her logic told her that lying there like a corpse in denial would be no better than not sleeping in and getting started with her day.
Karina bounced to her feet and stretched her sore calves and hamstrings. Yesterday’s ballet class was t-o-u-g-h. Not only was the majority of the class done on demi-pointe, but the girl was already weakened by her lost lean body mass and that wad of phlegm she had stuck in her throat the entire time. Repulsive.
She wobbled down the stairs to prepare herself a bowl of comfort in her quiet kitchen, but first she thought she should lend her mother a helping hand. Helping others was one of the girl’s pleasures in life.
Karina cooked a packet of oatmeal in 1/2 c. skim milk, 2 tbsp. of Nesquik powder, and a bit of coconut extract. She then added a medley of fresh fruit, shredded coconut, Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds, and PB & Co’s Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter with a Cadbury Royal Dark chocolate square.
It was then Karina’s turn to prepare herself something equally delectable. Would she recreate her breakfast from the previous morning?
1 packet of instant oats cooked in 1/2 c. hemp milk, stevia extract, vanilla extract, a few drops of rose water, and an egg white topped with: 1/2 an Oatmeal Raisin Walnut Clif Bar, Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds, and a big spoonful of homemade cinnamon brown sugar almond butter?
No. Although the combination was divine and all, she was not the type of lady to eat the same breakfast two days in a row. With so many options and possible fusions of flavor, why would she resort to such monotony?
Since there was a plethora of pumpkin left over from the brownie cupcakes she had baked just the night before, she decided to make a jazzed up bowl of pumpkin pie oats:
The girl cooked a packet of instant oatmeal in Spiru-tein Cookies & Cream protein powder, 1/2 c. vanilla soy milk, approx. 1/2 c. or more of pumpkin (Karina doesn’t measure anymore), vanilla extract, maple syrup, a packet of stevia, and an egg white. She then mixed it with cinnamon/nutmeg/pumpkin pie spice and dress it up with Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds (yes, she is addicted), chopped medjool dates, walnuts, and a spoonful of almond butter.
There was not much time after breakfast for Karina to procrastinate. She had yet to unpack from her New York vacation which had come to an end over a week ago, and frankly, her mother was tired of watching her daughter live out of a suitcase. As soon as the girl finished the arduous task of unfolding and hanging up all her clothes, she took a look at the time and gasped. Only an hour until her appointment and she had not even prepped her lunch!
All dressed up in her finest birthday suit, Karina Pinzon scampered into the game room for a quick sip of her mother’s water.
“I’m about to shower and don’t have time to get my own from the kitchen!” Karina explained, catching her breath. She was already late enough for her doctor’s appointment.
Her mother responded with a tender smile, yet her eyes bore profound heartache.
“You have a beautiful shape but you really need those extra pounds, Cookie!” She tried to disguise her pain with faux effervescence. You know, for her daughter’s sake.
Karina exhaled and her lips drew out into a grin.
“That is why I’m going to have cookies with my lunch!” She giggled and bounced out of the game room. She could hear her mother’s genuine and jovial laugh of relief as she disappeared from sight.
Inside the shower, Karina took advantage of the comfortable solitude around her and reflected back on her struggles. Her journey through recovery had been a bumpy one. Bumpy like an old dirt road or a teenager’s complexion. 
She had gone through a diet “junk food” phase where she would follow Hungry Girl recipes and swaps to a T, an artificial sweetener phase where pure sugar was the Prince of Darkness, a baby food phase where her snacks and meals would include Gerber purees and toddler meals, a tuna/apples/coffee crash diet that hardly lasted, a “negative calorie diet” phase when she bought into the bullshit of negative calorie fruits and vegetables, an “orthrorexic” phase, an 8 mile a day run phase, an 8 hour a day couch potato phase, an Ensure/Boost dependency period, a 2400 calorie a day period, a 2800 calorie a day period, an intuitive eating period that gravely failed, then another 2400 calorie a day period due to her massive fail, then a 2600 calorie + 2 protein drinks= 3000 calories a day period, then all the way back to the intuitive eating period she was in right now. Minus the fail. She would not let that happen again.
And despite her sizable weight loss in New York, she felt that she was in a better place at the moment. The fact that she had lost weight while not vastly restricting nor exercising proved to her that she could not underestimate the amount of nourishment her body required to stay healthy, and that her body still required plenty of food when she was sedentary.
And by some magical means along the way, her fear of sweets and desserts lessened and she could now bite into a cookie or brownie without hyperventilating about it showing up on her stomach a minute later <— a phenomena that occurs far too often in the world of Eating Disorders. No brownie has the power to appear on a person’s thighs or abdominals in a matter of seconds, and in the majority of cases it will never show up (the minority being those who eat a whole pan of brownies every single night. That there is another problem.)
Karina stepped out of the shower, dabbed on her leave-in-conditioners and bustled back down to the kitchen to prepare her lunch.
She assembled a sandwich. A sandwich whose anatomy was composed of Tofurky Italian Deli slices, 2 slices of Alvarado St. Bakery California Style Complete Protein bread, and mustard. On the side she mashed up 1/2 an avocado for dipping and nice spinach & tomato salad for munching. Her dessert awaited her in the freezer. 
An icy cold container of Oikos sweetened with stevia extract and vanilla extract with a moist and chewy chocolate chip cookie frozen into it. Karina was already pretty full but she just could not resist! It looked too delicious to pass up.
And that is when she realized that she could not control everything and live a joyous life. By attempting the impossible duty of making every part of her life perfect and having everything go her way or the highway, she was not leaving any time in her schedule to just enjoy the beautiful people and things around her. Sometimes the only way to gain control is to lose a little control. Whether it is monitoring every calorie consumed, making sure that a stack of papers is flawlessly aligned, stalking a significant other over a trivially suspicious text, crying over a C in biology, or running on a treadmill for three hours to work off an indulgent meal… that is not living life. That is ruining it.
“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.” -Harriet Braiker
Why? Because perfection does not exist. When a person aims for perfection, they are aiming for failure. They are aiming for obsession. They are aiming for depression. They are aiming for a broken spirit.
“For everything there is an opposite…. For hot there is cold, for life there is death. In balance there is perfection. Humans need to become balanced in order to bring this world to perfection.
Humans tend to reach for extremes and this is why there is chaos, disorder, and abuse done to people and the earth in general.
We always tend to seek more than is necessary, always looking for more pleasure and avoiding pain as much as possible.”
-You Are Enlightened
She took a vow to let life run its course. To learn to just listen to what her body, mind, and soul asked of her and in her case, not eat or exercise by a set of silly rules created by ED that just aim for the impossible: perfection. She had a new weapon now: Knowledge. Knowledge that she would never be perfect.
But she could be and do her best.
Be and do whatever made her happy.
Whatever made her happy.
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way to go karina! intuitive eating is the hardest part of recovery, and listening to your body is the healthiest way to be
♥ lindsey
Comment by lindsey— January 17, 2010 #
Karina, i loved this post, you are so strong, and so talented at writing, its so amzing, and so aware of urself, and ur ed..all the pahases u mentioned, ahh me too!!! so many of those i can relate too.so weird to look back and notice the food phases and eating habits we had.
and to read your words, they just speak so much to me and so inspiring. a new weapon of Knowledge, yes!!! that is so true, and with Knowledge and knowing that we will never be perfect, or perfect enough for ed.
“always tend to seek more than is necessary, always looking for more pleasure and avoiding pain as much as possible.”
ahh this was so great to read! Love you!! and love all the eats and the oats (especially the chocolate one, omg YUM)
and all the cool photos with the dolls, creepstery but love IT ;-P
xxooxox
LOVE YOU
maya
p.s eliza is texting u at the moment hehe, double Karina action going on here
lol
Comment by maya— January 17, 2010 #
Karina my love
tell your darling mommy i say hi! 
Just texted you hehe so funny! ahh loved this post! i love how you are So aware of your ED and you know what you have to do, you are so strong lovie, and when you named all the ED food phases you have gone through i could relate SO much, jeez i have gone through odd ED food phases! anyways ;P… i know you can make this intuitive eating work, you are doing so so well so far! and i know how it is to go away for a week and not restrict at all and not over exercise and loose weight, happened to me in the end of june but i didnt handle that well, and lots happened from then on, but you lovie will make it, and gain those much needed lbs back!
as i said you are so strong and such a fighter!
love the story about your mom and the cookie
love you babe So much!
xx
Eliza
ps: your oats look ridic good, love the cinnamon almonds (must get those)
Comment by Eliza— January 17, 2010 #
Yay I love reading about how much progress you’ve made and how happy you seem to be!
Your breakfasts always look freaking amazing.. if only I had the same breakfast-making skills as you!
Love you!
Comment by Megan— January 17, 2010 #
your posts are so adorable :] all your eats look amazing! and yay for intuitive eatingggg :]
love
becca
Comment by Becca— January 17, 2010 #
Hi, Karina! I remember reading your blog a while back (like months ago when I had a blog – I shut it down to help my recovery and now I’ve got a new one) and I just found it again. Anyways, I love your writing! You really have a gift, and you put so much voice into your posts. Not to mention all the delicioussss food – so much inspiration.
Good luck with your intuitive eating. I know how hard it can be, and I know it took me a while to fully commit to it. So scary at first but so worth it in the end. I just remind myself that I could never be as happy as I am if I still measured, counted calories, etc.
I remember thinking you live in Houston…or no? Maybe I’m thinking of someone else, but I live in Northwest Houston!
- Nell
Comment by weenutbutterandrunning— January 17, 2010 #
hey karina! your food seriously sends me into a food coma! freezing oikos is the best. and adding a cookie? genius! your moms oatmeal looked absolutely phenomenal
i could relate to this post so much. you are such a fabulous writer! i remember all the strange phases from my ed as well- gosh, dont you hate that ugly, nasty, guy? hes totally uncool. you have come such a long way and you are doing an amazing thing here with your intuative eating, your thoughts, and your awesome attitude! i believe in you & i think your doing so well girlie! have a beaaautiful sunday xoxo soph 
Comment by oatsandchocolate— January 17, 2010 #
Man, I missed reading your post. You really have a knack for writing; sometimes, I have the urge to skim posts, but I never get that feeling with yours!
Beautiful pictures, too, especially that first oatmeal one… oh, the decadence. 
I’m currently in an all-day-couch-potato phase (s-c-h-o-o-l), but I would like to get out of it… *sigh*
Upgrade this bout of intuitive eating from phase to… err, a lifelong practice!
Have a wonderful evening!
Comment by candice— January 17, 2010 #
Ahhh. A bowl of comfort. I like the sound of that. And cookie in yogurt. I likes the looks of that!!
Comment by Yum Yucky— January 17, 2010 #
Hey sweetheart!
you should be a writer. its not easy eating intuitively, you are not alone! but dont be discouraged! you are on the right track. keep up that motivation love, you are beautiful!
Comment by kbwood— January 17, 2010 #
This post is so beautiful!! Listening to your body is a hard step, but it’s SO liberating!! You go babe!!
Love your eats. Your oatmeal always looks SO good! Yum, yum, and YUM!
<3 jess
xoxo
Comment by Jess— January 17, 2010 #
love you <3 you are incredibly strong girly
Comment by devan— January 17, 2010 #
You have such a wonderful way with words and looking at things. You are right about people killing themselves by striving for perfection. Why do people strive to be perfect? Can’t they just be happy with what’s around them? They can work towards where they want to be, but it’s important to respect oneself. I love to make breakfast for my mom too–that’s one thing I already miss from Florida. Anyway, stay strong girlie
You’re really special Karina.
XOXO
p.s. you can raid my closet anytime!!!
http://www.ohonemorething.wordpress.com
Comment by Katharina— January 17, 2010 #
i can to relate to all the stages of ED and before ed and then to now, but i had never thought of it untill this post, you make me think, in good positive ways.
Comment by Jessica— January 17, 2010 #
hey girl, thank you for this wonderful post, really, thank you.
I feel so inspired right now
Comment by Marina— January 18, 2010 #
I love your blog and your post is really heart felt I know what its like to have all those feelings, as I also suffered from ed, and am now in recovery. The way you wrote it, was really cool and creative:)
Thanks for the awesome post and Keep Strong, and hope your Recovery is going well:)
-Emmy
Comment by Emmy— January 18, 2010 #
love this post. how come you can write so beautifully but i end up sounding like a crass individual. i have no idea. but seriously, i needed this post today. like badly.
Comment by traynharder23— January 18, 2010 #
You are such a great writer, I love reading your posts. You are such a fighter, truly inspiring girl- this is it, no more diet phases or rules for you, just learning to trust, appreciate and nourish that beautiful girl that you are. I’m going to take a leaf out of your book.
Wow, what decadent looking brekkies, my Mum is really boring with brekkie (millet flakes, soy milk and fruit compote every day), variety is the spice of life!
Loveeeeee xoxo
Comment by lunchiemunchies— January 18, 2010 #
I am so glad I found your blog
You are amazing.
Keep strong.
Love,
Lexi
Comment by lexi— January 18, 2010 #
Beautiful post. I think it’s so difficult to eat intuitive while gaining…but I also know you’re gonna reach that perfectly healthy weight, because you’re so strong and you deserve it!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Comment by julia— January 18, 2010 #
hmm your breakfast make me so hungry!!
karina i love your writing so much and i love love love the spirit that keeps rocking through your blog! you are such a wonderful girl!
xoxo
Comment by crazylittlethingneela— January 18, 2010 #
Hey!
I am soory for my lack of comments lately.I have not been on my computer lately.I love the change!Your blog look amazing.I am so proud of you, you seems to have a better outlook on things.Keep listing to your body and mind.
Take care darling!
Namaste
Comment by Robot— January 18, 2010 #
Oh lovely lovely lovely! First off those breakfast bowls look so random but make me curious as to what each bite tastes like. Hidden almond treasures? Exciting! Second, your writing takes my breath away! You sum up so many emotions in such elegant and profound words. Keep doing what you want and live in the now!!
xoxo
Maggie
Comment by maggie— January 18, 2010 #
Hey beautiful lady!! Okay, this post sent chills up and down my spine! Hearing all your ups and downs made me sad, at first…but then I realized of how far you’ve come and of how far you’re going to go (as cheesy as that may sound)–i’m so proud of you and have total confidence that you can do it for the long run, this time around!
Your mom is lucky to have you cook delicious breakfasts’ for her, and that sandwich lunch with the avo for dippage…and “fro yo” w/ a cookie for dessert?! Sounds genius, i love it
XOXOXO
Comment by Jessica— January 18, 2010 #
Hey there! Thank you for your awesome comment on my last post- it really made my day : )
I am so impressed by your mental strenght and maturity AND your beautiful writing! Not to mention your delicious looking breakfasts!
Have a great day!
Comment by Melissa— January 18, 2010 #
Hi!
Okay, first: You have one of the most appealing oatmeal bowl out here…There’s like a bunch of toppings that makes them so unique and tasty looking!
Second: You’re sooooo ‘refreshing’. Yup, that’s how everyone feel when they read a post like that.
Third: You’re so in my ‘Blogcature to do’ list ;p
xo
Comment by Vanilla— January 18, 2010 #
write a book. NOW.
Comment by Lyss— January 18, 2010 #
“Sometimes the only way to gain control is to lose a little control”. WOW girl. This post really inspired me. You are such a talented and insightful writer, I am privileged to read your blog.
Your insight is powerful and I know that if you stick true to your intuitions, you will one day live a worry free happy and healthy life.
Hope youre doing well darling <3
Comment by rebecca lustig— January 19, 2010 #
You know, Karina? I just feel so UPLIFTED reading this post:D You rock my socks <3
Comment by Rachel— January 20, 2010 #
you write really well.
i could literally feel your joy at the scene with your mummy at breakfast!
Comment by jiaying— January 21, 2010 #
“Sometimes the only way to gain control is to lose a little control.”
You change my life one post at a time.
Comment by Laura— January 21, 2010 #
Karina! Everytime you write a new post I get so excited to read! You are a great writer and you always make my day with your yummy eats and humor!
Those blue diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds sound delicious! Never heard of them before!!
Jenna
Comment by Jenna— January 23, 2010 #
Thank you for your inspiration.
Comment by Charles— January 24, 2010 #
Hi Karina!
I’ve just come across your blog… <3!
You're an awesome chica! Love the video montages, great photography, ingenius writing, yummy eats… The fact that you're a ballet dancer! (My parent were both professional ballet dancers. Unfortunately, I haven't inherited any of their gracefulness…)
This post is soo inspiring! Good luck with intuitive eating! (You're strong, I know you can do it!)
Xoxo, Reigne
http://www.babyhealthnut.wordpress.com
Comment by Reigne— January 24, 2010 #
Love it! You are such an inspiration
Comment by Michal— January 24, 2010 #
This is such a beautiful beautiful post. I know so many people have said this but I’m going to have to repeat it one more time – You are such an inspiration. Your honesty, your reflections, your positivity… Recovery is no easy road but your ability to keep pressing on is so admirable! Keep it up hun! You’re amazing! xx
Comment by nattietan— February 6, 2010 #
As usual, you are full of wisdom and uniqueness, my friend. I wish you all the best, and hope you really enjoy naturally healthy eating! Best of luck!
Comment by sophia— February 15, 2010 #
I just discovered your blog a week ago and have read every post… you are inspiring and amazing!
please update soon!
Comment by janet— February 22, 2010 #
Karina! It’s Tina from a Day in the life of a Hot Sauce Addict. I got a new blog. =) I missed you so much! I hope you come back to blogging soon.
I’m so proud of you hun, you’re doing so well – I’m so glad you’ve chosen to sort of give up control with your eating – to just LIVE, rather than live by some stupid rule influenced by anorexia.
Your food makes me basically orgasm all over the screen as usual (TMI? But that’s me >=]), and your writing never ceases to put a massive smile on my face. Girl, you’re going places.
Love you!
Comment by hotsauceismypoison— March 4, 2010 #
Hi Karine! I just found your blog! you’re beautiful & strong. Your story is very inspiring. And your breakfast looks delish!!!
Comment by lucieishealthy— March 28, 2010 #