The children on the other side of the wooden fence brought a smile to her face. Their innocent, jovial laughter danced in the new spring breeze that had arrived just the previous day in Spring, Texas. The residents of Spring, Texas sure loved their breeze.

The children’s laughter mingled with the lone Indigo Bunting’s warble and the Golden Retriever’s yap two doors down to create that unmistakeable melody of springtime. It was perfect.

For the first time in a week, Karina had forgotten about all her snags and hitches and worries. Yes, the sunlight that was not there yesterday made up for the mysterious splotches that appeared on her hands. The trilling birds that were not there yesterday made up for the spells of fatigue that struck her throughout ballet class. The clear blue sky that was not there yesterday made up for the chronic headaches, the chronic sore throat, the chronic eye soreness and the chronic bad stomach she had to cope with on a day to day basis. Yessiree, it was all made up for today.

She was not sure what the deal with doctors was these days. The second a doctor scanned their beady little eyes over her medical history, the appointment was cut short for they had come up with another genius diagnosis.

“Mrs. Pinzon, your daughter is an anorexic,” explains Smart Doctor Exhibit A. “She’s simply not eating enough and it is affecting her… uh… in this way she has described today.”

Was she not living in more medically advanced times? Were these not the days of justice and equality? Was Time magazine lying to her?

“MEDICAL ADVANCES MY BUTT!” she cried. Perhaps she was spending too much time in those magazine-laden waiting rooms…

Regardless, Karina was fed up at Eating Disorder sufferers being referred to as “those patients” by medical practitioners who, to top it off, made biased diagnoses and assumptions. For example:

“You like soy milk?”
EATING DISORDER HABIT!
“Your tummy hurts and you have excessive diarrhea?”
IBS! DUH!
“Gasp! You are a vegetarian?”
Well, you don’t care about the animals, that is just another Eating Disorder habit.
“Feel sick and struggling to gain weight?”
Eat more. It will solve everything because you are simply not eating enough. Oh! You know what would be even better? Eat half an ice cream cake! Mhm. You can’t possibly be sick. There can’t possibly be anything wrong with you other than the fact that you’re anorexic.
(The latter is only an example of a doctor making a false assumption in a worst case illness scenario. Obviously not everyone can have a chronic illness that results in weight loss as one of its symptoms, so do not use this as a crutch for your Eating Disorder and blame an undiscovered illness! Don’t let ED win!)

For the record, yes. Karina Pinzon was an Anorexic: an A-N-O-R-E-X-I-C.
And for the record, yes. Karina Pinzon was inclined to exercise a bit too much.
BUT for the record, she was eating enough. Perhaps more than enough, and she had witnesses.

So what exactly was wrong with our sixteen year old heroine? Why all the cynisism, and why the long absence from Blogland?

Once upon a time in the land of Ballerinas and Delicious Breakfasts, the young protagonist of a mysterious blog called Like Some Cat from Japan frolicked about. She was enraptured by the thrill of starting school again, but not just any school… college!
On the first day she adored her classes. English was a blast while Government, though demanding, was enjoyable. She was a success from the start! During this time she ate tasty breakfasts such as:

1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, Living Harvest hemp protein powder, cinnamon, stevia extract, maple syrup and lots of pumpkin puree topped with pineapple, blackberries, Reddiwip, pumpkin seeds, almonds, and the last bit of her cinnamon brown sugar almond butter!

and 1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, pumpkin puree, maple syrup, cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice and vanilla protein powder topped with raisins, soy nuts, pecans, Brown Cow greek yogurt, and a cherry for aesthetic purposes.

She also ate tasty lunches like:

Tofu sandwich on Alvarado Street Bakery bread with spinach, tomato slices, and Woodstock dressing. On the side, steamed french carrots and a peanut/almond mix with Hostess cupcakes.

and Amy’s Indian Palak Paneer with green beans and a side of greek yogurt and almonds.

She even ate tasty dinners! The biggest star of all was a recipe from Vegetarian Times magazine:
It featured tofu, ginger, an assortment of mushrooms, and bok choy.
I paired the entree with entrée with broccoli and quinoa.

Although the girl was eating well, she found two college level classes far too taxing and dropped one: Government. At that point, it seemed like all her troubles disappeared again. She was dancing, jumping, playing… everything! Her ballet instructors even told her mother that she was improving every week and that her daughter was dancing beautifully… it was a dream come true!

But merriment doesn’t always last forever… and sure enough trouble came lurking around the corner. The young heroine became stressed again and it did not help that she was growing weaker and weaker by the days. Daggers sliced through her stomach and spiders weaved tangled cobwebs in her head. She could not think properly nor jump properly for she was just too weak and sick. She was not gaining weight despite eating and eating. Even her eyes burned. But knowing the heroine… she could never give herself a rest. A powerful force inside of her wanted to see her going and going…. like a dreidel that never stopped spinning.

And what made the situation even worse was the fact that she could no longer blog on Like Some Cat from Japan because of the lack of time. Her blog was her haven, her sanctuary. A sanctuary where all her feelings, thoughts and ideas could take shelter. A place where she could be herself and write about whatever beauties and atrocities scurried through her mind. She had nobody to talk to and all her troubles were building up a high pile inside of her, and she was afraid that soon she’d collapse.

After much consideration, she dropped her English class as well and decided to take the next six months ahead of her to properly heal and get her mysterious health issues resolved. She knew that she had dived into the pool of knowledge too soon… it was a typical thing for her to do. Soar into things before she was ready.

This is unfortunately a story without a happy ending because it has no ending for the heroine’s life has yet to cease. She has her whole life ahead of her, a future to look forward to, and goals to achieve. But the way to achieve those goals and reach that promising future is not by pushing herself to extremes nor being hard on herself. With that approach she will fail at everything because nothing will never be good enough. She is a human, and humans by nature have limits.

R E S P E C T    T H E    L I M I T S    O F    T H Y    B O D Y    A N D    T H Y    M I N D .
They’re there for a reason aren’t they?

The girl slipped her eye mask further down and plunged her face into the leopard print pillow just before she threw the covers off.

It was 8:44, far earlier than she’d hoped to wake up on her “free day” but her logic told her that lying there like a corpse in denial would be no better than not sleeping in and getting started with her day.

Karina bounced to her feet and stretched her sore calves and hamstrings. Yesterday’s ballet class was t-o-u-g-h. Not only was the majority of the class done on demi-pointe, but the girl was already weakened by her lost lean body mass and that wad of phlegm she had stuck in her throat the entire time. Repulsive.

She wobbled down the stairs to prepare herself a bowl of comfort in her quiet kitchen, but first she thought she should lend her mother a helping hand. Helping others was one of the girl’s pleasures in life.

Karina cooked a packet of oatmeal in 1/2 c. skim milk, 2 tbsp. of Nesquik powder, and a bit of coconut extract. She then added a medley of fresh fruit, shredded coconut, Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds, and PB & Co’s Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter with a Cadbury Royal Dark chocolate square.

It was then Karina’s turn to prepare herself something equally delectable. Would she recreate her breakfast from the previous morning?

1 packet of instant oats cooked in 1/2 c. hemp milk, stevia extract, vanilla extract, a few drops of rose water, and an egg white topped with: 1/2 an Oatmeal Raisin Walnut Clif Bar, Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds, and a big spoonful of homemade cinnamon brown sugar almond butter?

No. Although the combination was divine and all, she was not the type of lady to eat the same breakfast two days in a row. With so many options and possible fusions of flavor, why would she resort to such monotony?

Since there was a plethora of pumpkin left over from the brownie cupcakes she had baked just the night before, she decided to make a jazzed up bowl of pumpkin pie oats:

The girl cooked a packet of instant oatmeal in Spiru-tein Cookies & Cream protein powder, 1/2 c. vanilla soy milk, approx. 1/2 c. or more of pumpkin (Karina doesn’t measure anymore), vanilla extract, maple syrup, a packet of stevia, and an egg white. She then mixed it with cinnamon/nutmeg/pumpkin pie spice and dress it up with Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds (yes, she is addicted), chopped medjool dates, walnuts, and a spoonful of almond butter.

There was not much time after breakfast for Karina to procrastinate. She had yet to unpack from her New York vacation which had come to an end over a week ago, and frankly, her mother was tired of watching her daughter live out of a suitcase. As soon as the girl finished the arduous task of unfolding and hanging up all her clothes, she took a look at the time and gasped. Only an hour until her appointment and she had not even prepped her lunch!

All dressed up in her finest birthday suit, Karina Pinzon scampered into the game room for a quick sip of her mother’s water.

“I’m about to shower and don’t have time to get my own from the kitchen!” Karina explained, catching her breath. She was already late enough for her doctor’s appointment.

Her mother responded with a tender smile, yet her eyes bore profound heartache.

“You have a beautiful shape but you really need those extra pounds, Cookie!” She tried to disguise her pain with faux effervescence. You know, for her daughter’s sake.

Karina exhaled and her lips drew out into a grin.

“That is why I’m going to have cookies with my lunch!” She giggled and bounced out of the game room. She could hear her mother’s genuine and jovial laugh of relief as she disappeared from sight.

Inside the shower, Karina took advantage of the comfortable solitude around her and reflected back on her struggles. Her journey through recovery had been a bumpy one. Bumpy like an old dirt road or a teenager’s complexion. She had gone through a diet “junk food” phase where she would follow Hungry Girl recipes and swaps to a T, an artificial sweetener phase where pure sugar was the Prince of Darkness, a baby food phase where her snacks and meals would include Gerber purees and toddler meals, a tuna/apples/coffee crash diet that hardly lasted, a “negative calorie diet” phase when she bought into the bullshit of negative calorie fruits and vegetables, an “orthrorexic” phase, an 8 mile a day run phase, an 8 hour a day couch potato phase, an Ensure/Boost dependency period, a 2400 calorie a day period, a 2800 calorie a day period, an intuitive eating period that gravely failed, then another 2400 calorie a day period due to her massive fail, then a 2600 calorie + 2 protein drinks= 3000 calories a day period, then all the way back to the intuitive eating period she was in right now. Minus the fail. She would not let that happen again.

And despite her sizable weight loss in New York, she felt that she was in a better place at the moment. The fact that she had lost weight while not vastly restricting nor exercising proved to her that she could not underestimate the amount of nourishment her body required to stay healthy, and that her body still required plenty of food when she was sedentary.

And by some magical means along the way, her fear of sweets and desserts lessened and she could now bite into a cookie or brownie without hyperventilating about it showing up on her stomach a minute later <— a phenomena that occurs far too often in the world of Eating Disorders. No brownie has the power to appear on a person’s thighs or abdominals in a matter of seconds, and in the majority of cases it will never show up (the minority being those who eat a whole pan of brownies every single night. That there is another problem.)

Karina stepped out of the shower, dabbed on her leave-in-conditioners and bustled back down to the kitchen to prepare her lunch.

She assembled a sandwich. A sandwich whose anatomy was composed of Tofurky Italian Deli slices, 2 slices of Alvarado St. Bakery California Style Complete Protein bread, and mustard. On the side she mashed up 1/2 an avocado for dipping and nice spinach & tomato salad for munching. Her dessert awaited her in the freezer. An icy cold container of Oikos sweetened with stevia extract and vanilla extract with a moist and chewy chocolate chip cookie frozen into it. Karina was already pretty full but she just could not resist! It looked too delicious to pass up.

And that is when she realized that she could not control everything and live a joyous life. By attempting the impossible duty of making every part of her life perfect and having everything go her way or the highway, she was not leaving any time in her schedule to just enjoy the beautiful people and things around her. Sometimes the only way to gain control is to lose a little control. Whether it is monitoring every calorie consumed, making sure that a stack of papers is flawlessly aligned, stalking a significant other over a trivially suspicious text, crying over a C in biology, or running on a treadmill for three hours to work off an indulgent meal… that is not living life. That is ruining it.

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.” -Harriet Braiker
Why? Because perfection does not exist. When a person aims for perfection, they are aiming for failure. They are aiming for obsession. They are aiming for depression. They are aiming for a broken spirit.

“For everything there is an opposite…. For hot there is cold, for life there is death. In balance there is perfection. Humans need to become balanced in order to bring this world to perfection.
Humans tend to reach for extremes and this is why there is chaos, disorder, and abuse done to people and the earth in general.
We always tend to seek more than is necessary, always looking for more pleasure and avoiding pain as much as possible.”
-You Are Enlightened

She took a vow to let life run its course. To learn to just listen to what her body, mind, and soul asked of her and in her case, not eat or exercise by a set of silly rules created by ED that just aim for the impossible: perfection. She had a new weapon now: Knowledge. Knowledge that she would never be perfect.

But she could be and do her best.
Be and do whatever made her happy.
Whatever made her happy.

I dare you to challenge yourself.
I dare you to challenge yourself to treat yourself.
Yep. I am daring you to bring pleasure, sweet indulgence, and self-gratification upon yourself, ignoring whatever protesting demon it is that lies inside your head.

If you have a full-time job: you deserve a treat for all those hours you commit to making a living doing what you love (or hate).
If you are a student: you deserve a treat for putting up with unfair professors, uncivil classmates, and those long hours spent on your history project the night right before it’s due.
If you are a mother or a father: you deserve a treat for experiencing childbirth, the 3 A.M. bottle feeds, and retaining your sanity during the psychotic period of adolescence.
If you are recovering from an eating disorder: you deserve a treat for the fact that you have accepted that you have a problem, realized that you can not live life to the fullest with an ED, and are doing something about it. That takes a lot of character.

Like I said in my post yesterday, everything in moderation is fine and indulging in a dessert now and then is perfectly healthy! So go ahead, dig into that chocolate cake you’ve been eyeing at your local bakery or serve yourself a nice bowl of ice cream with your favorite toppings! Or you could have a slice of the delicious cake recipe I am about to share with you for Peanut Butter Nutella Cake.

This moist, whole wheat cake brings the familiar taste of peanut butter and fuses it with the velvety taste of Nutella. The results are sumptuous. Serve it frosted with extra peanut butter and Nutella for added flavor as a treat with coffee or tea, an after dinner dessert or a sweet yet filling breakfast!

Preheat oven: 375F
Bake: 30 minutes

Instructions:
2 c. whole wheat flour
1 c. packed brown sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 c. 2% milk
1/2 c. half and half
1/4 c. creamy peanut butter
1/4 c. Nutella
2 eggs
1/4 c. softened butter
1/4 c. Kefir yogurt, plain
2 heaping tbsp. Nutella

Directions:
-Grease the bottom and sides of a round baking pan, set aside
-In a large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Once mixed, add: the milk and half and half, the peanut butter, the 1/4 c. of Nutella, eggs, and butter. Beat with an electric mixer on high speed, scraping the sides of the bowl.
-Add in the Kefir and other 2 tbsp. of Nutella. Beat for another minute.
-Pour the batter into the prepared round pan, evenly spreading. Bake for 30 minutes in the preheated oven or until a toothpick comes out clean.
-Once done, serve it warm or cool it on a wire wrack.
Makes 8 healthy servings.

Today, I treated myself to some Freshberry frozen yogurt topped with almonds, granola, and strawberries. Going to Freshberry Frozen Yogurt Cafe brought back so many memories from “recovery: take one” (back in March 2009). For some reason this time around in recovery I developed a fear of frozen yogurt? Interesting…. but hey, that fear is gone now!

If you are bold enough to take on my challenge, what are you going to treat yourself to?

Anyways, here is what my mom cooked up for lunch:My mom made this three-bean sweet chili for lunch. At first i didn’t like it very much but as I continued to eat it, it grew on me. BIG TIME. I loved it and I can tell that it is going to be one of my new favorite comfort foods. Perhaps I will ask my mother for the recipe if you guys are interested!

On a more serious note, I visited my nutritionist today and… it was no bueno. I’ve lost X pounds and am below XXX again. We believe that the loss was a combination of both the bronchitis nastiness and… ED trying to creep back in.

When I was in New York, not exercising and all, I suppose I chose to eat less and told myself “when I get back to Texas, things will go back to normal and I’ll listen 100% to my body again.” At least… that is what ED wanted me to believe. He wanted me to believe that things would go back to normal so that he could latch his handcuffs around my wrists while he could.

And as you can predict, things did not go back to normal and the consequences showed up on the scale.

BUT, the nutritionist and I talked about it and I know exactly what I have to do and hell, I am going to do it and gain back those lost pounds.

Nice try, ED But you are dealing with a determined pro here.

Before I say Au Revoir, I’d like to thank Kierry of Tasty Health Food for tagging me for the “beautiful blogger award” and fill out the little activity that comes along with it. Kierry reviews healthy snacks and diet-friendly food in a fresh and fun way. She is also a really sweet girl and I love her and her blog .

7 Random Facts about Me:
1. I once had a dream that I was raped by a giant turtle without a shell. It was very scary.
2. I play the violin, dance ballet, write and draw as ways to express myself creatively and artistically.
3. When I was a little girl, I went through a phase where all I talked about were farts and it was very unladylike.
4. I love to experiment with baking and I aspire to write cookbooks showcasing my own recipes in the future.
5. In the house I currently live in, I have fully redecorated my room 5 times and switched bedrooms 3 times. I suppose I’m unstable in my place of residence
6. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to receive and send packages to other bloggers but don’t know how to go about this!
7. I do not like chocolate that much (I do crave dark chocolate sometimes though), but adore any spiced desserts such as gingerbread, apple spice cake, zucchini bread, and cinnamon rolls, etc…

And I tag….
Any readers who have blogs and have not been tagged yet!
You all deserve a beautiful blogger award in my opinion.

Hehe, I am off to go enjoy the rest of the afternoon (and eat what I am supposed to eat). Enjoy your Wednesdays!
Love you all. Pie the Cat says hi.

P.S. the cake recipe for Peanut Butter Nutella Cake above is my recipe. It does not come from a book, website, or magazine. It comes from my own experimentation and mind so please do not endorse it as your own. Thanks!

P.P.S. don’t forget to answer my Q of the Week! It will change on a week to week basis every Monday and it is located as a poll on the right hand side of my site. Alrighty, good bye for real now!

]]> http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2010/01/13/i-dare-you/feed/ 35 ajapanesekitten chocolates dear readers cake 3 pb utella cake 2 chili Photo on 2010-01-13 at 11.14 #3 karina2 http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2010/01/12/new-york-i-love-you/ http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2010/01/12/new-york-i-love-you/#comments Tue, 12 Jan 2010 23:04:43 +0000 Karina Pinzon http://spidersfrommars.wordpress.com/?p=3448 ]]> Entranced by the fallen trees atop the verdurous grass, Karina Pinzon stared outside her car’s back window. The car, along with a couple of Holiday Inns, had been her home for the last three days. Five people. One car. Ten hours a day. Joy.

The girl sat motionless, except for the fidgeting of her leg, and moaned at the numb discomfort of her worn-out arse.

“My butt is tired of sitting,” Karina muttered to herself. She didn’t have the right to complain, however, about something so small after all the fun she’d experienced this winter break. How could anyone complain after vacationing in New York?

She leaned back in her seat and smiled. The trip had been completely unplanned, spontaneous, and spur-of-the-moment. Just the way she liked it! Karina took a moment to thank God for her wonderful and adventurous family, as she knew friends back home who were not so blessed in this department.

Memories from her family’s Christmas Eve party twirled about her mind, hand-in-hand with the recollection of baking cookies with a very special little boy.

Her adorable little cousin, Zion, meant the world to her! The fact that he lived in California broke her heart since she could not baby sit him, see him, or play with him very often. When they were together, however, it was cousin lovey-dovey magic!

A bump in the road caused the girl’s camera to ricochet out of the car’s cubby, awaking her from her nostalgic trance.

She switched the camera on and fiddled through the photographs recently taken in New York. Disappointed to find so few photos despite the number of memorable events, she frowned. Carrying such a heavy camera in busy, bustled Manhattan was just not ideal!

Karina smiled at the pictures she had taken and decided to relive the wonderful moments she saw on her camera’s screen….

When they arrived at her cousin’s east side apartment in Manhattan at 4 A.M., all the Pinzon family wanted to do was sleep. The road trip had been grueling and long, and everyone could feel the lack of sleep down to their bones.

After such a rough arrival, Karina woke up at 1:30 P.M. and wanted nothing more than to enjoy a nice bowl of Kashi GoLean cereal immersed in a mixture of plain WholeSoy & Co yogurt, almonds, blueberries, and cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice:

This first day was a piece of gingerbread cake since the weather outside was bearable and the frequency of cold winds were scarce. Although it was New Year’s Eve, they did not have much to do since they hardly knew anyone in the city except for their cousin (who was in Florida) and Karina’s mother’s childhood friend.

The family took it easy, still exhausted from their lack of slumber, and simply strolled around the city until it was dark. They rang in the new year at their cousin’s apartment, surrounded by each other’s love, each with a dozen grapes to make their new year’s wishes on.

Moving forward in her recovery was one of Karina’s top wishes.

****************

It was January 1st, and the city’s cold winds gushed up against the apartment windows with fury. The weatherman revealed that it was fourteen degrees outside with gusts of winds that made it feel one below zero. Just the thought of stepping out of the warm apartment and into the frigid outdoors made Karina’s butt feel ice-bound.

On January 2nd, it was no different. Icy winds burst, spurt, jet, and streamed between the sky scrapers, stinging the exploited skin of New Yorkers.

Karina’s toes went numb as she ran toward a taxi. A taxi that would take her to meet the two girls she’d been longing to meet.

The meeting was an event that she would never ever forget. There was never a dull or uncomfortable moment (except for when Karina fudged up the locations where they’d meet) because it was as though all three of them had known each other for years and they were just three old friends reuniting after a while. Almost like they were cousins, even!

Karina cherished their time spent together and felt so fortunate to finally meet her lovely friends, Maya and Eliza. She loved each of them for who they were as individuals… and hopes that they know that if they ever need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, or some words to brighten their day, they have a girl in Texas waiting for them with open arms and ears!

******************

As soon as she woke up, Karina dug into another bowl of Kashi GoLean and soy yogurt, only this time she topped it with blueberries AND pineapple with Maranatha peanut butter.

After breakfast, Karina, her cousin Ricky, and her father ventured deep into the world of Tim Burton. An exhibit at the MOMA displayed his personal art and some authentic costumes from his movies, along with the original models and designs he created while planning his films. It was a very special exhibit to Karina since she was such a fan of his movies. She would watch Mars Attacks! around three times a week when she was a kid.

Suddenly, a thick, dense cough came from within the girl’s chest. It was so strong and heavy, that she felt her muscle weaken and she had to lean against her father. Her nose  was wet and despite the abundance of clothing on her body, she could feel the cold like daggers submerged in her bones.

Ricky took a subway home, so Karina and her father met up with the rest of the family at a noisy Ruby Tuesday in Times Square. Noise: a very difficult thing to get away from in the city. She appreciated the liveliness of New York. No, in fact, she LOVED it. The energy and passion of some of the New Yorkers she’d come across inspired and electrified her.

The only issue was that noise and open seating in restaurants triggered her panic attacks. She experienced a rather bad one at Ruby Tuesday that night and had to run to the bathroom to do some deep breathing.

When they arrived at the apartment that night, Karina felt ill. Phlegmy cough. Watery nose. Sore muscles. Chest pain. Could it be bronchitis?

****************

Yep. Their last day in New York was spent nestled in their cousin’s apartment with the lovely company of tea, grilled cheese sandwiches, and Mucinex.

and lots of these.

The next morning, the sickly Pinzon family gathered all of their belongings to begin their three-day car trek to Spring, Texas. Karina coughed up a lung as her brother coughed up his, and slipped on her long furry jacket to keep her warm.

For fuel, she turned to a comforting bowl of oatmeal. There was nothing better to soothe her tired throat and fill her fragile tummy.1 packet of instant oats cooked in 1/2 a packet of vanilla Jay Robb’s protein powder and hemp milk. Topped with apples, almonds, and cinnamon.

As she spooned the last bit of oatmeal left into her mouth, her father’s car pulled up in front of the apartment building with a honk. It was time to go home. With a frown painted upon her face she entered the 16th floor elevator, exited the building, and stepped into her car, ready to leave the big city.

credit to: google

—–THE END.—–

Hehehe, hello! It is I, Karina .
I am back in Texas, I quickly recovered from my bronchitis, and I am happier than ever! I hope everyone had as lovely a winter break as I did. I thought about all you guys so much!

But anyway, I’m going to try to keep the rest of this post short since it already appears to lengthy but I do have some exciting oat recipes I must share…

Iced Cinnamon Bun Oatmeal

1 packet of instant oatmeal cooked in:
-1/4 c. International Delight’s french vanilla coffee creamer
-1/4 c. hemp milk
-1/2 a packet of french vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast
-1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
-cinnamon to taste

After cooking the oats add:
-1 sliced banana
-1 handful of Blue Diamond’s cinnamon brown sugar almonds

For frosting mix:
-1/2 tbsp.- 1 tbsp. cream cheese (amounts depend on how much frosting you’d like)
-1/4 tbsp.- 1/2 tbsp. almond butter
-Stevia

After the frosting is added to the oats, sprinkle of brown sugar over the concoction and enjoy!!!

Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal

Okay, okay. You’re probably rolling your eyes at how overdone this type of oatmeal is but I promise you you’ve never seen pumpkin pie oats prepared this way…

Cook 1 packet of instant oats in:
-1/4 c. International Delight french vanilla coffee creamer
1/4 c. hemp milk
-1/2 packet of vanilla protein powder (I use Jay Robb)
-about 1/2 c. pumpkin (or more if you’re feeling pumpkinny)
-1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
-cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, and nutmeg to taste

After cooking the oatmeal, crumble a Kashi Pumpkin Pie fruit & grain bar over the oats.
-throw on a handful of Blue Diamond’s cinnamon brown sugar almonds
-spray on some Reddi Whip and savor the oatmeal.

***************

I wanted something simple for breakfast this morning since I had a nutritionist appointment (that was later cancelled) and I was in a big hurry. I cooked my oatmeal in hemp milk, 1/2 a packet of Jay Robb chocolate protein powder, an egg white, and coconut extract topped/mixed with cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice/ginger, a crumbled pecan pie Larabar, and a spoonful of my homemade Cinnamon Brown Sugar Almond Butter….

I made my own almond butter last night out of my delicious Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds. As you probably already noticed, those are my main addiction of the moment. Why you may ask? Because they taste JUST LIKE CHURROS. You know, those fried cinnamon sugar things you can find at Disneyland?

All I did was pour some of the almonds into my food processor with a wee bit of olive oil and voila! Perfect churro flavored almond butter. Mmmmm….

I’m off to go enjoy some pudding and blackberries as my lunch’s dessert. I punched ED in the face today when I bought some Jello sugar-free dark chocolate pudding… I know that I shouldn’t be buying DIET food, but I had a massive craving for pudding and ED was tormenting me by telling me that Splenda would make me fat. Yes, it was telling me that a diet food would make me fat. My body experienced the familiar  nauseous/frozen feeling that washes over my body when I pick up a fear food. And since the rule is to make ED upset and he was ordering me NOT to buy it… I did!

Everything in moderation is fine whether it be healthy, unhealthy, sugary, high in fat, low in fat, high in sodium, purple, green, orange… whatever! We can’t live our lives in fear and that is why in tomorrow’s post  I am going to share the recipe I concocted for Peanut Butter Nutella Cake. My mom said it was the best cake I’ve ever made.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Love you all and I’m thinking of you all so much.

Happy Holidays!

]]> http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/21/where-have-i-been/feed/ 43 ajapanesekitten karina2 http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/11/3409/ http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/11/3409/#comments Sat, 12 Dec 2009 04:50:30 +0000 Karina Pinzon http://spidersfrommars.wordpress.com/?p=3409 ]]> Become the size of Thumbelina and crawl inside the safety of my pillowcase is the only thing I want to do.
The sound of my own moans and groans fill the toasty room, along with the angry sound of Nirvana songs.

Ecto-plasma, Ecto-skeletal…

It literally feels as though a man has wrapped his rough hands around my stomach and crushed it. I don’t understand how I am even able to sit up at the moment.

But despite wanting to disappear off the face of the planet for a while, I am in a good mood. My week has been phenomenal! With each day that passes, that sheltered girl inside of me peeks her head out more and more, like a baby chick about to hatch.

credit to: google

To be honest, intuitive eating is the greatest thing to have entered my life in the past two years. Or should I say re-entered? I feel like I could waltz out into the world, take on whatever challenge is thrown at me, and not even break a sweat.
Two weeks ago, I would have never even dreamt of reaching this point so quickly. It just demonstrates the amount of faith I deserve to have in myself. I am damn capable of overcoming this and I’ve done damn well so far. My life no longer revolves around food. It no longer revolves around calories and numbers. It revolves around me and what I want.
I am the director of my own life, not some brain-dead eating disorder.

Anyways, here are some of the intuitive eats I’ve been munching on lately:

Sunday’s Dinner: 1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, chocolate protein powder, and cinnamon. Topped with almonds, almond butter, cottage cheese, and Sensible Food’s tropical blend crunch dried fruit.

Monday’s Breakfast: 1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, Spiru-tein cookies & cream protein powder, and 1 egg white. Topped with soy nuts, pumpkin kernels, almond butter, cottage cheese, and blueberries.

My mother underwent surgery that day to have a lipoma on her biopsied to assure it was indeed benign, and….. it was! Thank God, my entire family was so concerned that it would be a tumor. Since she was really sick the day of her surgery, I made her a special breakfast when she arrived home:1 packet instant oats cooked in soy milk, cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice, and vanilla extract. Topped/mixed with whole almonds and a crumbled Kashi TLC oatmeal-raisin flax cookie.

Tuesday’s Breakfast: 1 c. Kashi GOLEAN cereal mixed into Oikos Greek yogurt topped with pumpkin seeds, blueberries, and almond butter.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese & Tomato sandwich on Pita bread served alongside carrots, hummus, and more tomatoes. A glass of chocolate hemp milk on the side.

Pre-ballet Snack: Blueberry Crisp Clif Bar spread with Peanut Butter. Almonds on the side.

On Wednesday, I went to take my COMPASS college placement exams to see if I qualified for any college level courses. I did not make the mark in the math department (unsurprisingly!), but went above average in the reading, writing, and essay sections. Therefore, I get to go to school with the big kids . I enrolled in English 1301 and Government.Wednesday’s Breakfast: 1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, Jay Robb’s vanilla whey protein powder, and cinnamon/nutmeg/ginger. Topped with soy nuts, 1 sliced banana, coconut shreds, carob chips, and almond butter.

Want to discuss spontaneity? I had no idea the COMPASS test was going to take 5 hours, so I did not go to the college prepared with a snack or a part of my lunch. After finishing the math section at around 1:50 P.M., I went outside to take a much needed breather. I told my mother I was starving, but that I would have to wait until I finished the test since I did NOT want to use the vending machine.
My mother pulled a Clif Bar out of her purse and handed it to me. Two weeks ago, I would have freaked out and said, “BUT THIS DOESN’T FIT INTO MY PLAN. I DIDN’T SCHEDULE THIS!”
But I am inching toward normal now so I cooed and cried, “OH THANK GOD, I WAS DYING OF HUNGER!”
Hello!? When you are hungry, you eat!

Thursday’s Breakfast: 1 container of Oikos topped with pumpkin granola, blueberries, almond butter, and shredded coconut.

Having completed a week of eating intuitively, I payed a visit to my ED team. The appointment with my psychologist rocked and even he could tell I was a different person. I have more energy. I am more animated. I am basically myself again!
My nutritionist’s appointment was also splendid. I went in horrified that I had lost weight and that maybe I had restricted and not realized it but guess what? NO WEIGHT LOSS. In fact, I gained a wee bit!  And I am almost positive it was all schmexy ballet muscle, baby

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS BALLET LEOTARD

And surprisingly, I am also in love with the fact that my BONES DON’T JUT OUT ANYMORE. I look like a living, breathing human again… not some starved carcass.

My aunt, uncle, and I went for lunch at Blimpie Subs where I ordered the VegiMax with a bag of Fritos. I spent the entire lunch with a smile on my face thanks to the flirtatious sandwich guy. AND I was confident enough to flirt back for a change! He liked my taste in Fritos and Aerosmith jams. Oh baby.

Dinner: Grilled tofu with green beans and sweet potato chunks. A side salad with Woodstock dressing on the side.

Today’s Breakfast: 1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, cocoa powder, and Jay Robb’s Piña Colada protein powder. Topped with Nature’s Path PB Granola, blueberries, almond butter, soy nuts, and cottage cheese.

You know, now that I am done writing this post my stomach feels much better. The evil man who was crushing it seems to have given up and moved on. Phew!

Well, I had a three-hour ballet class tonight and I’m awfully tired, so I am going to call it a night after I watch some TV with my brother.
I am sending EVERYONE my positivity and love.
KISSES.

P.S. Check out Maggie’s awesome giveaway. My goodness, I love that girl!

Oh I love the weekends. The freedom. The silly antics. The endless nights. The extraordinary shopping.

On Saturday, this wonderful lady named Zoe gave me the honor of taking her shopping with me once again. I must say that she is the best shopping partner I’ve ever come across. I love her.

We chose to take on the challenge of scouting the enormous Galleria for men’s clothes, vintage wear, and accessories. While it was no small feat, we succeeded.

Urban Outfitters Charles & 1/2 Splatter Y Neck. $9.99

Story: At Urban Outfitters we encountered a creeper. Zoe and I were in the men’s section talking about what kind of t-shirt Ch****, Zoe’s friend, would like for Christmas. Well, this tall man in a mysterious, black windbreaker comes up behind us and says: “Yeah, I’m a teacher, let me help you” in a very come-hither voice.
Though we didn’t ask for his opinion, we welcomed this stranger’s help… until he began to ask us what kind of teacher we liked.
We didn’t even know why this madman spoke to us about teachers in the first place, so we asked him if he was one.
“Maybe I am… what do you want to learn?” He replied.
We fake-laughed and tried to get away. But he followed us.
We decided to escape over to the girl’s section, where we thought we were safe, but he followed us again. Each time I looked up… his goo-goo eyes were glued to mine. Ewie.
Finally, we left the store and escaped Mr. Madman. But then I saw him in the food court again. o.O
The End.
While in the girl’s section, I found this: Urban Outfitters Mini Mouse Crop Top. $9.99

Express was the next store on our agenda. But first, Zoe and I met up with my schmexy boyfriend, Matthew Underwood, from Zoe 101.Yeah. We are pretty seriously involved. (kidding)

Express Men’s Varsity Cotton Cardigan in BOUNTY BLUE

Soon after, we scooted over to Macy’s and inhaled so many Lush soaps that by the end of the night, all we could smell were sex bombs. It was a titillating experience.

I bought this cute top in the Petites section:cable & gauge top in BLACK.

We finished the adventure off by splitting a Kind bar and going our separate ways.

Today.

I felt so lazy this morning. I slept in until approximately 10:30 A.M., then lay there like a corpse until 11. It was joyous, really. I have never felt so grateful to have the right to just lie there. No monster to tell me to get up and stretch. Or eat breakfast immediately. Or tell me I will become obese for relaxing.

I wanted something different for breakfast, something to break the routine! So I toasted two slices of hemp bread, spread them with Maranatha creamy peanut butter, made me some scrambled eggs, pulled out a mini Babybel cheese, and poured some soy milk into a glass. NOTHING was measured.

I can not even begin to explain to you how happy I am at the moment. To not count, to be so free, so spontaneous is incredible. As I get closer and closer to being recovered, I realize how good I had it before ED came into my life. I will never take liberty for granted again. The right to eat and do what one wants is something to be cherished and honored. There should be a holiday dedicated to our freedom as human beings. How about every day?

My brother and I agreed to take those “fashion model” photographs of me in my new clothes. We were both awfully bored and had nothing to do so we set up this little project, which took close to all day. Luckily, my photographer gave me a lunch/Frito break:I love my Fritos.

I almost did a repeat of yesterday’s delicious lunch but as I looked into my refrigerator for some grub, I received a text message from a man who loves spicy food. Then, I just couldn’t resist some wings.My half-eaten lunch: Boca buffalo wings, carrots & hummus, and… Fritos. Duh!

Yesterday’s lunch:Apple, Sweet Potato, and Leek Gratin. Glorious.

Well, loves, I am dead tired. I have been glued to the computer all day long thanks to Photoshop, so my head is just throbbing. Send me some Tylenol?

J’adore all of you! Hope you all have fantastic Mondays!

]]> http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/07/fashion-coma/feed/ 31 ajapanesekitten IMGP3977 IMG_4663 copy IMG_4773 copy IMGP3970 IMG_4263 copy who IMG_4179 copy Untitled-1 copy IMG_4729 copy IMG_4168 copy karina2 http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/04/spontaneity-liberty-and-passion/ http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/04/spontaneity-liberty-and-passion/#comments Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:23:01 +0000 Karina Pinzon http://spidersfrommars.wordpress.com/?p=3367 ]]> The house was dull and murky, entrapped by an ominous silence that harrowed its’ fearful occupants. From the kitchen, Karina Pinzon violently stirred the contents of a bowl that sat on her kitchen counter. The batter within was thick and green with both the consistency, and stench, of melted Stinking Bishop. It was her weapon. Her weapon against those things.

She kept her peripheral vision awake and alert, watching the cabinet to her left like a lion hunts its prey.

A violent force pounded against the cabinet door as though a thousand pound monster were thrown against it, followed by continuous banging. Karina refrained her stirring and held the wooden spoon in front of her face, ready for whatever attack came her way.

As she anticipated, fear crawled in and paralyzed her as chills crept their way up her spine. The cabinet was only moments away from bursting, and every moment she awaited felt like decades.

“I can do this, I can do this, I can-”

Just then, the cabinet burst open and out poured an army of fiery red spiders! Venom dripped off the tips of their fangs as they came toward her like a stampede, with a look of wild hunger in their eyes.

Karina plunged the spoon into the green sludge, then catapulted it into the sea of spiders, watching them sizzle and scorch to death. The creatures let out a shrill cry as they crossed over into slain spider carcasses.

Her chest swelled up with pride at the slaughter that surrounded her. She had defeated the lethal spiders.

Exhausted, she trudged back to the mucky bowl and began to clean up after her mess. No one ever said that concocting rare venomous spider poison was a tidy task!

As she rinsed the bowl out and scrubbed the counter top, a light tickle squirmed up her leg. Karina scratched it and blew it off, but sure enough that tickle turned into an itch, and then that itch turned into a sting…

When she bent over to check what the irksome itch could be, she discovered 30 vicious spiders gnawing at an open wound on her calf! The sight was so gruesome that she retched into the garbage can before she could even react to her own welfare.

“HELP! PLEASE HELP!” She cried as the gash stretched upward toward her thigh. The spiders were reproducing, and the flesh on her leg was the offspring’s first meal.

“Noo-” she blubbered as blood spilt from her throat. There was no home-made poison left… she’d washed it all down the sink.

As the gaping wound had already met her stomach, she decided to just let it be and end the struggle. Let herself sink into the tile floor and watch the world around her dim and close in around her.

Her lips went numb and frosted over. Her corroding muscles seized to ache. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

And then she woke up.

————————————–

This is the description from my journal of a dream I had last night. It really hit me because I never seem to have nightmares anymore… I seem to only have disturbing dreams now. You know, dreams that give you chills when you think of them. They usually involve me running from something… feeling entrapped… hopeless. Sort of the way ED makes me feel. Does anyone else believe that ED can torment us even in our sleep? And has anyone else ever had those dreams where you feast on tons and tons of food, and then wake up horrified that it actually happened? I used to have those feast dreams all the time when I was more ensnared within the cavernous depths of ED.

Anyways, I have some grand news to share with you all but before I expose it, I’d like to show you all some eats from the past few days:

Tuesday: 1 packet instant oats cooked in 2 egg whites and hemp milk. Topped with a crumbled Ginger Snap Larabar, almonds, crystallized ginger, cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice/nutmeg/ginger, peanut butter, and almonds.

Acorn squash stuffed with wild rice, cranberries, veggie beef crumbles, and Butterkase cheese. Salad with Woodstock dressing on the side.

Wednesday: 1 packet instant oats cooked in hemp milk, Jay Robb’s chocolate protein powder, and Nutella. Topped with soy nuts, 1/4 c. cottage cheese, almond butter, blueberries, DCD Peanut Butter, cinnamon, and crunch dried fruit.

Thursday: 1 c. Kashi GoLean Crunch! mixed into Oikos Greek yogurt, pumpkin seeds, PB Cookie Larabar, cinnamon, and almond butter.

I made carob chip oatmeal cookies yesterday! Mmmm.

Friday (today): 1 packet instant oats cooked in Jay Robb’s vanilla protein powder and hemp milk. Topped with blueberries, soy nuts, shredded unsweetened coconut, cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice/nutmeg, and one of my crumbled oatmeal cookies

You guys may be wondering why I have been so flighty with how often I post lately. I usually like to notify everyone in advance before I’m absent for a day or two, but my life has honestly been so beautifully spontaneous lately that planning in advance is not something I am able to do!

When I first came back from Colombia, I was in a place where I had so many hopes, so many dreams, so many goals! I wanted to do everything! I had a baking business, I was looking forward to school, I wanted to visit with friends, I wanted to paint and make t-shirts. There was so much that I wanted to do because I was enthusiastic about life, almost adrenalized.

Then, I went back to school and ED crept in like one of those sneaky, red spiders. I could spot when ED tried to grasp control of me (like that nettlesome itch on my leg), but was too scared to face the reality of the situation: I was in the midst of a relapse and everything would go downhill from there.

My dreams diminished. My hopes vanished. All I cared about, the only thing I felt adrenalized about was losing weight… and the cycle began again.

Does it seem sane at all to dedicated one’s life, one’s hobbies to weight loss? Throw your grades out the window?Stop your body’s development? Refrain from social activities? Dump your happiness into a garbage can? And all just to lose weight? That doesn’t even need to be lost?

No, it is not sane. But to ED, it is.

And when I gave in to ED, I gave up the baking business which was going so well. I gave up the new friends I had made and the old ones I’d regained. I gave up a semester of school. I almost gave up ballet. But most importantly, I gave up my mind.

And I am just now getting it back!

Thanksgiving may have been the day that changed my outlook. I ate intuitively at dinner and listened to what my body wanted to eat because my nutritionist told me to do so. Of course, it was a challenge, but I wanted to do it for me.

It was a lot easier than I thought, I almost liked it. And that is why I chose to do it the next day at lunch, as well. That is when I liked it even more.

On Tuesday, my nutritionist told me that I was ready to ditch the calorie counting all together.

“WHAT!”

ED went berserk. I told this to my nutritionist.

Her reply supported my “challenge” mind set: if you stick with ED… you stick with ED. It makes sense, no? And since ED feels in control when he counts calories, it is logical to take that privilege away from him. The goal is to recover from the Eating Disorder, not just the gain weight back, isn’t it?

You have to mentally commit yourself to recovery, not just eat the food/calories you are told to consume. That will not solve the foremost problem: the mental illness. It may help to an extent, but in reality, dropping every ED habit is the only way to let him go: compulsive overexercise, undereating, overeating, and all.

I have done very well so far with intuitive eating at meals, and believe it or not, I haven’t restricted! I don’t see a skinny stick in the mirror although I am still underweight and my reflection is definitely still skewed, but I am beginning to like this person I see in the mirror. Because it is me. It may not be the reality, but the point is that no matter how we see ourselves… we should love ourselves.

Look in the mirror and accept who you see. We are all beautiful.

Once there is acceptance, everything will fall into place and you will eventually see your true self in the mirror. The trick is to love that reflection no matter what ED throws in front of you, because if there is no hate or stress… what  does he have to hold on to? Nothing.

As I slowly get my life back together, I get the urge to follow my dreams again. I want to go out again. I want to live. I don’t want to be on the computer all day long, and I’m sure you can all understand that. I use this blog as a way to journal my feelings, and I think blogging should be something that I do when I want to do it, when I want to express myself (and when I have time too, of course). I want to be happy and stress-free, we all deserve that!

So I am going to make my blog less of a routine, scheduled thing. I don’t want to feel pressured to blog anymore, it is an activity/hobby that I cherish so much that I always want it to be a pleasure… not a stressor. Sometimes, I may post a few days in a row or I may post three times in a week. It all depends on where life takes me.

Spontaneity, freedom, and passion are a beautiful thing. Before ED came into my life, that’s what it was about.

And you know what, ED? That’s how it’s going to be again.

BECAUSE I’ve been looking into Lone Star College System to get tested for next semester dual credit classes and I may go on a weekend trip to Dallas next weekend without ED stowed away in my travel bag. I’m so excited!

I love you all, keep an eye out on my posts! I am not quitting, I just won’t post on a regular basis.

Aim for happiness and liberty.

]]> http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/12/04/spontaneity-liberty-and-passion/feed/ 22 ajapanesekitten IMG_4093 copy IMG_4114 copy IMG_4120 copy IMG_4128 copy IMG_4142 copy IMG_4156 copy karina2 http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/11/30/you-done-mistreated-my-billy-and-im-bound-to-take-your-life/ http://likesomecatfromjapan.com/2009/11/30/you-done-mistreated-my-billy-and-im-bound-to-take-your-life/#comments Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:56:15 +0000 Karina Pinzon http://spidersfrommars.wordpress.com/?p=3349 ]]>

Sunday.

Karina drew in a breath of air and looked up at the purple sky that enslaved her. She crept across the parking lot, unmindful of the world around her, and plopped onto the passenger seat of her aunt’s car.

Why, why, why has my mood shifted?

Earlier that day, she was the embodiment of elation. She awoke that morning with a sense of optimism that lit up her dingy room. No strange compulsions. No exercise rituals. No nothing. Just the sound of birds chirping and the standard Sunday morning slothfulness. It would be a good day.

She sat straight up in bed, surprised that her ED was not ordering her to “get the fu** up!” and caught up on as many blogs as she could before her tummy outcried.

“Breakfast time,” she sighed with a smile daubed on her face.

Karina danced down the stairs and greeted her family with a warm hello…. that is, until her father argued with her about why alcohol could be legal but not marijuana. Why this topic was brought up? She had no idea.

1 packet instant oats cooked in Celestial Seasonings gingerbread spice tea, hemp milk, 1 packet of Alive! vanilla soy protein powder, and nutmeg/cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice. Topped with 2 tbsp. almond butter, 1 oz. pumpkin seeds, and maple syrup.

Despite the petulant and unnecessary quarrel, breakfast proved to be a success.

Karina bolted back up to her room and chose to fritter away her time on YouTube…. where she came across the undercover Rainbow World Exotics PeTA video, revealing the true conditions of the poor animals bred at this massive animal breeding mill, which is one of PetSmart’s suppliers.

As a strong animal lover, seeing the environment those defenseless creatures lived in just to be sold in a pet store brought tears to her eyes. She decided to visit the PeTA website and inform herself on what other companies continued to mistreat animals and test their products on them… the results blew her away.

She hurtled to her desk, pulled out her Strawberry Shortcake notebook, and produced a list of stores and companies she would no longer be a customer of. Among the list were PetSmart, Lowes, Neutrogena, Olay and Aveeno products. She promised to finish whatever animal tested products she had, since the damage of purchase was already done, and then revamp her body care/cosmetics collection with new, cruelty-free items.

They don’t deserve it! (R.I.P. Cosmo <3)

************

At around 2:30 P.M., the sun played a game of hide-and-go-seek with the people it once warmed. It was chilly and humid outside, with a grey tone that seeped into the houses and hearts of innocent folk… one of those folks being Karina Pinzon.

Her stomach felt like a skunk had sprayed in it, slapped it with its tail, and then sprayed it once more.

“This stinks,” she moaned as she stared into her refrigerator. Nothing enticed her.

But just because her stomach felt sick did not mean this meal could be an “ED Freebie.” There are no cheaters allowed in recovery!

She measured out 2 tbsp. of hummus with 8 Triscuits as an appetizer, then made a high calorie meal replacement shake:

1 c. hemp milk
Jay Robb’s vanilla whey protein
1/2 c. blueberries
2 tbsp. Maranatha peanut butter

A stinky concoction (I don’t know why it smelled funky?), but a delicious one.

Karina still felt sick after lunch, almost depressed, but ignored her body (bad!) and went to the mall with her mother and aunt.

At the mall, everything around her felt wrong. Everything around her felt doleful and hopeless. Her stomach wailed and wept, and her heart sniffled and sobbed… but she had no idea why. Eventually, she asked her aunt to take her home because she just couldn’t bear the shopping center any longer.

She ate her snack on the way home, tears on the verge of bursting, and tried to dig deeply inside of herself: Why am I so sad?

1 Vitabrownie with Oikos Greek yogurt.

When she polished off her snack, it all became very clear to her.

“You didn’t exercise today… you really shouldn’t have eaten that.”

“I don’t need to exercise every day,” Karina replied to the gravelly whisper. “I am supposed to give my body a rest.”

“Now, who told you that?” it scorned. “Your nutritionist?” It let out a boisterous, grating laugh.

“As a matter of fact, yes. And she knows a hell of a lot more than you do.”

“Well, that doesn’t change the fact that you still have that copier running amok. You better watch your back, and your weight, or she may just be better than you.”

Karina lumbered her feet onto the pavement and pounded up her driveway, afraid to choke on that rapidly swelling lump in her throat.

Once her front door slammed shut, she leaned against it for a moment to catch her breath. She wiped a tear off her cheek, wormed up to her room, and read the previous night’s blog comments. They put a smile on her face and she tried to believe the beautiful words as best she could. Karina began to write up a new post, but eventually the dejected feelings crept back in, interrupting her writing.

After a while, her family pulled the morose adolescent out of her bedroom, and dragged her to Jason’s Deli for a meal. After her nourishment, she played the Sims, ate yet another snack, and went to bed.

Monday.

Sanura, the Siamese cat slinked onto Karina’s bed and rubbed her nose against Karina’s forehead.

“Baby!” Karina beamed and nose-rubbed her back.

Hunger gamboled inside of her, as usual, so she placed the cat on the floor with heed and cooked up another bowl of oats, as usual.

1 packet instant oats mixed into chai tea prepared in hemp milk, chai tea Spiru-tein protein powder, and cinnamon/nutmeg/cardamom/ginger/pumpkin pie spice. Topped with whole almonds, sunflower seeds, cottage cheese, 2 tbsp. peanut butter, and blueberries.

After breakfast, Karina reminisced of yesterday’s gloomy spirit. She was proud of herself for not restricting, but was still shocked at the effect this new girl had on her. It was ridiculous, but there was nothing she could do to solve the matter. She could never tell someone with the same problem as her to stop copying her. It seemed too cruel and Karina’s heart was too big to hurt someone.

“Oh, kind, kind heart,” Karina sighed. “You owe me one for brushing this off.”

The End. My apologies for the very unclimactic ending.

~~~~

It is 1:12 P.M., I am in a relatively good mood, and I can not wait until 5:45 P.M when I leave for ballet class. I need to dance off some steam. I had two dreams last night, one of them was wonderful because I was with two of my favorite people (Maya & Eliza) and the other one sucked because my teeth hurt and my mouth would not close. I have no idea what the significance of that is supposed to be, but something tells me that it’s not a good foretelling. Yes, I am one of those people who believes that dreams hint at the future.

I am going to take a shower soon, eat my mother’s three-bean pasta for lunch, and strive to make this a good day. So far it has been alright, so I have hope!

Strive to make your days wonderful too, yes?

Love you all.

P.S. Listen to Staggolee by Pacific Gas & Electric. I always like to pretend that I am Staggolee and that Billy DeLyon, the hangman, and the devil are ED since Staggolee is so badass that he wins in the end. It is a nice, motivational scenario, isn’t it?

Thanksgiving: the one day of the year where families around America sit down at the dinner table to do two things: give thanks and feast. For most Americans this is the day their greedy stomachs look forward to, but to others… it could mean danger.

“Thanksgiving used to be a happy day,” sixteen year old Karina Pinzon said. “Then a bitch came into my life and made me fear it.”

Pinzon is a United States native who has battled Anorexia Nervosa for the past year. To herself and disordered eaters around the world, Thanksgiving does not mean food and family, Thanksgiving means an opportunity to “get fat.”

“The week before Thanksgiving, my daughter would tell me every day ‘I’m scared, mommy’” the mother said. “I tried to tell her that no one day would make anyone fat. It is all about moderation! Indulging is healthy.”

Pinzon came to understand this Thursday night when she experienced an “epiphany” that could change her life.

“As I was serving myself restrictively, I realized that this is one day of the year and I should let myself enjoy it.” Pinzon said. “I deserve to indulge like everyone else and give thanks with my family.”

As she continues to move forward in her recovery, Pinzon hopes to live every day as liberally as she did on Thursday. According the United States Declaration of independence, all humans are equal and have the right to pursue happiness. This does not include being under the tyrannical rule of another.

“I promise to never let my eating disorder keep me from enjoying and living my life again,” Karina said. “I don’t deserve to live my life in fear. Bring me the corn bread.”

Oh how I miss writing for the newspaper .

Yesterday’s breakfast: 1 hemp bagel spread with 2 tbsp. raw Maranatha almond butter, blueberries, and a chocolate protein shake.

On Thursday I lived my life liberally… and it felt great. I counted calories up until dinner and then again after dinner, making sure I reached a total calorie goal without dinner included. I thought I was going to chicken out and count dinner/restrict instead of eat intuitively, but I didn’t. I ate a bit of everything I wanted and stopped when my plate was clean, and my tummy satisfied.

I did the same yesterday at our “post-Thanksgiving lunch.” I uninvited ED to my family’s festivities, locked him out, and scolded him for trying to crash.

I had me some Tofurky, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, my mom’s famous cornbread and a side salad. I would have had sweet potatoes too but everyone gobbled them up the night before. Including me.

The freedom I felt these past two days is indescribable. I wish that everybody unfamiliar with an ED-free lifestyle could experience what I felt. I was so inspired by the experience that I ordered a veggie burger at Red Robin (on THEIR bun) and was centimeters away from buying a cookie at the movies.

All it took to make this much progress was a little push. A little determination. I honestly can not stress enough how important it is to challenge yourself in recovery from Eating Disorders. I am no expert but when you are trying to get rid of something/someone in your life, are you going to follow its orders and stay on its’ good side?

NO!

If ED tells you to do 100 crunches, don’t do them.
If ED tells you not to go your friend’s party because there will be cake there, put on your party clothes and get out of the house.
If ED chooses a salad over a cookie at a buffet, grab the cookie now.

When you obey any of ED’s orders, you are making zero progress. It just holds you back all the more. The sooner you fight, the sooner you put on those boxing gloves and give ED a good punch, the closer you will get to permanent freedom. Permanent freedom and happiness.

Happy Person Exhibit A

On an unfortunately less positive note, I’ve been unsure of myself lately… and I don’t mean physically.

You see, there is this girl I sort of know who has stolen my style, my personality, and my words, then calls them her own.

Now, I am not one to get catty and this typically would not bug me since imitation is a form of flattery, but some of my own friends have taken notice of her… and I am afraid that I may be replaced.

What upsets me the most is that her thoughts are clearly not genuine and coming from her own heart and mind, yet people are falling for it. They’re falling for her veneer: me.

I don’t like to talk about others in such a public way and this is the first time I talk about this issue, but right now I feel like I am not good enough… and like I am such a simple person to replace. A few of you may have an idea of who I am talking about.

But anyways, ballet class was cancelled this morning due to my instructor’s sinus headaches, so I had plenty of time on my hands! I did some stretches and had a delicious bowl of oatmeal. It tasted like a warm and gooey snickerdoodle cookie!

1 packet instant oatmeal cooked in hemp milk, 2 tbsp. almond butter and Jay Robb’s vanilla protein powder. Topped with 1/2 c. Kashi GoLean Crunch!, sunflower seeds, and plenty of cinnamon, nutmeg, and pumpkin pie spice.

I decided after eating that giant snickerdoodle cookie , that today would be a good day. I will set my worries aside, keep my chin up, and hope for the best.

Enjoy your Saturdays, beautiful girls and any handsome boys. Hehe.