Inspirational Meal Plans

May 20, 2012 at 11:45 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Tags: amy's, anorexia, bad, ben and jerry's, blog, boca, boost, calories, celiac, chili's, chips, cinnamon roll, clif bar, corn pops, cottage cheese, dairy, eating disorder, ensure, example, food, fromage blanc, full fat, gluten free, green valley, high calorie, horizon, how to, ice cream, ideas, inspirational, jason's deli, karina pinzon, kefir, kinnikinnick, lactose free, late, lays, like some cat from japan, meal plans, milk, nutella, orthorexia, plus, recipes, recovery, red robin, sample, starbucks, taco bell, udi's, vegetarian, weight gain

Overnight oats (find “recipe” below writing under May 16, 2012 meal plan)

Sometimes I like to dig into my mind like a gardener amongst fertile ground. The vast expanse appears clear, appears empty, but beneath its lush exterior lays Earth and sustenance. The soil awaits a seed to seeps its substance into and fertilize. It awaits an opportunity to make something grow.

My body and mind itch for a seed to expand, to nurture and to parent but because of my deteriorated health, the seeds I’d like to sow cannot be planted.

I cannot express how important it is for me to be a part of an activity that sets goals for me. Growing up an active child (ballerina, figure skater, soccer player, cheerleader, etc.), sportsmanship and the need to constantly self-improve became measures of confidence I lived on and thrived off of. The goals I planted for myself at a young age kept me inspired throughout my childhood, turning me into the passionate young woman I am today.

Weeding though my past, I came to the conclusion that ballet, even just once or twice a week, is not a positive activity for me and I will not be making a return to it when I am allowed physical activity again. It is time to say goodbye to ballet.

Seeing as I am starting fresh at a new school this coming fall (GO CELTS!), I’d like to start anew in all areas of my life and finally feel mentally prepared to play capoeira, a Brazilian martial art involving dance and music. I’ve dreamt of starting capoeira classes for ages but my fear of change and things unknown always held me back. I’m ready to take a risk now though, ready to plant a new seed.

Before I can even think of playing capoeira, however, I must gain back to a healthy weight… and be serious about it.

I think I’ve taken my recent weight loss too lightly, not realizing the true toll it takes on my body and life. After visiting my dietitian yesterday and receiving a burdening wake up call, I now see how serious the situation I’ve fallen into is.

I’ve dropped even more weight since the last time I saw her and now the drop is not digestion related, it is eating disorder related.

With the amount of rage I feel, I could just rip the eyeballs out of my sockets and die but instead, I’m going to better this situation by doing something about it. I do NOT want to end up like the tragic example my dietitian shared with me yesterday.

My dietitian sees a brilliant client who not only won a scholarship but also earned a position at a very competitive summer internship. She dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon but guess what? She cannot participate in the internship because she is too sick from her eating disorder to partake. This girl’s eating disorder pulled her from pursuing her dreams and will continue to do so if she does not help herself. She may not even get to go to college because of her physical and mental health, and if that happens, then where will her dreams of neurosurgery go? The grave, that’s where.

I don’t want to end up like her. I don’t want my dreams of capoeira, university, residential life, independence, and becoming a successful journalist buried. The only thing I want six feet under is my eating disorder so that I can finally live my life CONSISTENTLY IN PEACE.

Right now, I am headed in the direction of my dietitian’s client and I need to put a stop to that immediately because I don’t WANT my life shattered this way. I don’t what your lives shattered by an illness either.

That is why I am going to share weight gain meal plans from my past, present and future to inspire and motivate both my readers and myself. We can do this! Lets eat and gain health so that we can follow our dreams.

I really hope these help out those struggling to gain weight. It is important to gain weight eating “NORMAL” foods, not only the stereotypical Orthorexic/health food blogger type of foods. I’m not putting anyone down but lets face it, the majority of the “recovery” bloggers are struggling with plenty of issues with their food choices that are mentally holding them back.

TAKE CARE, EVERYONE!

****** These meal plans are not meant to be precisely followed, as everyone has different needs. The plans I shared above are entries from my personal food journal, which I have actually eaten in the past (hence the dates above each entry.) If you are recovering from an eating disorder, you should be seeing a dietitian or health care professional specializing in eating disorders to guide you. These meal plans are posted solely to inspire and give ideas. You should follow a plan that suits YOUR body’s needs.

I am a real person.

May 14, 2012 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: hummus, food, anorexia, karina pinzon, eating disorder, recovery, applegate farms, formspring, gluten free, blog, help, bulimia, mental, instagram, sabra, ajapanesekitten, binging, purging, salami, genoa, mood swings, illnesses, lettuce, salad, dressing, blueberry, lemon, scones, cloves, baking

My mood swings frighten me.

My mind feels raw, bare, and vulnerable- susceptible to any influences that cross it.

The true me lies in the core of my mind; she’s happy, wild and free, always ready to embark on an adventure and experience new things. This core is vulnerable though, and like a child fearful of monsters in his closet, I shield my core beneath a blanket- a heavy suffocating blanket.

I think I’m afraid to feel anything real, even happiness: the state of being I’ve fought over for years. If I crave happiness so badly, why then do I continue to cower from it, merely dipping my toes into when I’m given the chance? Why can’t I just take the plunge?

Because with happiness comes tragedy.

Without sadness and disappointment, happiness cannot exist. Without negativity, positivity holds no place. In a world without opposites, there can by no true feelings because all emotions are the same. There is nothing to foil, nothing to compare.

I’m so horrified to face true life that I revert to compulsions, eating disorder related or not, to distract myself…. to numb myself from reality- whatever that may be.

What is my reality? Who exactly am I and why am I so afraid to be this mystery person 100% of the time? I don’t have the answer to these questions, and for that reason I continue to go to therapy.

I want to learn how to face my life and stop immersing myself in sickness and depression to run away. Being sick, sad, and babied to the point where I need to be taken care of helps me escape. In my subconscious, if I can focus on my illness, my self-pity and my patheticness, I can forget the world around me and avoid being present.

The realization of the way my mind works disgust me! How can I do this to myself time and time again? How can I allow myself to succumb to depression just because it makes me feel empty and numb? I should not desire emptiness, but I do, whether it be physical or mental.

When I’m empty, I do not feel sad. I do not feel disappointed, or afraid, or nervous. At the same time though, I also do not feel happy or proud, excited or peaceful. I just feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

That is no way to live! It’s okay to feel! And because of common sense, I am aware of this. I just need to work on learning to accept human emotions- both the “good” and the “bad.”

I don’t know a sure fire shortcut straight to healthy coping mechanisms, but I’m going to work at reaching them. Recovery requires continuous, vigorous effort. Just because you’ve make progress in the food and weight areas of eating disorder recovery does not mean that the labor is over. Eating disorders are complex illnesses constructed of deeper issues, which are personal to every suffering individual. It is the process of tackling these specific deeper issues after weight restoration that paves the road to full recovery. If these issues are not ever confronted, falling back into old coping mechanisms (starving, binging, purging) is difficult to avoid. And these harmful coping mechanisms always hold us back.

I know I say this repeatedly but I’m so tired of dreaming.

I’m so tired of settling for the vacancy that is my being.

I want to do things. I want to be present.

I realize that I’ve always spontaneously returned to my blog on various occasions, each time sharing my happiness at being “almost recovered,” only to face my sickness yet again and for that instability, I apologize. I promise that I come here to share my “almost recovery” experiences and then take them back not because I’m trying to fool you guys, but because in those time periods, I legitimately FEEL “almost recovered.” With every inch of progress I make, however, I realize how much more I can improve, how much farther I can move and then I’m just left unsatisfied… and unhappy.

What is worse is when my readers send me disappointed messages saying things like, “I thought you were already recovered, how could you lie on your blog?” or “You said you were at a healthy weight and had no eating disorder thoughts. You are a fake!”

Those messages hurt me and chase me away from the internet.

I NEVER lie to my readers. I am nothing but honest with my experiences as they come and I swear that what I write on this website is what I feel, but I can’t help it if what I feel at times is a manifestation of the problems that ultimately make me deeply unhappy.

The most I can guarantee you from my blog, 100% manifestation free, is the diary of an 18 year old girl going through a drawn out process to get a life. There are ups and downs, there are discrepancies, there are realizations and epiphanies, there are tears and laughter, but most importantly… there is reality.

And my reality is all I can give you.

Sincerely,
a real person.

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On another note, I’ve had people request shots of food so I’m going to give the people what they want!

I baked blueberry lemon scones today. Depending on how much my family and I enjoy them, I will share the recipe here sometime this week.

For dinner this evening, I had a fresh salad of iceberg lettuce, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers, olives, and orange cranberry dressing.I coupled my salad with a baked sweet potato and stir-fried shredded beef.

I also jumped ahead and made tomorrow’s school lunch! I don’t have time to pack a lunch in the mornings so I always put it together the night before. Applegate Farms Genoa salami slices, sliced cucumber, fresh strawberries, Sabra hummus, and a homemade almond flour butter biscuit.

I hope that today’s post gave somewhat of a glimpse of what I’m going through. I’m really confused with my emotions and my mind. To those who follow my Formspring, I should be back to answering Formspring questions soon.

Take care, everyone.

P.S. If you use Instagram, follow me (username: ajapanesekitten). I’m addicted.

Strength to live- and party.

May 4, 2012 at 6:51 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments
Tags: after prom, anorexia, anxiety, blog, boost, calories, celiac, damage, freedom, gain, help, inspiration, intuitive eating, irrational, karina, like some cat from japan, limo, party, Pinzon, plus, prom, recovery, strength, villi, weight, weight loss

It’s hard to believe that in three and a half months, I’ll be sitting in a dorm room- my dorm room….. and it’ll be my new home.

I’ll be the furthest away I’ve ever been from my family, which horrifies me. I’ve never even spent a weekend away from them!

Despite my fear, I am still excited to commence a new chapter of my life. A REAL beginning, not just one I set for myself, but shared by thousands upon thousands of graduating high school seniors around the planet.

My anxieties (both rational and irrational) haunt me, however, and they interrupt the pleasure of all my day dreams.

I’m scared to lose time with my 87 year old grandma, who is a second mother to me. Will she feel as though I left her behind and abandoned her? Or what if she passes away while I’m on campus? Just the thought of not having her bores a hole through my stomach.

I’m also scared that my new-found independence will shove me into a pit of recovery confusion, or worse- relapse. Will the lack of strict schedule be my downfall in the future? Will I allow the lack of daily observation to revert me to old habits? And how will I maintain the reins on my dietary needs?

So many questions circle through my mind, twirling themselves into a whirlpool of self-doubt. Before I can even worry about my future and worry about potential (and avoidable) self-sabotage, I need to completely settle myself into a healthy lifestyle right now, which is something I’ve been working on.

In my last post, I talked about my learning how to intuitive eat. While this is something I still plan on mastering, it is a process I need to put off temporarily in order to gain more weight.

Recovery truly never stops and like it or not, there will be ups and downs because n o b o d y i s p e r f e c t.

What differentiates a true recovery from a lackluster one though is the ability to try and pick oneself up from any backtracking- accidental or not.

I’ve been plagued with digestive issues from a young age (on and off since age 5) and due to some recent ingestion of foods I was unknowingly allergic to, I harshly irritated my digestive tract and rapidly lost weight as a result.

As a result of that, my dietitian restricted exercise again and has me drinking a Boost Plus daily in order to gain back the weight (it is important to gain to a healthy weight and maintain it to keep your body healthy and balanced!). I’ve been following her orders for the past two weeks (no exercise, Boost Plus every day) and when I saw her this Wednesday, I still didn’t gain any weight. My villi is damaged.

As much as I would like to start exercising again, I’m not going to because I know that it would be abusive to my body, which is obviously struggling to regulate itself again. This willingness to fully comply with my dietitian’s orders- because I know she’s right, shows me how far I’ve mentally come in the past years of recovery.

I must continue with the Boosts and put off fully intuitive eating until I’m at my healthy weight again. My physical health is number one to me enjoying LIFE. If I’m physically healthy, I can focus on and handle anything that fate throws at me because I have the strength.

I vow to do what I need to do to get my body back on track so that I can once again begin the road to 100% free eating. I can use the idea of intuitive eating in the future as motivation! I promise to take care of my body and regain that beautiful strength- that strength to have fun, that strength to love, that strength to dance, that strength to look forward, that strength to survive. Oh, and that strength to party

I mention party because tomorrow is my senior prom and I have a weekend of absolute fun planned out. My schedule is loco-coco though. Check it out:

Saturday
3:00 PM- hair appointment
4:00 PM- makeup
5:00 PM- meet group for photos
6:00 PM- group gets picked up for dinner reservations
6:30 PM- dinner reservations at an Italian restaurant
8:45 PM- head to the other side of town for the dance
11:15 PM- group gets picked up from the prom to go to my house and change
1:00 AM- leave my house for APE (After Prom Extravaganza lock-in)
1:30-6:00 AM- have fun at APE
Sunday
6:00 AM- go home and sleep
10:00 AM- wake up and get ready
11:00 AM- meet group and leave for road trip to San Antonio
2:00-8:00 PM- Six Flags amusement park
8:00 PM- ???????????? AM- HAVE FUN
Monday
????????? AM- 5:00 PM- wake up and explore San Antonio
5:00 PM- come back home and end prom weekend

WHEW! That sounds like a lot of fun. I feel so blessed that I have the opportunity to enjoy myself freely, and not worry about food one bit. I may have some health issues going on but I’m still free.

One of my lovely prom group ladies and I acting silly.

I’m off to go bake some goodies for the road trip on Sunday so I’m drawing this post to a close. Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

A Whole New World- “Intuitive Eating”

May 1, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments
Tags: anorexia, body, book, challenges, eating disorder, elyse resch, evelyn tribole, how to, hunger, inspiration, intuitive eat, intuitive eating, journey, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, listen, process, recipes, recovery, scale, scared, signals

I’ve entered a new realm in recovery, one of foreign territory.

After lingering and settling in the same spot for months, it was time to make a change for the better of my body, my future, and myself.

I haven’t counted calories in close to a year.

I haven’t known my weight in close to three.

I’d like to say that numbers mean absolutely nothing to me but numbers, still, in some way dictate my life. That external control is my poison.

Although weight, clothing sizes, and calories no longer influence me, time began to imprison me throughout my recovery, strengthening and fortifying its lock as days/weeks/months passed.

I grew into the habit of eating at certain times every day in order to make my meal plan and recover hunger cues, which greatly benefited my recovery in the early and medial stages. These designated times eventually transgressed from a healthy habit to a strict obsession over months of repetition, to the point where I felt emotionally unable to eat outside these time frames. Just the thought of deviation sent my nervous system into panic mode.

And now that I feel ready to fully learn how to intuitive eat, it is time to break free from all external cues and focus solely on what my body communicates to me, like a normal eater… like an innocent child… like someone who trusts their body.

I’ve been trying to intuitive eat for what seems like decades but giving up that controlling and hyper-disciplined eating disorder behavior over night is impossible. I needed those time guides and schedules to keep me on track while transitioning away from calorie counting. I needed those “clean plate” rules to ensure that I met my nutritional needs. But I can’t baby myself or maintain that “mechanical eating” mentality forever if I truly want to intuitive eat someday.

From this day forward:

-If my body tells me it’s hungry an hour before my “usual” meal time, I vow to honor this sensation and feed my body anyway.
-If my body tells me it’s full after eating only 3/4 of what is on my plate, I vow to trust its signals and stop eating, because I know that I have the right to eat again whenever my body asks for more food- even if that is 30 minutes after a meal!
-The same idea applies to if my body is not full after finishing my plate of food. I am allowed to eat THREE or FOUR plates of food if my tummy so desires as long as I eat until I am comfortably full and satisfied.

Mechanical eating had its place in my recovery and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it, but now it’s time to take the next step outside of my comfort zone and CHALLENGE myself again.

Like I’ve said before, recovery is about continually challenging yourself and if you find yourself stalled at a plateau as well, I suggest you join me in my efforts and change something with me. Kick your healing back into gear!

And if you happen to find yourself in my exact pair of shoes, transitioning between non-calorie counting to full-blown natural intuitive eating, I recommend the book “Intuitive Eating” by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA.

Although the book talks a lot about weight loss in certain cases, it speaks to a very broad audience of conflicted eaters which I found not triggering and very relatable. It has a healthy and inspiring attitude towards food, exercise, and body image and establishes free eating, obliteration of diets, and shunning feelings of guilt. It also stresses that learning to intuitive eat is a process (much like recovery from any addiction or eating disorder!) and any “mistakes” are learning experiences- not failures.

I’ve been following the intuitive eating principles for four days and I’m not going to lie, I feel like I’m back at square one again- like a lost puppy with muddled emotions and confusion. I’ve already found myself freaking out about “eating too much” or “eating too often” but these are all evil judgements made by my eating disorder who hates freedom… but guess what? I like freedom and I can achieve this. We can all be free, even if the journey is scary. That’s what courage is for.

I can’t make any promises but I’d really like to come back to blogging and use Like Some Cat from Japan as an open journal again to express my experience throughout this totally foreign journey to me. I really need that support.. I can’t do this alone. And anyway, I miss you guys! Please join me and take steps forward in your recovery.

Take care!

The New Year Approaches.

December 28, 2011 at 12:32 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: ambient, anorexia, cars, drums, dubstep, eating disorders, escape, glowing, inspiration, karina pinzon, lights, like some cat from japan, loss, new years, positive, recovery, resolution, thinspiration, thinspo, weight gain

The white lights of passing buildings.
The red glares of moving cars.
The lime blaze of glowing odometers.

Music blasting through my headphones, I stared out of the car’s window and thought about how badly I wanted to get home.

I wanted to get home, slip out of my blue jeans, and lie on my bed- lie on my bed and listen. Just listen to music.

I craved the electronic sounds of droning instruments, haunting synthesizers and beating drums. I craved the pillowy top of my turquoise comforter, the plush feel of my mattress, and warming security of my own bedroom- my own little world. I wanted to close my eyes and just disappear, if only for a bit.

The bedroom door- I wanted it closed. I wanted a brick wall secluding me from the world, a wall enveloping me in solidarity. I could taste the escape on the tip of my tongue just thinking about it.

I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to listen to the music and let the beats decide what direction my thought should travel in. Let the timbres choose where to turn.

Like a person unties the laces from their sneakers, I wanted to untie myself from any feeling. That’s all I wanted. Really.

Back in the car- 20 minutes from home, 20 minutes from that sacred escape within my bedroom- I looked over at my mother, her hands bolted to the steering wheel.

My mom never has the time to lie on her bed, pants off and speakers on, to just appreciate good music. She doesn’t have the time to build a barrier between herself and her responsibilities- my poor mother has no time for escape. In reality, most adults do not and as I near adulthood an inch closer ever year, this idea of losing time frightens me.

At that moment, as the neon green glow of the odometer struck me across the face, I suddenly felt afraid of myself- afraid of how quickly the numbers of age had piled on top of me. Four years passed by so quickly and I’d gone from a naive 14 year old girl to a knowing 18 year old female all in the span of what seemed like a slow evening. Four years in one evening. That’s what it felt like.

As my car crept along the freeway, the unavoidable prospect of becoming an adult seemed like a death sentence. I’d already wasted four years on an eating disorder- four years of my YOUTH on an eating disorder- and all I was going to do was get older. Older, and older, and older. I was just starting to get my life back for Christ’s sake!

I was finally normal, finally having fun again and time was a mammoth clock perched on my back. I wanted to be 14 again and just start over from scratch. Drifting through high school with depression and anxiety excluded me from so many experiences common to growing up- the dates, the parties, the firsts and the lasts- you know, the standard high school hooplah. As I sat in the passenger seat of the car, now 10 minutes from home, a knot of regret swelled in my stomach.

But was the remorse worth it?

I could no longer do anything about those four years “lost,” I couldn’t rewind and take them all back to the start like a video cassette. In fact, as much as I wanted to pity myself, those four years of misery made me who I am and I grew from them. Instead of regretting time I could not gain back, I should focus on the years ahead of me and make the most out of them.

Promising myself to never relapse or fritter away precious time is the best thing I can for myself to “make up” for those four years lost. By healing 100% and continuing on as happily as I am now, I may even GAIN 4+ years of life. Who knows?

I’m not really one for New Year’s Resolutions but if I must pick one, that would definitely be it: Never fall into the hands of Anorexia- or any wasteful addictions- ever again.

SOUNDS LIKE A MEANINGFUL RESOLUTION TO ME!!

Happy (early) New Year to all! Don’t waste any time. We are only given one life and what we are given is very short. Drifting through and not experiencing things as they come…. it’s not a good idea.

Not “The Girl-Next-Door”

December 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments
Tags: anorexia, applegate farms, awkward, blog, burger bun, calories, chicken burger, colombiana soda, confidence, flaws, heinz, high fat, ideal girl, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, perfect, pretty, recovery, reviews, self esteem, self hate, skinny, sweet relish, udi's gluten free, victorias secret, weight gain

I’m a really strange person.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the kind of strange that cannot be kept a secret. Everyone must know about it- and if they don’t know about it, they must at least be suspicious of it.

There are days, seemingly chosen at random, where I embrace it and feel (dare I say it?) proud of my “weirdness” but then there are other days where I entirely abhor it and pray that I’ll wake up the next morning as the textbook example of “a perfect female”….. whatever that may be.

The reason this topic is etched in my mind is because lately, I have taken a burning interest in boys again; and with this interest comes raging hormones and with those raging hormones comes the self-conscious awkwardness experienced by preteens. Yes, I find myself back in the age of gawky self-doubt where one questions whether anyone of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you.

I look in the mirror and feel that my nose is too crooked, my ears to stuck out, my hair far too flat and my skin way too splotched.

I reflect on my persona and feel that my hobbies are too unrelatable, my interests too obscure and my humor beyond what is proper for a lady.

In my mind, all I hear is “too much this” or “too much that.”
What exactly am I measuring myself to?

When I truly analyze it, I think I am comparing myself to the “ideal girl” society has created for us. My interpretation of who I’ve been told the “ideal girl” is goes as follows:

IDEAL GIRL
Name: Ideal Girl
Height: Taller than most girls, shorter than most guys
Weight: Thinnest girl in the room
Looks: A down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model
Personality: Prim and proper, smily all the time, feminine, soft and giggly, tells funny yet appropriate jokes, gets along with everybody, charming , yada yada yada

Ugh! I can’t be that girl!

My name is not anywhere close to “Ideal Girl,” my name happens to be Karina Pinzon. I’m shorter than a lot of girls and sometimes even taller than a few guys because guess what? PEOPLE COME IN ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE SIZES. And my weight? Ever since I’ve gotten closer to being recovered from my eating disorder, I’m no longer always the thinnest girl in the room. There are now several girls thinner than me and that is OK. I am healthy and best of all, no longer at risk of dying of heart failure at the age of 18. Concerns like THAT are strange and sad.

Continuing to compare myself to Ms. “Ideal Girl,” I also sure as flipping-ass hell do not look like a “down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model.” I have never ever been the girl next door. In fact, I’m more like the girl who lives in the abandoned house down the street with rotting oak trees and flourescent unicorn ornaments on her lawn.

I’m also far from giggly and appropriate. When I laugh, I cackle and when I tell a joke, you better believe it’s a dirty one. I’m not an “ideal girl” and you know what? Even though I want to crawl under a rock because of the things I say and do in public sometimes, I like being unique and I like being weird. I like being me.

I take a look at the other girls around me, who go through boys like they do underwear during that time of the month, and I wonder “HOW do you find ‘boy toys’ so easily!? How do you find boys that you not only like but that also LIKE YOU BACK?”

Maybe I will never know. All I know is that I am never going to find a mutual love interest unless the love I have with myself is mutual.

My body may love me now because I am giving it what it needs to be healthy and strong, but… I have to love it back.

I have to appreciate, thank it, adore it for allowing me to DO the things that make me the “strange” and “unique” person I am. Without my body in tip-top health, I wouldn’t be able act upon my “weirdo” tendencies. I would just be another drone, ebbing and falling through the turbulent waves of life- not really enjoying anything. I’ve been in that position before and I don’t want to be there again.

I want to live my life, being WEIRDAZFUCK, and like it.

If I meet a boy, great.
If I don’t, fabulous.

Either way, I’m going to be happy.

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A memorable meal….

A mozzarella, tomato, mayonnaise, spicy mustard and breaded chicken burger sandwich on Udi’s GF burger bun with Heinz sweet relish and sweet potato fries! This was perfect with a glass of Colombiana soda.

I should probably go study for the precalculus exam I am inevitably going to fail tomorrow. Take care, everyone!

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I Prefer Eating Ham, Not Feeling Like It.

November 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments
Tags: anorexia, blog, bulimia, calories, compulsions, eating disorders, exercise addiction, food, inspiration, karina pinzon, ketchup, lays, like some cat from japan, loaf, mental illness, millet chia bread, original, potato chip, recipes, recovery, sandwich, udi's gluten free, weight gain, weird food combinations

I felt “fat” last night.

Fat as in, really dreadfully fat.

As I lay hyperventilating on my game-room couch, my body seemed to morph into the oven-fried pork loins my mom made for dinner that night. Every bone in my body dripped with guilt and self-hate as I felt like a “pig.”

I sunk deeper into the couch, which felt like a suffocating bucket of lard, and moaned about how dreadful I felt. I even tweeted about it.

“OH MY GOD. I AM A DEEP FRIED PORK LOIN, A HAM STEAK, THE BATTERED COATING OF AN ONION RING. HOLY SHIT, I AM SO FAT!” I cried, being the melodramatic Anorexic I turn into sometimes.

Every inch of me felt compelled to slip on my tennis shoes and bust my butt on the treadmill, going against everything my therapist and dietitian expected of me. I wanted to run my problems away, run the feeling out of my body, and run toward a higher self-esteem. I don’t even like running. In fact, I hate it.

That is when I realized my solutions and my thought process made no sense.

Why would I think that running, against my medical team’s orders, would make me feel better about myself? Why would I think that exercising without permission would help my recovery? Why would I think that burning calories would solve all of my problems?

It wouldn’t, and it would be a complete waste of my time and money to do the opposite of what my medical team told me to. What’s the point of paying my dietitian and therapist if I’m not going to obey them? Disobeying my mentors is a stupid idea that only harms me.

With that, I remained on the couch, leaving my tennis shoes tucked away in the darkness of my closet. I fell asleep, still feeling “fat”, but I had the satisfaction of knowing I made the right decision.

——— ——— ———- ——— ——— ———- ———-

The following morning (AKA: today), I awoke with a powerful freshness. The “fat” feelings from the previous night had worn off and I was left with the high effects of triumph.

Today is a new day and I feel very energized, and inspired.

Had I given into my ED urges and succumbed to the appeal of temporary relief, I know that I would feel worse today because I would’ve been one step closer to falling back into my eating disorder habits. I may have felt better and less “fat” last night if I had given in, but then today would have been a whole different ball-game. I know for a fact that I would feel weaker today, weaker and more entrapped by ED.

By remaining firm in what I knew was best for me, I became a warrior. Just like a body builder challenges his muscles to make them stronger, I challenged my eating disorder and made my mind stronger. That is how it’s done. It takes a little sacrifice and a lot of hard work to recover. Instantaneous relief is overrated.

ANYWAY, I had the best lunch ever today.

Buffalo chicken, Swiss cheese, mayonnaise, cucumber, tomato, and mustard sandwich on Udi’s millet chia bread. On the side, original Lays drizzled with ketchup. Gahh, so delicious!

I am going to spend the rest of the day drawing, reading a school book, and helping my mom out with Thanksgiving cooking in the kitchen. I feel so happy today!

Everyone have an awesome day

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Anorexia Can’t Crash My Holiday Parties.

November 21, 2011 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments
Tags: anorexia, blogs, buffalo wings, calorie allotment, calories, challenges, eating disorders, fish tacos, foods, french fries, high fat, inspiration, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, listen to your body, nutrition facts, recovery, red robin, twitter, weight gain

Sometimes I question what I am doing with myself and why I choose to do it.

I question why I try so hard to gain weight, and why I force myself to “sit on my butt” all day and be inactive.

I also question why I push myself to make higher calorie food choices and eat beyond my fullness level too.

I question why I do the opposite of what so many people in today’s society do, and why I choose to be the odd one out in a culture so fixated on losing weight. It seems counterproductive to put myself under the limelight of self-doubt and be the only one amongst a table of salad eaters to eat a real meal, but in those situations where I feel “weird” and “self-conscious” about eating more than others, I remember that not everyone eats as lightly as the people around me in that moment. I just CHOOSE to notice those who eat less than me- or should I say my eating disorder chooses to do so?

If I look beyond the table of people I choose to eat with, I see a larger population of people simply enjoying food- free of thinking about calories, health, and body size. I see a mass of normal humans simply eating to nourish themselves and enjoying the time spent with their family or friends.

As much as my eating disorder wants to convince me that the dieters around me make up all of the population and that I must conform to their ways, the reality is that notion is simply untrue. Just because that random girl at my lunch table eats crackers and soup every day for lunch does not mean that the girl at the next table over eats the same way or that it is “normal.” My eating disorder filters the “normal” eaters so that I can only see the abnormal eaters… and why? Because it wants to TRICK me.

Thankfully, I keep my common sense and logic tucked into my back pockets and that makes me one tough girl to fool.

Whenever I break my filter and choose to notice the healthy and normal eaters around me, that is when I am reminded of why I choose to do what I am doing with myself- and what I am doing is recovery.

I am choosing the pitfalls and torments of recovery because I want to BE one of those normal people I know exist out there. I want to sit at a dinner table, smiling and laughing with my family. I want to have that twinkle in my eye, that glow to my skin, that carefree demeanor that screams “I don’t give a shit about calories, I just give a shit about life.”

Being skinny doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make me friends, it doesn’t make me cooler, it doesn’t make me better at anything I do. Striving to be “skinny” just makes me unhappy and I have come to realize this more than ever.

I recently started counting calories again in order to regain some weight, and became aware of how much happier I am when I am not restricting my intake and actually eating the correct foods/amounts for my body- and by “correct” foods I don’t mean the “healthiest.” I mean the ones my body asks me for.

If I want to eat cookies and milk, or brownies, or fries and buffalo wings, I want the liberty to make those choices like I did pre-eating disorder.

I’ve done a good job at making those choices for a while now but for some reason, I have gained a new-found appreciation of this freedom I earned. I can’t express how delicious it feels (and tastes) to go to a restaurant and order whatever the hell I want regardless of calories.

I have a story: the other day when dinner came around, I had 1200 calories left in my calorie allotment. My family and I were sitting inside Red Robin, fixing to put in our orders, and I was REALLY in the mood to get buffalo wings and french fries. The only thing was… the order of buffalo wings did not contain 1200 calories, it contained 1500 calories. This was like a blaring alarm going off in my head.

In that moment when the waiter was going to take our orders, I had two choices: either order a plate of fish tacos (which I wasn’t really in the mood for) for exactly 1200 calories and meet my calorie goal exactly, or order the buffalo wings and fries (which I REALLY wanted) for 1500 calories and go over my calorie goal.

My eating disorder wanted me to order the fish tacos SO badly but I channeled the normal eater inside of me and said “fuck it. I don’t care about calories.” I ordered my buffalo wings and moved on to enjoy dinner with my family. If I had ordered the fish tacos, that would have done NOTHING to further my recovery and I probably would have spent the whole meal thinking about the buffalo wings I didn’t order. By ordering what I wanted, I felt satisfied at the end of my meal because I listened to my body. A lessoned learned: calories should not impact my decisions nor should my calorie allotment be a cage I am locked within. I can go ABOVE my calorie allotment and benefit my body, I can just never go below my goal because there are no excuses for shortchanging myself.

Speaking of shortchanging myself, my dietitian and I were looking at my records today and noticed there was a trend that every single winter since I was diagnosed with Anorexia, I have relapsed. Every. single. one.

I feel really determined to make the holiday season we are in, which is clearly a very triggering time of the year for me, a good one. I am not going to let my eating disorder take control of me this time, especially not after I have taken so many steps forward in my recovery. I have gotten dreadfully ill every single Christmas and that realization makes me sick.

Let me tell you, a relapse will NOT occur this winter. Just watch me soar above my eating disorder. Just watch me. I am a stronger person now, and I am going to put my strength to the test and help myself.

I urge you, readers, to do the same. Love yourselves and challenge yourselves. Do something good for your bodies and your lives.

Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S. Be sure to follow me on Twitter! I finally got one

SH**SAUCE.

September 8, 2011 at 9:02 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Tags: depression, arepa, biscotti, anorexia, almond butter, recovery, sandwich, carrot, sexy, inspiration, bedroom, eating disorders, french vanilla, facebook, formspring, orthorexia, obsession, blog, help, bulimia, udi's millet chia bread, reviews, labor day, redecorating, loneliness, social network, lookbook, style, vegetables, tips, cucumber, pamela's, walnut chocolate, goddess dressing, raisin, stonyfield probiotic yogurt, primal strips, texas bbq, mangosteen gummies, shitsauce

My labor day weekend was not as eventful as I presumed. I was expecting a three-day long fiesta chock-full of furniture shopping, downtown city adventures and indulgent redecorating. To a degree, this is what my weekend indeed consisted of but in reality, I was given a watered-down version of my daydream.

I’m not complaining though. I’m excited about redecorating my bedroom for the millionth time (I will show pictures later this week!) but it is kind of strange to face the weekends with the majority of my friends away at college.

Now, Fridays approach and I no longer have Cecily inviting me out to grab frozen yogurt or Charles asking me to go to dinner. The weekends are quiet right now.

I’m not going to accept this time of pseudo-loneliness as an excuse to feel sorry for myself though. I’m going to use this time to challenge myself to make new adventures, new memories, and new friends. No wasting a fresh and amazing year on pitying myself!

So far this week, I have done a lot of great things for myself. I know I have hardly blogged or “formspringed” but I feel refreshed and almost new because of it. I felt like I needed to take a breather from all social networks, Facebook in particular, in order to restore my sanity and sense of privacy. At times, all these social outlets can be overwhelming. When I am logged into Facebook, I am both surrounded by and isolated from people at the same time. I am following the lives of all these humans I either know or hardly know, and yet I feel lonely because I am only viewing their experiences, not experiencing them. I am beginning to believe that the term “Facebook Depression” is very much real and I suggest everyone partake in a miniature Facebook strike every once in a while. It will leave you revitalized.

My time away from Facebook also let me focus on fashion... check out my new Look on: http://lookbook.nu/look/2403253-Leather-and-Lace

Another good thing I have done for myself is make some necessary changes to my diet. I am a firm believer in honesty so I will admit without shame that ever since school started, my dietitian and I have slowly noticed old habits creep back into the picture and it is time to put a stop to them before they escalate to more.

My recent “habit” has been an obsession with creating the “perfect lunch.” It may sound like it is healthy but guess what, yo? It’s not.

When packing my lunches, I have felt this inner force pushing me to include, without fail, a portion of vegetables in my lunch bag- every. single. day. Even if I am not in the mood for them.

Don’t misunderstand me, please. Vegetables are GREAT and most days, I do crave them in my lunch but I should not by any means feel forced to pack them if by chance I do not want to.

In order to intuitive eat successfully, I have to listen to my body and acknowledge the foods it wants… and this includes acknowledging the foods it doesn’t want.

If I don’t want veggies with my lunch and want a granola bar or a cookie instead, why not? I’m a teenager. What is holding me back?

My goal is to resist this force that has been holding me back and put what I want in my lunch box that day. I can’t make every meal perfect because there is no such thing as perfect. I don’t want to take on that terrible habit I once struggled with and successfully moved away from again. I want to have more fun and not succumb to that “main meal with mandatory veggies” template unless I genuinely want it. Most days, yeah. I am in the mood for my usual sandwich with veggies combo but my staple is only there as a guideline. It should not have a final say in what I ultimately choose. I’m the boss. ED is shitsauce.

On to the lunches…

TuesdayTurkey, hummus, swiss cheese, and cucumber sandwich on a homemade Colombian corn and cheese arepa.On the side: Pamela’s chocolate walnut biscotti and cucumbers/tomatoes with Goddess dressing.

WednesdayAlmond butter, raisin, and carrot sandwich on Udi’s millet chia bread.A plumcot and French vanilla Stonyfield probiotic yogurt on the side

ThursdayBlack bean chips, guacamole, Texas BBQ Primal Strip (I may not be vegetarian anymore but these are still tasty), French Vanilla Stonyfield probiotic yogurt, mangosteen gummy candies, and orange juice/carrot juice blend on the side.

Anyway, I have A LOT of work to do tonight. Oh high school…. everyone have a great weekend!

Where the Flax is My Flaxin’ Coconut?

September 3, 2011 at 8:51 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments
Tags: anorexia, best, bulimia, cafeteria, campbell's vegetable soup, chocolate cream pie, eating disorder, exercises, glenny's, gluten free, granolas, HEB, help, hershey's, horizon chocolate milk, inspiration, jelly, kinnikinnick, kinnitoos, kung pao chicken, lay's limon, loaf, lunch ideas, make your own, markets, peanut butter, pucca lunchbox, ranch soy chips, recovery, reviews, sandwiches, soup, therapy, udi's millet chia

Hey you.. bringing that spoonful of unidentified soup to your lips, where is the rest of your lunch? Hm?

And what about you? Yes, I’m talking to you; watching you dip your celery stick into that cup of reduced-fat ranch. Didn’t you bring anything else to eat?

7:00 A.M. on my way out the door

Staring down at my stuffed ham & cheese sandwich and limon potato chips, I began to feel self-conscious and started questioning the food choices I felt so confident about just earlier that morning. What ever changed my mind?

As I sucked the lemon flavored residue off my finger tips, I observed the room and people around me, surveying the food my peers were lunching on.

The cartons of kung pao chicken, boxes of individual pizzas, and plastic bowls of macaroni and cheese all settled indifferently into the background. What really stood out to me were the lone cereal bars, vegetable cups, and “100 calorie packs” that I was seeing scattered about without accompaniments.

I could not help but get that all too familiar feeling where my stomach coils into one giant, tight and unforgivable knot. I had been triggered.

The temptation to toss away half of my ham sandwich- the one I had so lovingly made with my favorite Udi’s bread- was overwhelming. The room was caving in around me and the students chomping on their raw carrots in front of me blurred to a faint splash of fading water colors. All of my senses weakened and all I could hear was a muffled voice, almost a whisper, telling me to toss my meal. I knew this feeling all too well. It was ED, making his dramatic and always memorable entrance… but I seemed to be the only one to notice his presence, and I wanted it gone.

This realization immediately perked me back to attention and interrupted ED’s extravagant arrival to the lunch room. Returning to a clear and rational mind allowed me to raise questions about what had just happened. It did not take long for me to understand the reason ED had crept in momentarily though. It was as clear as the piercing retainer sitting in my left nostril: I was affected by the way a few of my peers were eating.

The competitive side of my eating disorder was stirred when I noticed these few students eating less than me on a daily basis. On the first day I gave them the benefit of the doubt assuming that they simply weren’t hungry, but when their scanty eating became an everyday event, I truly started to take notice and it struck a negative chord with me.

But then something clicked.

Who am I? I’m Karina Pinzon.
Who are they? Well, they are Sally, Suzie, Jillian, and Betty Lou… or, whatever.
Are they in recovery from an eating disorder? Uhh.. no, probably not.
Do they have the same needs that I, Karina Pinzon, do? Er- no. Everyone is different.
How do I know that they are not simply snacking at lunch because they get out of school and hit up the restaurants down the road instead? I actually don’t know that… you have a point. They may eat something the second they get out school that makes up for their scanty eating.

Questioning my irrational thoughts really put things in perspective for me. I should not allow the eating habits of others affect me because the truth is, I do not know what they eat or do outside of school. I do not know what their lifestyle choices outside of the lunch room are. I do not know whether or not they are having a full meal when the last bell rings, and I do not know what they eat before they arrive at school either. I do not know the facts behind these people’s lives so how would it be fair for me to compare myself to them?

I am an individual. To restrict my diet and hurt myself because of somebody else’s choices is frankly, stupid. I would be short-changing myself in the biggest way by damaging all my progress over what someone else does. Right then and there, I looked those vegetable chompers and soup sippers straight in the eye and took a tremendous bite out of my sandwich. I know they meant no harm nor had any clue of how their eating affected me but- I wanted to show them I was stronger.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - - – - – - – - – - – - – - - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

On another note, something really flippin’ awesome happened to me yesterday…

Udi’s sent me 2 loaves of millet chia bread for free!

Now, before you get jealous, let me explain. Remember how in my one of my recent posts I posted a picture of my extra-terrestrial slice of mold populated horror story monster movie bread? Well, Udi’s saw my post and offered to send me a replacement loaf for free! I was already impressed with how much they cared about their customers but when I received not one, but two loaves, my love for the company blew up to the size of a hot air balloon. It is so amazing to find a company that, like I said, cares SO much about their customers. They truly are an amazing food company and I personally think they make some of the best Gluten-free products out there. LETS ALL CLAP FOR UDI’S. YEAH!?

Anyway, the past three days have been insanely crazy hence the lack of posting. How am I expected to focus on college applications (and blogging ) if I am assigned a metric shitload of school work? HELLOOO!? *sigh* Here are my past three days of lunches…

W E D N E S D A YCampbell’s Southwestern-style Vegetable soup, Glenny’s ranch soy chips, and….Cookies! I packed 4 chocolate creme KinniToos.All inside my Pucca lunch box.

T H U R S D A YPeanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich…accompanied by a plumcot and carrots….and some utterly delicious chocolate milk.

Another noteworthy food worth mentioning was this chocolate cream pie I had at Target after school let out…Why is pie so delicious?

F R I D A YI used what was left of my Udi’s millet chia bread (luckily I got my wonderful package from Udi’s yesterday so I don’t have to travel 50 minutes just to get some more.. seriously, I am so thankful) and made a ham, swiss cheese, spicy mayo, asparagus, and roasted red pepper sandwich.I brought Lay’s Limon potato chips on the side.

I went to the grocery store with my mother after school and there was a freakin’ “create your own granola” bar (you grab their granola base and choose your mix ins) in the middle of my local super market. SO random. I would expect that at a place like Whole Foods or someplace fancier but… H-E-B? Interesting! I caved and made two granolas:

I’m going to call this “Pumpking Some Chocolate.” (Get? Like, pumping gas… only pumpking chocolate… hah. hah..) It is made with the granola base mixed with chocolate chips, raisins, and pumpkin seeds.

And I’m going to call this one “Where the Flax is My Flaxin’ Coconut?” This one consists of the granola base with yogurt covered raisins, peanut butter chips, shredded coconut, and flax seeds.

Okay. So my granolas are more desserty than anything but whatever. Who said I can’t eat chocolate and peanut butter chips at breakfast? I don’t hear anyone protesting.

Today is Saturday and I plan on doing a whole lot of homework and a whole lot of bedroom redecorating. Yes. I am changing my bedroom furniture and walls for the millionth time so I’m going to go eat breakfast and get started with my day. Thank God it is a three-day weekend! Everyone enjoy their labor day