Not “The Girl-Next-Door”
December 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 CommentsTags: anorexia, applegate farms, awkward, blog, burger bun, calories, chicken burger, colombiana soda, confidence, flaws, heinz, high fat, ideal girl, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, perfect, pretty, recovery, reviews, self esteem, self hate, skinny, sweet relish, udi's gluten free, victorias secret, weight gain
I’m a really strange person.
In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the kind of strange that cannot be kept a secret. Everyone must know about it- and if they don’t know about it, they must at least be suspicious of it.
There are days, seemingly chosen at random, where I embrace it and feel (dare I say it?) proud of my “weirdness” but then there are other days where I entirely abhor it and pray that I’ll wake up the next morning as the textbook example of “a perfect female”….. whatever that may be.
The reason this topic is etched in my mind is because lately, I have taken a burning interest in boys again; and with this interest comes raging hormones and with those raging hormones comes the self-conscious awkwardness experienced by preteens. Yes, I find myself back in the age of gawky self-doubt where one questions whether anyone of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you.
I look in the mirror and feel that my nose is too crooked, my ears to stuck out, my hair far too flat and my skin way too splotched.
I reflect on my persona and feel that my hobbies are too unrelatable, my interests too obscure and my humor beyond what is proper for a lady.
In my mind, all I hear is “too much this” or “too much that.”
What exactly am I measuring myself to?
When I truly analyze it, I think I am comparing myself to the “ideal girl” society has created for us. My interpretation of who I’ve been told the “ideal girl” is goes as follows:
IDEAL GIRL
Name: Ideal Girl
Height: Taller than most girls, shorter than most guys
Weight: Thinnest girl in the room
Looks: A down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model
Personality: Prim and proper, smily all the time, feminine, soft and giggly, tells funny yet appropriate jokes, gets along with everybody, charming , yada yada yada
Ugh! I can’t be that girl!
My name is not anywhere close to “Ideal Girl,” my name happens to be Karina Pinzon. I’m shorter than a lot of girls and sometimes even taller than a few guys because guess what? PEOPLE COME IN ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE SIZES. And my weight? Ever since I’ve gotten closer to being recovered from my eating disorder, I’m no longer always the thinnest girl in the room. There are now several girls thinner than me and that is OK. I am healthy and best of all, no longer at risk of dying of heart failure at the age of 18. Concerns like THAT are strange and sad.
Continuing to compare myself to Ms. “Ideal Girl,” I also sure as flipping-ass hell do not look like a “down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model.” I have never ever been the girl next door. In fact, I’m more like the girl who lives in the abandoned house down the street with rotting oak trees and flourescent unicorn ornaments on her lawn.
I’m also far from giggly and appropriate. When I laugh, I cackle and when I tell a joke, you better believe it’s a dirty one. I’m not an “ideal girl” and you know what? Even though I want to crawl under a rock because of the things I say and do in public sometimes, I like being unique and I like being weird. I like being me.
I take a look at the other girls around me, who go through boys like they do underwear during that time of the month, and I wonder “HOW do you find ‘boy toys’ so easily!? How do you find boys that you not only like but that also LIKE YOU BACK?”
Maybe I will never know. All I know is that I am never going to find a mutual love interest unless the love I have with myself is mutual.
My body may love me now because I am giving it what it needs to be healthy and strong, but… I have to love it back.
I have to appreciate, thank it, adore it for allowing me to DO the things that make me the “strange” and “unique” person I am. Without my body in tip-top health, I wouldn’t be able act upon my “weirdo” tendencies. I would just be another drone, ebbing and falling through the turbulent waves of life- not really enjoying anything. I’ve been in that position before and I don’t want to be there again.
I want to live my life, being WEIRDAZFUCK, and like it.
If I meet a boy, great.
If I don’t, fabulous.
Either way, I’m going to be happy.
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A memorable meal….
A mozzarella, tomato, mayonnaise, spicy mustard and breaded chicken burger sandwich on Udi’s GF burger bun with Heinz sweet relish and sweet potato fries! This was perfect with a glass of Colombiana soda.
I should probably go study for the precalculus exam I am inevitably going to fail tomorrow. Take care, everyone!
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You, my girl, will definitely find a boy. You’re too amazing not too. Just let it happen at the right time, and relax. I’m so glad you’re getting happier with yourself..as you should be! And guess what, you will be someone’s version of Ms Ideal one day. It’s all just personal opinion, you know?
Comment by Brittany— December 15, 2011 #
You are amazing, you know. This post definitely made me reconsider my own life thus far and how much people around me (including myself) have been and are continuously bombarded by the “ideal girl/guy”. It’s society, it’s pressure, it’s our social environment and interactions with people around us that leads to such problems in society.
Anyways, you look amazing and so does that burger!
P.S. You really are an inspiration in recovery. I see you with light in your eyes, a sparkle in your smile and someone who is truly embracing life! xoxo
Comment by serendipitousmornings— December 15, 2011 #
Thank you so much, when anyone tells me I inspire them it causes such a warmth in my heart and makes me blush. Keep going strong <3
Comment by Karina Pinzon— December 16, 2011 #
Better a weird original than a boring copy. The best thing you can be is yourself and if a boy doesn’t like you the way you are, then he doesn’t deserve you. I am sure there are enough boys out there who would appreciate your unique personality. I’ve been single since… I don’t remember when but I haven’t lost hope that the right guy will come sooner or later and I won’t have to change for him.
Good luck with the exam!
Comment by Albizia— December 15, 2011 #
I so needed to read this post!! Amazingly put and I can put myself exactly in your situation. Ya know, just be myself and someday the right guy will come along!
Comment by Allegro.Entropy— December 15, 2011 #
I am SO glad you can relate. The best we can do is be ourselves! By projecting ourselves as someone we are not, we may meet someone quicker but it won’t be worth it. We must wait for someone who loves us for US, as cheesy as it sounds it is the truth.
Comment by Karina Pinzon— December 16, 2011 #
Girl, you are too gorgeous to not get a guy
. I haven’t even been to a school dance o-o…
It’s pretty funny cause I have a friend who’s gone through at least 10 guys since she was 11, and now she’s barely 17
And a unique, fun personality >>> than that ideal all-american girl type. Don’t most guys prefer a girl with a sense of humor anyways?
Oooh, and I am loving those sweet potato fries :]
Comment by caloricandcrazy— December 15, 2011 #
I forget that I am older than you, but perhaps my 21-year-old experiences can be of some comfort…
Perhaps it will reassure you that ALL of my life, my friends have told me I am “weird” and have loved my “weirdness.” I have had many boyfriends who say they like me because I am “just Ann”–not anyone else, never trying to be. I know more about video games and alternative music than makeup or anything related to “looking pretty.” My guy friends used to call me perverted because I make inappropriate jokes. I am actually known for NOT smiling and for saying “no” to every socially expected situation imaginable because, if I can avoid hanging out with people I don’t like, then I will. (And there are a lot of people I dislike.)
There is no point in being anyone other than who you are. You want someone to love you for you? Then just be you, keep an open mind, expect that eventually someone will break your heart or you will make a mistake in a relationship, and move on until you finally do meet “the love of your life.”
Just like there is no perfect body, no perfect personality, no perfect recovery–there is no perfect journey to a relationship. I thought I was in love for over 3 years in a relationship, and he left me. Best thing that ever happened to me. Because every mistake and decision I’ve made in relation to it, has brought me to the love of my life and the man I hope to marry.
All because I’m weird.
Comment by Ann-Mitri— December 15, 2011 #
I read your comment yesterday morning and it was so wonderful to get such caring words from you, so full of insight. I can see now that it is OKAY to be weird and be true to ourselves and that one day, someone is going to appreciate who I am just the way people appreciate who YOU (Ann) is. We should only be who we are. <3
Comment by Karina Pinzon— December 16, 2011 #
Oh my word. I am SOOOO glad you visited my blog so I could find yours! This post was probably one of the best I’ve ever read, it truly hit home for me. I think we must’ve been separated at birth haha
Looking forward to reading more from you girl!
(BTW you’re totally gonna hook an amazing guy, you’re the total package of brains and beauty!)
Comment by Alexandra— December 16, 2011 #
You go girl! But for real, you’re beautiful and look like an awesome fun person – I think the real work will be in finding a guy worthy enough
Comment by Megan@eatmybeets— December 16, 2011 #
I’ve never commented before – so hi Karina! I’ve actually always loved your blog for precisely what you might call weirdness, your sense of humour and your interests. Ironically, in my eyes everyone is closer to ‘ideal’ when they are happy with who they are than when they are trying to emulate the ideal person. So I’m glad you like being you, you should!
Hey, there’s no way that the opposite sex wouldn’t be interested in you! But you’ve got the right attitude. If you meet someone that’s good but if you don’t it’s no reflection on you. It doesn’t mean you need to change. Someone might not appear this week but there’s so much time and so many new people ahead of you as you go through life, you will find the people out there who have similar flourescent unicorns on their lawn.
I’ve also got to say you’re inspiring. It’s wonderful to see how far you’ve come since you first started blogging; your attitude these days is such a breath of fresh air. Keep it up, you’re amazing and have got so much to offer the world.
Comment by Joy— December 16, 2011 #
yes, work it! I’ve never been the “girl next door” either. Being unique is awesome! Sure, I’ve definitely gotten some shit for my strangeness in my 24 years, but I don’t let other people get me down and control how I feel.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, have seen you struggle and get back up again, and it’s so great to see you thriving.
Comment by Heather— December 18, 2011 #
What a great post this was. What I love about it that it was completely honest, humble, and frank. I hate to use profanity, but F**K this social construct of an “ideal girl” that has been CREATED by society. I pose emphasis on the word “created” because it just reminds us that there is not really such thing as an “ideal girl,” – its only a mindset. You, my beautiful lady, have solidified the realization that it’s okay to be different, regardless of “majority rules.”
Being unique and different is a GIFT and it makes you special; after all, why would you wish to stand in the midst of the society like every other girl – where is the feeling of “special” in that?
Embrace you unconventional behaviors and make them known to the world. You are you, and no one else ever can or will be you.
Stay beautiful.
Comment by Jay— December 18, 2011 #
I’d hit it, & your friend too!
Comment by gfhllfg@jhljhj.com— December 19, 2011 #
Excellent post! Weirdness is the key to uniqueness, and uniqueness is the key to your identity. And without an identity who are we really? So I say embrace the weirdness!
Comment by Sarah - feeedingbrainandbody— December 20, 2011 #