I am a real person.

May 14, 2012 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: hummus, food, anorexia, karina pinzon, eating disorder, recovery, applegate farms, formspring, gluten free, blog, help, bulimia, mental, instagram, sabra, ajapanesekitten, binging, purging, salami, genoa, mood swings, illnesses, lettuce, salad, dressing, blueberry, lemon, scones, cloves, baking

My mood swings frighten me.

My mind feels raw, bare, and vulnerable- susceptible to any influences that cross it.

The true me lies in the core of my mind; she’s happy, wild and free, always ready to embark on an adventure and experience new things. This core is vulnerable though, and like a child fearful of monsters in his closet, I shield my core beneath a blanket- a heavy suffocating blanket.

I think I’m afraid to feel anything real, even happiness: the state of being I’ve fought over for years. If I crave happiness so badly, why then do I continue to cower from it, merely dipping my toes into when I’m given the chance? Why can’t I just take the plunge?

Because with happiness comes tragedy.

Without sadness and disappointment, happiness cannot exist. Without negativity, positivity holds no place. In a world without opposites, there can by no true feelings because all emotions are the same. There is nothing to foil, nothing to compare.

I’m so horrified to face true life that I revert to compulsions, eating disorder related or not, to distract myself…. to numb myself from reality- whatever that may be.

What is my reality? Who exactly am I and why am I so afraid to be this mystery person 100% of the time? I don’t have the answer to these questions, and for that reason I continue to go to therapy.

I want to learn how to face my life and stop immersing myself in sickness and depression to run away. Being sick, sad, and babied to the point where I need to be taken care of helps me escape. In my subconscious, if I can focus on my illness, my self-pity and my patheticness, I can forget the world around me and avoid being present.

The realization of the way my mind works disgust me! How can I do this to myself time and time again? How can I allow myself to succumb to depression just because it makes me feel empty and numb? I should not desire emptiness, but I do, whether it be physical or mental.

When I’m empty, I do not feel sad. I do not feel disappointed, or afraid, or nervous. At the same time though, I also do not feel happy or proud, excited or peaceful. I just feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

That is no way to live! It’s okay to feel! And because of common sense, I am aware of this. I just need to work on learning to accept human emotions- both the “good” and the “bad.”

I don’t know a sure fire shortcut straight to healthy coping mechanisms, but I’m going to work at reaching them. Recovery requires continuous, vigorous effort. Just because you’ve make progress in the food and weight areas of eating disorder recovery does not mean that the labor is over. Eating disorders are complex illnesses constructed of deeper issues, which are personal to every suffering individual. It is the process of tackling these specific deeper issues after weight restoration that paves the road to full recovery. If these issues are not ever confronted, falling back into old coping mechanisms (starving, binging, purging) is difficult to avoid. And these harmful coping mechanisms always hold us back.

I know I say this repeatedly but I’m so tired of dreaming.

I’m so tired of settling for the vacancy that is my being.

I want to do things. I want to be present.

I realize that I’ve always spontaneously returned to my blog on various occasions, each time sharing my happiness at being “almost recovered,” only to face my sickness yet again and for that instability, I apologize. I promise that I come here to share my “almost recovery” experiences and then take them back not because I’m trying to fool you guys, but because in those time periods, I legitimately FEEL “almost recovered.” With every inch of progress I make, however, I realize how much more I can improve, how much farther I can move and then I’m just left unsatisfied… and unhappy.

What is worse is when my readers send me disappointed messages saying things like, “I thought you were already recovered, how could you lie on your blog?” or “You said you were at a healthy weight and had no eating disorder thoughts. You are a fake!”

Those messages hurt me and chase me away from the internet.

I NEVER lie to my readers. I am nothing but honest with my experiences as they come and I swear that what I write on this website is what I feel, but I can’t help it if what I feel at times is a manifestation of the problems that ultimately make me deeply unhappy.

The most I can guarantee you from my blog, 100% manifestation free, is the diary of an 18 year old girl going through a drawn out process to get a life. There are ups and downs, there are discrepancies, there are realizations and epiphanies, there are tears and laughter, but most importantly… there is reality.

And my reality is all I can give you.

Sincerely,
a real person.

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On another note, I’ve had people request shots of food so I’m going to give the people what they want!

I baked blueberry lemon scones today. Depending on how much my family and I enjoy them, I will share the recipe here sometime this week.

For dinner this evening, I had a fresh salad of iceberg lettuce, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers, olives, and orange cranberry dressing.I coupled my salad with a baked sweet potato and stir-fried shredded beef.

I also jumped ahead and made tomorrow’s school lunch! I don’t have time to pack a lunch in the mornings so I always put it together the night before. Applegate Farms Genoa salami slices, sliced cucumber, fresh strawberries, Sabra hummus, and a homemade almond flour butter biscuit.

I hope that today’s post gave somewhat of a glimpse of what I’m going through. I’m really confused with my emotions and my mind. To those who follow my Formspring, I should be back to answering Formspring questions soon.

Take care, everyone.

P.S. If you use Instagram, follow me (username: ajapanesekitten). I’m addicted.

Not “The Girl-Next-Door”

December 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments
Tags: anorexia, applegate farms, awkward, blog, burger bun, calories, chicken burger, colombiana soda, confidence, flaws, heinz, high fat, ideal girl, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, perfect, pretty, recovery, reviews, self esteem, self hate, skinny, sweet relish, udi's gluten free, victorias secret, weight gain

I’m a really strange person.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the kind of strange that cannot be kept a secret. Everyone must know about it- and if they don’t know about it, they must at least be suspicious of it.

There are days, seemingly chosen at random, where I embrace it and feel (dare I say it?) proud of my “weirdness” but then there are other days where I entirely abhor it and pray that I’ll wake up the next morning as the textbook example of “a perfect female”….. whatever that may be.

The reason this topic is etched in my mind is because lately, I have taken a burning interest in boys again; and with this interest comes raging hormones and with those raging hormones comes the self-conscious awkwardness experienced by preteens. Yes, I find myself back in the age of gawky self-doubt where one questions whether anyone of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you.

I look in the mirror and feel that my nose is too crooked, my ears to stuck out, my hair far too flat and my skin way too splotched.

I reflect on my persona and feel that my hobbies are too unrelatable, my interests too obscure and my humor beyond what is proper for a lady.

In my mind, all I hear is “too much this” or “too much that.”
What exactly am I measuring myself to?

When I truly analyze it, I think I am comparing myself to the “ideal girl” society has created for us. My interpretation of who I’ve been told the “ideal girl” is goes as follows:

IDEAL GIRL
Name: Ideal Girl
Height: Taller than most girls, shorter than most guys
Weight: Thinnest girl in the room
Looks: A down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model
Personality: Prim and proper, smily all the time, feminine, soft and giggly, tells funny yet appropriate jokes, gets along with everybody, charming , yada yada yada

Ugh! I can’t be that girl!

My name is not anywhere close to “Ideal Girl,” my name happens to be Karina Pinzon. I’m shorter than a lot of girls and sometimes even taller than a few guys because guess what? PEOPLE COME IN ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE SIZES. And my weight? Ever since I’ve gotten closer to being recovered from my eating disorder, I’m no longer always the thinnest girl in the room. There are now several girls thinner than me and that is OK. I am healthy and best of all, no longer at risk of dying of heart failure at the age of 18. Concerns like THAT are strange and sad.

Continuing to compare myself to Ms. “Ideal Girl,” I also sure as flipping-ass hell do not look like a “down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model.” I have never ever been the girl next door. In fact, I’m more like the girl who lives in the abandoned house down the street with rotting oak trees and flourescent unicorn ornaments on her lawn.

I’m also far from giggly and appropriate. When I laugh, I cackle and when I tell a joke, you better believe it’s a dirty one. I’m not an “ideal girl” and you know what? Even though I want to crawl under a rock because of the things I say and do in public sometimes, I like being unique and I like being weird. I like being me.

I take a look at the other girls around me, who go through boys like they do underwear during that time of the month, and I wonder “HOW do you find ‘boy toys’ so easily!? How do you find boys that you not only like but that also LIKE YOU BACK?”

Maybe I will never know. All I know is that I am never going to find a mutual love interest unless the love I have with myself is mutual.

My body may love me now because I am giving it what it needs to be healthy and strong, but… I have to love it back.

I have to appreciate, thank it, adore it for allowing me to DO the things that make me the “strange” and “unique” person I am. Without my body in tip-top health, I wouldn’t be able act upon my “weirdo” tendencies. I would just be another drone, ebbing and falling through the turbulent waves of life- not really enjoying anything. I’ve been in that position before and I don’t want to be there again.

I want to live my life, being WEIRDAZFUCK, and like it.

If I meet a boy, great.
If I don’t, fabulous.

Either way, I’m going to be happy.

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A memorable meal….

A mozzarella, tomato, mayonnaise, spicy mustard and breaded chicken burger sandwich on Udi’s GF burger bun with Heinz sweet relish and sweet potato fries! This was perfect with a glass of Colombiana soda.

I should probably go study for the precalculus exam I am inevitably going to fail tomorrow. Take care, everyone!

Click to connect with me:
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Fashion, Oats, and Stephen Kings

May 31, 2009 at 10:41 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 15 Comments
Tags: abercrombie, amsterdam, anorexia, apple crisp, applegate farms, apricots, art, cam gigandet, carrots, cheese, demi lovato, ezekiel, gardenburger, goat cheese, hummus, kidney beans, larabar, legumes, meat, oatmeal, rachel's yogurts, red robin, robert patinson, stephen king, sunflower seeds, twilight, whole meal

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

May 30, 2009

Happy Saturday, everyone! After eating a bowl of cereal pretty much every day this week, I wanted to try out something different for breakfast that was fit for a Saturday. I thought about it long and hard (while I struggled to get out of bed) and decided upon making a “Breakfast Apple Crisp.” Not only was it delicious, but it was super easy to make. All I did was slice up an apple into fairly large chunks and popped the pieces into the microwave until they steamed a bit and then poured a Brown Cow vanilla cream top over them. Then, I added a 1/4 c. of Ezekiel Golden Flax cereal and 10g of walnuts with a hearty sprinkling of cinnamon.

I’ve decided that I’d like to start having more fun with my posts and incorporate other aspects of myself into them, because slowly, food is becoming less of a main focus in my life and this makes me happy, because one of my goals is to quit obsessing over food so much and just think about it like a normal person does. There is more to me than my eating disorder.

Here is some art that I’ve done recently, I may have already shared one or two of my drawings with you guys but I really felt like sharing I don’t take my paintings very seriously, I typically just pull out a canvas or an old record and just put whatever I am feeling onto it, whether it be silly (most common!) or serious or angry, etc.

Some of my Random Art:

And here is the wall collage I plan on finishing this summer, which I consider to be art:I love the color it adds to my room!

After breakfast, I introduced some exercise back into my life once I received my dietitian’s approval. I felt ALIVE and well as I did my Cindy Crawford 90′s exercise video. Cindy Crawford is such a babe, I’m jealous! And she was a very healthy and curvy model, absolutely beautiful. She’s my new celebrity role model!If more models still looked healthy like this, less women would be suffering from Eating Disorders.

I went down for a snack not too long after my work out and witnessed the most precious thing I have ever seen: My dog and my cat were sleeping in the same bed together. AAW! I never thought I’d live to see the day that the two made peace because Cosmo (my dog) is always pissed off at Sanura for slapping/abusing him. My cat has no respect for her elders.My snack was a 1/4 c. of hummus and carrots.

I went to get ready for a trip to the Galleria (AKA the only place in the world that can make me happy no matter what) and since that mall is so chic, naturally I had to pick out a chic outfit!My stylish granny bought that lace top for me a little ago and I love it. I layered it over a blue flowered Abercrombie tank this time instead of the usual plain white tank. I was feeling bold!

My family went to Red Robin for lunch and I had that really bad ass Apple Harvest Chicken salad they serve. YUM X 2910482096!

Ok, so sadly, my trip to the Galleria wasn’t as glamorous as I hoped it would be. Instead of boutiquing, my mom had to go to Macy’s to buy some things and we spent an entire hour and 30 minutes in the jewelry department. For some reason, the lighting in department stores makes me sick so I ended up having to tell my mom that I couldn’t do it anymore and felt like nearly passing out. Blech. I also tried on a pair of pants… that didn’t fit me. ARGH! I can’t let my ED let that bother me though, because you know what? All pants are different and fit differently. ED’s are always trying to make us upset about things that aren’t worth it!

I had an apricot and a Cocoa Mole Larabar while I was at the mall. I really liked this one! I kept making faces while I ate it though because I was savoring it and analyzing the flavor. It was so intense.Mmmm… my beloved giant purse!

Lost in my thoughts on the way from the Galleria, I realized that I wanted to start reading books again. Stephen Kings to be exact. As you have all probably come to realize, I am fascinated by every aspect of the horror genre and watch a new horror film just about every night. I also LOVE watching movies based on King’s stories, so I figured, if I enjoy watching the movies… why not read the books the films are based on? I’m so excited to get lost in his macabre stories! In celebration of my new summer task, I asked my mom to rent Pet Sematary, which I remember watching a couple of years ago on the morning we were going to be leaving for Europe over winter break. Good times.

I got hungry at around 9:00 PM and made myself a turkey and mozarella grilled cheese sandwich on whole meal bread with a glass of milk chocolate CIS. George Foreman is a true man! <3

While my mom headed back out to the mall to finish her Macy’s shopping, I just hung about the house and talked on AIM with my friend Charles for a bit. I’ve known him since the 6th grade, when we became best friends, and I haven’t seen him in a while. It is sad how friendships grow apart, especially meaningful friendships like this one. Luckily, our friendship has always stayed strong even if when we stop talking for weeks at a time. I think that is how you can truly test a friendship… things come up in people’s lives and it really takes a true friend to be understanding of that. “Fluff” friends just aren’t worth keeping around.

I watched Pet Sematary with my mom while I snacked on a yummy mixture of Oikos, Peanut Butter, and 2 dates, which I didn’t take a picture of due to the nasty unnatractiveness of the bowl’s contents. I called it a night after the film!

May 31, 2009

Yo. It is Sunday, my least favorite day of the week but I am not going to let that put a damper on my day! My family is hosting a barbeque tonight so that should be exciting. I do not fear my mother’s food for it was probably the only thing that kept me alive throughout the course of my ED restriction in the past. I probably would have met rock bottom much earlier if it wouldn’t have been for her delicious dinners, since they used to be my only real meal of the day. Anyways, I was inspired by Pistachios and Rainbows‘ Saturday breakfast, so I let my oats soak overnight in Rachel’s Exotic Mango Pineapple Passion Fruit flavored yogurt and then topped the yummy combo with sunflower seeds, dried apricots, and a squirt of lemon juice.

Sorry if this is a bit personal, but I had a dream last night that I got my period. I felt so happy and relieved, and I remember excitedly shouting at my mom from the bathroom: “I’m healthy, mom! I’m okay now!” I was really dissapointed when I woke up this morning and realized that it wasn’t true and that it was all just a dream. I’m going to work toward making that dream a reality though and never give up!

El lonche was mucho complicated because… there was like, no food in the house! I had to make the most of what I did have though so I took out 2 Gardenburger patties and 2 slices of whole wheat bread with a slice of veggie cheddar cheese and made a sandwich out of that. Then, I put the sandwich in my Foreman grill and slathered hummus inside of it. On the side, I had 2 chicken & sage breakfast sausages. Yum yum!I wish Gardenburgers weren’t so ugly That is so shallow of me! Hah.

I had to work on a newspaper story after lunch and it took me 23958290386 hours. Luckily, my parents saved me by inviting me for a swim in our backyard. Woohoo! Unfortunately, I could barely move today thanks to yesterday’s work out. I am so sore that it hurts to even sit! I somehow managed in the pool, though. But when I got out, I was HUNGRY. I almost went on a food rampage but I had to control myself because my mom wasn’t done grilling the meat so I had a little apricot in the mean time

But when dinner WAS ready, the rampaging began! I had a cup of kidney beans, topped with 4 oz. of grilled beef , cashews, carrots, and a tortilla on the side.

Look! I am Demi Lovato!Bahahaha, ok, that was today’s pointless picture of the day.

I’m going to go watch the MTV Movie Awards with Francesca before I publish this post and then I’ll come back and write my opinions on it. Shia Labeouf is such a churro! I want him. Cam Gigandet and Robert Pattinson are cool in my sexy book too I have thought Robert was a babe since his Chamber of Secret days. British accents are so cute! I am actually absolutely obsessed with the UK culture. I remember spending a spring break in England when I was 9 and it was just beautiful. Europe in general is a fascinating country. Can someone say Amsterdam?I remember walking down that street.

MTV Movie Awards

The only opinion I really have about tonight’s winners involve the mass amount of Twilight awards. Yes, it was a cute movie but I’m sorry, the acting was horrendous! I understand that Robert is a very attractive guy and that the cast is beautiful, but shouldn’t the awards be taken more seriously? A person should not vote for a movie because the cast is full of eye candy, because beautiful people don’t make a movie. Talented people do. I not only think that the attractiveness of the cast affected its success, but also the fact that the book was AWESOME! But these weren’t the MTV Literature Awards… they were the MTV MOVIE Awards, and I think people forgot this when they were voting. This is just my opinion, I’m sorry if I offended any hard core Twilight movie fans! Anyways, I think Kristen Stewart looked very pretty but was obviously stoned. She was fidgety, her eyes were glazed over, she wouldn’t look anyone in the eyes, and she dropped her award.. I know that could have just been an accident that could happen to anyone but all the other signs she was showing pretty much proved that it was more than just an accident! But aside from my thoughts on Twilight, I think that Jim Carrey’s speech was so funny and clever! He is a great comedian

Alright dears, I’m going to call it a night. I’ll probably just have some fruit right after Fran leaves since I am not very hungry tonight, which is very odd for me since I am usually ravenous at night! Perhaps this is because of my MASSIVE dinner. That was quite the feast! Goodnight everyone and I hope everyone had a lovely and restful weekend.