The New Year Approaches.

December 28, 2011 at 12:32 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: ambient, anorexia, cars, drums, dubstep, eating disorders, escape, glowing, inspiration, karina pinzon, lights, like some cat from japan, loss, new years, positive, recovery, resolution, thinspiration, thinspo, weight gain

The white lights of passing buildings.
The red glares of moving cars.
The lime blaze of glowing odometers.

Music blasting through my headphones, I stared out of the car’s window and thought about how badly I wanted to get home.

I wanted to get home, slip out of my blue jeans, and lie on my bed- lie on my bed and listen. Just listen to music.

I craved the electronic sounds of droning instruments, haunting synthesizers and beating drums. I craved the pillowy top of my turquoise comforter, the plush feel of my mattress, and warming security of my own bedroom- my own little world. I wanted to close my eyes and just disappear, if only for a bit.

The bedroom door- I wanted it closed. I wanted a brick wall secluding me from the world, a wall enveloping me in solidarity. I could taste the escape on the tip of my tongue just thinking about it.

I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to listen to the music and let the beats decide what direction my thought should travel in. Let the timbres choose where to turn.

Like a person unties the laces from their sneakers, I wanted to untie myself from any feeling. That’s all I wanted. Really.

Back in the car- 20 minutes from home, 20 minutes from that sacred escape within my bedroom- I looked over at my mother, her hands bolted to the steering wheel.

My mom never has the time to lie on her bed, pants off and speakers on, to just appreciate good music. She doesn’t have the time to build a barrier between herself and her responsibilities- my poor mother has no time for escape. In reality, most adults do not and as I near adulthood an inch closer ever year, this idea of losing time frightens me.

At that moment, as the neon green glow of the odometer struck me across the face, I suddenly felt afraid of myself- afraid of how quickly the numbers of age had piled on top of me. Four years passed by so quickly and I’d gone from a naive 14 year old girl to a knowing 18 year old female all in the span of what seemed like a slow evening. Four years in one evening. That’s what it felt like.

As my car crept along the freeway, the unavoidable prospect of becoming an adult seemed like a death sentence. I’d already wasted four years on an eating disorder- four years of my YOUTH on an eating disorder- and all I was going to do was get older. Older, and older, and older. I was just starting to get my life back for Christ’s sake!

I was finally normal, finally having fun again and time was a mammoth clock perched on my back. I wanted to be 14 again and just start over from scratch. Drifting through high school with depression and anxiety excluded me from so many experiences common to growing up- the dates, the parties, the firsts and the lasts- you know, the standard high school hooplah. As I sat in the passenger seat of the car, now 10 minutes from home, a knot of regret swelled in my stomach.

But was the remorse worth it?

I could no longer do anything about those four years “lost,” I couldn’t rewind and take them all back to the start like a video cassette. In fact, as much as I wanted to pity myself, those four years of misery made me who I am and I grew from them. Instead of regretting time I could not gain back, I should focus on the years ahead of me and make the most out of them.

Promising myself to never relapse or fritter away precious time is the best thing I can for myself to “make up” for those four years lost. By healing 100% and continuing on as happily as I am now, I may even GAIN 4+ years of life. Who knows?

I’m not really one for New Year’s Resolutions but if I must pick one, that would definitely be it: Never fall into the hands of Anorexia- or any wasteful addictions- ever again.

SOUNDS LIKE A MEANINGFUL RESOLUTION TO ME!!

Happy (early) New Year to all! Don’t waste any time. We are only given one life and what we are given is very short. Drifting through and not experiencing things as they come…. it’s not a good idea.

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Wow.

This is so meaningful and I definitely relate to it. I’ve been spending A LOT of time lately thinking about how badly I hurt myself during those too many years spent with anorexia. But I don’t consider it wasted… am I thrilled that I had absolutely no social life until really now? Absolutely not. Actually, sometimes it’s really hard for me to fit in with everyone. I’ve never let other people see me cry or genuinely smile until now, I’ve never trusted anyone with so many repressed memories and thoughts. And I’ve gotten rejected. I mean, I let go of 5 years of my life to isolation. Important years too. It isn’t too surprising that sometimes I’m outcasted. But those five years have made me into such a strong person. I’ve taken some pretty bad verbal hits… but those five years finally taught me maybe talking to someone instead of holding all the sadness, confusion and anger in isn’t the best way to deal…

To quote the last line of my favorite book, Wintergirls (which CAN be triggering, BTW, I just love how its written and the perception it offers)
“I am thawing.”

Comment by Allegro.Entropy— December 28, 2011 #

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- I’ve heard a lot about Wintergirls and feel as though that is what is happening to me right now.. “I am thawing.” Thawing out from the barrier of ice eating disorders create around you!
  
  I relate to everything you said. Continue to “thaw.” I hope you keep enjoying life more and more!
  
  Comment by Karina Pinzon— December 28, 2011 #
  
  Reply
Karina….. This made me cry <3 xx

Comment by jammieapple— December 28, 2011 #

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Such a beautiful and vivid post <3 here's to a new year full of staying recovered and regaining the lost years!

Comment by Alexandra— December 28, 2011 #

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It’s so true, those four years made you, YOU. They shaped your personality and allowed you to grow in ways that would not otherwise have been possible had you not worked through such difficulties. I’m so glad you are able to see things from this perspective too, live and learn girl!!! <3

Comment by Tara Savage— December 28, 2011 #

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I’ve been going on with this struggle for 4 years as well.Though I have learned a lot about myself and grown as a person throughout my recovery,enough is enough. You are so right. No more time to be wasted slaving away to anorexias demands.
There is so much more to life!

Comment by Laura— December 28, 2011 #

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I am very glad that you included the part that said that those four years made you who you are. I was going to say something similar. If you hadn’t gone through the past four years of your life as you had, would you even be thinking about life as this? Would you be making the most out of your life? Maybe, maybe not.

It is crazy, though, to me that if someone were to ask me what the past three years of my life were like, I don’t even think that I could answer them. They have been a huge blur to me full of anxiety, stressing over food, and nothing. I definitely hope that I can be in the same place that you are one day. I am slowly getting there.

I love you!

Comment by Jess— December 30, 2011 #

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Oh Yes! I’m pretty sure I’m repeating myself when I say that you are inspirational. But I love your resolution There IS so much more to life. For me, eight years is far too long to keep living a death for a life. I know that I will never get back those eight years, but there is no reason to keep going and look back one or two years from now and think, “nine and ten years?!” I can make the next years of my life meaningful so that I do look back and say, “Aha! There WAS a life after ed”. So yes. I am in total agreement with your resolution <3

Comment by serendipitousmornings— December 31, 2011 #

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I am with you Karina!! I often get caught in the cycle of mourning the loss of years to the eating disorder. You are right though, that we need to take what positives we can out of it, move on, and vow to never let it control us again!

You are awesome Karina <3

Comment by Scott— January 3, 2012 #

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Wow this is really good writing! Your command of the English language is…arresting for lack of a better word. You manage to conjure up images as I read and I find that very stimulating.

You’ve got yourself a new fan! Plus, I like how you now feature your school lunches because I’m frankly sick and tired of recovery blogs posting lunches that consist of ‘hummus, mustard and tomato on sprouted rye bread with a side of carrot sticks’. People on diets eat those -.-

p.s. you’re really pretty!

Comment by chocolatelynn— January 13, 2012 #

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late to the party but i just wanted to say, i’m an “adult” and i have carefully crafted my life to allow lots of these buffer zones. your life can be anything you want it to be, to be honest, and certainly the imaginary line between child and adult that looms so ominously when you’re nearing the end of the child portion of life is not as definite as it would seem. not to be cliche but you’re only as old as you feel (ugh i know but seriously) and if you make it a priority to make time for yourself and and encourage self discovery etc etc it’s not like a “life over” situation once you hit a certain age. you’re bright and insightful, and i’m sure you have a long, interesting road ahead of you. something i wish i had have realized earlier in my own life so that i didn’t waste so much time mourning my lost childhood. anyway. take care and try to remember that life isn’t as linear as people may have you believe.

Comment by idk— March 12, 2012 #

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	Luan on Penchant de Fromage
	Flak on Come As You Are.
	Aparna on Nanai Cucas
	Diego on Hot Cakes
	Nastya on The Whole Enchilada

Like Some Cat from Japan