Like Some Cat from Japan

Reunited

The Sunday before Valentines Day was a blast…I hosted a party for the girls at my ballet studio! It was so nice to see everyone after what felt like such a long time.People danced…People ate…
And guess what!? I had a whole slice of cheesecake! Yep, I ate cake at my own party…. the way it SHOULD be! I had half a slice of White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake and half a slice of Vanilla Bean cheesecake. Before the party, ED had set some ground rules regarding the desserts. ED said I could only have half a slice of one type of cheesecake with my tea for dessert because of all the other “challenge” foods I was going to have that day: croissant sandwich, chips, sour cream ranch vegetable dip, etc. Well, ED was in for a surprise whenever tea time came along and I defied him by having TWO halves of cheesecake! The best part was that I didn’t have the extra half slice of cheesecake because I felt I had to. Nope! I had it because I WANTED it… and it felt so flippin’ good to do what KARINA wanted for once. I really kicked ED in the arse that day.For the first time, I fit in at my own party and I had fun. Food wasn’t the focus. It was about the people. Based on what a successful weekend I’d had, I figured the upcoming week was going to start off just as well.
But then the evening of Monday, February 14th, came.
And my expectations of two of the few people I could count on were shattered.

I went on an outing with some friends that Monday night and the evening concluded with myself screaming and crying on my bed, begging for the world to take my life (it was clearly ED speaking). My friends screwed me over and lied to me about plans and I was forced into challenging my Eating Disorder in a way I was not ready for. I can not get into details due to privacy issues because the people involved do not know that I am hurt with them nor do they know that I was deeply affected by what they did to me. I know I should be honest with them but I’m just too embarrassed to let them know what they did was very hurtful. I thought my friends somewhat understood my illness and were at least going to be sensitive about it but I was wrong. They forced me into going way too far out of my comfort zone and it did more harm than good. When they did what they did to me on Monday, I was shattered and I felt so alone.

It is because of this that I don’t have one of my usual, creatively written posts written up. I was too upset and disheartened to feel inspired to write. I’ve had a really difficult week but I’ve remained strong enough to move on from everything and continue to challenge myself in amazing ways. Even after the comment my mom’s friend made last night (“Wow, Karina is already looking fatter to me!”), I have still managed to keep going. Sure, I’ve been depressed, hurt, and ED has been torturing me all week but guess what? I’ve been torturing him too.

I’d like to share with you all some of the highlights of these past several days because even though it has been an emotionally exhausting week, there have been some beautiful moments where I have separated myself from ED and felt more carefree than ever:

Friday, February 11

Reuniting with old favorites is one of the most rewarding and important parts of recovering from an Eating Disorder.The Friday before Valentines Day, I was reunited with the gourmet popcorn that the clubs at my school sell for fundraising purposes. Pre-ED, I used to munch on this popcorn nonstop when it was available over special holidays (Halloween, Christmas, Valentines Day, etc.) just like everyone else. It had been three years since I allowed myself to eat this popcorn but this Valentine’s Day season, I had it. I had a bag of vanilla sugar flavored Deanan Gourmet popcorn and it was so damn good. That same night, I ate at the Cheesecake Factory and shared the Roasted Pepper and Goat Cheese pizza with my mom. Yes, I ate REAL, NORMAL, NON-DIET, NON-FROZEN ACTUAL RESTAURANT PIZZA!

Saturday, February 12

The morning after my Cheesecake Factory adventure, I made stuffed french toast. I made the toast on Ezekiel cinnamon raisin bread and stuffed it with cream cheese, pineapple jam, and cinnamon. I then soaked the cream cheese sandwich in a honey & 2 egg mixture and grilled it in Smart Balance. After the french toast was cooked, I topped it with maple syrup and cinnamon and served it with an apple and coffee with French vanilla creamer!

Later that afternoon, I ate at Which Wich? with my mom, which is a sandwich place I’ve always wanted to try!I ordered the “Caprese” sandwich (mozarella, pesto, & tomato) on wheat bread with mustard, pickles, caramelized onions, bell peppers, pepperoncinis, and mushrooms. I ate a bag of Miss Vickie’s jalapeño potato chips on the side.

Sunday, February 13

The morning of the Valentine’s Day party, I was feeling nostalgic. I had a bowl of cinnamon cocoa oats with an apple, coffee with French vanilla creamer, and….. STRAWBERRY & CREAM CHEESE TOASTER STRUDEL! When I bit into the flaky, tender pastry of the strudel and felt the strawberry filling ooze between my teeth, I felt so normal. It was such a rewarding moment and brought back memories of when I was a child. From the ages of 7-14, the only breakfast item I would eat for breakfast was strawberry & cream cheese Toaster Strudel. Reverting back to the food I ate when I was carefree felt amazing.

Monday, February 14

The afternoon of Valentine’s Day, I had this delicious warm sandwich that consisted of German whole grain rye bread, peppadews, goat cheese, peppered Tofurky deli slices, spinach, and leftover veggie Ranch dip from the party grilled in Smart Balance. On the side, I had green beans and a side of Original Lays potato chips.

For a snack that day, I had a jumbo butter croissant spread with Smart Balance and raspberry preserves. This was my first croissant in almost four years. Croissants have always been one of my favorite foods and I am so relieved that they are back in my life and no longer off limits. Screw you, ED. I’m in charge of what I eat now.

Tuesday, February 15

The next day, I made a large salad for lunch. This, however, was no puny salad. The salad was made up of spinach, greens, carrots, tomatoes, olive oil marinated artichokes, pickled beets, and peppadews with Nature Valley bleu cheese dressing, a grilled and sliced Falafel Sunshine burger, and crumbled goat cheese.

Wednesday, February 16

Before I saw my dietitian on Wednesday for my weekly weigh-in, I had a delicious croissant sandwich. I stuffed a large croissant with peppered Tofurky deli slices, mozzarella cheese, spinach, and tomatoes and then toasted the sandwich until the cheese was oozing and the croissant was crisped to perfection. I served the sandwich with a side of pinto beans.

After I met with my dietitian, I was met with the news that it was time to reunite with another source of previous nourishment: Boost and Ensure Plus. I met the news calmly and with a positive attitude because I know that it is good for my body <3

Thursday, February 17

For lunch on Thursday, I made another one of my staple grilled sandwiches: mozzarella cheese, hickory smoked Tofurky deli slices, mango chutney, and lettuce sandwiched between German rye bread and grilled in Smart Balance. On the side, I had steamed green beans and lentils.

That evening I had a baked sweet potato topped with Smart Balance with a side of spicy tempeh grilled in olive oil, and a side salad with pickled beets, croutons, and olive oil with balsamic vinegar. After dinner I had a homemade brownie…. but not just any homemade brownie. I had one of the fudge brownies my mom used to make for me all the time throughout my childhood… the same brownies I stopped eating thanks to ED. This Thursday, I was reunited with that childhood favorite and I couldn’t be happier to have my mom’s fudge brownies back in my life. We have a whole batch for the rest of the week

Friday, February 18

On Friday morning, I broke my great fear of eating low-fiber foods for breakfast and kicked ED not only in the ass… but also in the balls. I didn’t get a picture because it was a weekday morning but I had a toasted mozzarella and tomato sandwich on a large croissant with mixed berries and pineapple! It was so good and I felt awesome spiting ED like that and eating was I wanted. And I wanted a croissant.

Lunch when I got home from school was a cream cheese, almond butter, pistachio kernels, and pineapple preserves sandwich on German rye bread grilled in Smart Balance. I had black bean chips and green beans with olive oil on the side.

That same night, my family and I ate at the Macaroni Grill where I had a bowl of spaghetti Pomodoro topped with parmesan along with a side salad. I’m usually not a big fan of spaghetti, but I was craving it that night and I felt like challenging ED, who was freaking out about the fact that his slave was eating white pasta. I shut ED up by reminding myself that this bowl of pasta is what my body needs (and wants!).

Saturday, February 19

Bagels used to be an all-time favorite food of mine. If I wasn’t having them with cream cheese or peanut butter back in the day, I was eating them totally plain. I stopped eating regular bagels when my Eating Disorder began to develop and the last time I can remember having a real, chewy fresh bakery bagel was in the summer of 2008. Well, on February 19, 2011, I had a real fresh bakery bagel again for the first time since that summer. Sweet, chewy nostalgia! I spread cream cheese over my bagel and had a sunny side up egg, a bowl of fruit, yogurt, & granola (not pictured), and coffee on the side.

Sunday, February 20

Sunday was one of the best days I’ve ever had since ED came along and took over my life.My family and I went to La Madeleine for brunch and I had a lot of mixed emotions going through my mind. I was afraid because I had not eaten breakfast out since the summer of 2008 but at the same time, I was thrilled to be doing something my family and I would do every Sunday when I was healthy and normal. I wanted to channel that girl I was three years ago and enjoy my morning, free of ED. I worked up the courage and felt strong enough to order what I wanted and not what ED wanted. What Karina felt like having that day was stuffed french toast with real maple syrup, a large yogurt muesli parfait, and coffee.Sweet, creamy, toasty perfection.

After brunch, we went to the park where I channeled my inner child. (please excuse my father’s finger. He does not know how to use the camera on Blackberry smart-phones)

We then headed to the movies to watch “Big Mamas: Like Father, Like Son” which was pretty funny.Speaking of funny…Hah! What a beauty, right?

Soon after the movies it was snack time…And I challenged my fear of smoothies! I had the chocolate Hulk weight gain smoothie from Smoothie King which is made with butter pecan ice cream, weight gain mix, milk, soy protein, carbohydrate mix, wheat germ, and honey. I’ve always wanted to try this smoothie because I had heard that it was amazing and tasted just like a milkshake but I had always cowered in fear of it because of the calories. Well, not anymore! This week, I also reunited with a food very sentimental to me…My mom’s homemade blueberry muffins!
My mom used to make these almost every Saturday for breakfast and I had not eaten them in FOUR years. FOUR YEARS! I remember how heartbroken she looked the first day I turned down one of her muffins. It was such a tradition that I ruined thanks to ED because that asshole said they were too high-calorie for me and I believed him. Well, guess what, ED? That is a load of bollocks! I had two of her muffins as snacks this weekend

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I know that recovery is about ourselves and our own journey, but seeing the way loved ones react when they see us acting normal again is so beautiful. It was so rewarding to see my family smiling again and to be able to smile along with them. Even though each and every one of the challenges I shared above were horrifying and very scary, they were so worth it in the end and the feeling I felt after each and every one of them was so blissful. Being able to connect with my family over food instead of shunning it was so special. Being ill with ED has become so normal to me that whenever I act like a normal kid, it feels so fresh and different. I want to feel this way all the time. I want to feel alive like this all the time!

I know I will some day. It will just take a lot of work and determination. I know I’ve got what it takes though and all of you do as well. Keep going strong and please remember the importance of challenging yourself and reuniting yourself with the foods and people you loved so much pre-ED. There is a life without ED… there IS!

I had the pleasure of catching glimpses of it this weekend. I challenge you to go catch a glimpse of your own