Hapi Djus

April 25, 2010 at 9:00 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 19 Comments
Tags: anorexia, ballet, bmi, eating disorders, ED, facebook, formspring, happiness, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, myspace, raynaud's disease, recovery, too skinny, underweight dangers

Hi.

I’m really happy!

I’m sure by now that all of my readers are aggravated at me and either
A. think I’m a flake.
B. think I’ve passed away.
C. think I’m a really big flake.

I am truly hopeful, however, that you all love me enough to forgive me and understand that I am not an unreliable person who agrees to do something, and never follows through! Honest to blog!

Seriously though, all modern idiom and movie references aside, I apologize for vanishing without letting you all know in advance. As a veteran wizard, it is hard for me to remember that I must notify people before vanishing. It’s just that since my last post, where I complained about the woes with doctors, I have been up to my neck in medical appointments, venturing to find out what my problem is! Why the cobwebs in my head? Why the constant state of malaise? Why the dizziness? Why the bowel symptoms? Why the purple toes and limbs?

Well, friends, all my questions have been answered.

I finally found three doctors who were able to look past my eating disorder and do what they were meant to do: hunt for what is wrong with their patient. These amazing humans actually listened to my symptoms and administered tests according to what they heard. I felt like they wanted to help me and like they considered me a real person with real problems, and that’s all I had wanted all along.

Diagnosis #1
Q: The cobwebs, the malaise, the bowel symptoms, the dizziness?
A: For the amount of exercise I do, I was not eating enough and my weight is still too low.

Okay. So it was what Smart Doctor Exhibit A had said and I accept that. Why? Because at least the three doctors who gave me that same diagnosis looked past my disorder and examined me as a naked human being, free of stereotypes and prejudice. They actually looked at me, tested me, and came to an educated conclusion like true honorable doctors. That not only puts me at peace, but my family at peace.

Diagnosis #2
Q: Why the purple toes and limbs?
A: Raynaud’s disease, which I’m being sent to a rheumatologist for

As for the first diagnosis, the issue is already resolved. Since I added more food to my intake, I’ve become a mini orb of energy and I’m content to say that I have dedicated myself heavily to my passion again:

Yep! I have the energy to dance again! I am currently taking classes every day except on Thursdays and Sundays.
Mondays: Pointe class
Tuesdays: Standard class
Wednesdays: 1 pointe class, 1 standard class
Fridays: 1 pointe classes, 2 standard classes
Saturday: Full company day
This schedule is not including rehearsals which means that on some days I’m at the studio for up to 6 hours… now do you see why I don’t have time for anything except maybe a very petite social life!?

Though this lack of social life and free time may sound taxing to some, it a pleasure to me… because I am doing what I love. I may have been ashamed to share this fact with the world before, but I’ve really rediscovered myself since the last time I blogged. I want to become a professional ballerina when I grow up and I know I can do it. I will have to work my little ballerina butt off to make up for lost time, but I can do it. I believe in myself.

At the moment, I am further away from ED than I ever have been since he entered my life. I am living my life in peace. Sure, he occasionally knocks on my door late at night or drops me a few calls every now and then but he is no longer a constant in my life.
I feel so alive!

So I can tell you guys right now, I want to take an official break from blogging. Not only because I don’t have the time anymore, but because I want to enjoy this newfound lack of focus on food. Food is no longer my obsession and I don’t want to be immersed in it anymore! Sometimes I feel like blogging has played a small part in keeping ED by my side. As some readers may know, with anorexia, although the sufferer is not eating the food, they seem to be immersed in food: baking it, cooking it, smelling & looking at foods they don’t eat, thinking about them, etc. Shouldn’t food blogging fall under this category…?

I do want to return to blogging. Hopefully very soon! But I want to continue to rediscover myself- Karina Pinzon- for now and then I’ll come back. I just can’t let this opportunity slip away. I am more me than I have been in a long time and you know what? I like myself .

That being said, although I want a break from blogging, I don’t want a break from you guys and inspiring others. I still want to help people with their own recovery, because I want everyone with an ED to have the chance to taste the beautiful side of recovery and experience what I’m experiencing right now. Really guys, I know several stages of recovery are ugly, dark, and frightening… but there are bright, euphonious sides to it as well. So please please please, if you’d like any advice, tips, support, or just want to have a chat or ask me a question, feel free to email, Facebook, Myspace, or formspring me. I would be more than happy to talk to you guys. You’ve always been there to support me, so I want to be here to support you. <3

Hugs and kisses and I wish you all the best! Be happy and love yourselves.

I Dare You.

January 13, 2010 at 5:14 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 37 Comments
Tags: beautiful blogger award, chili, cinnamon rolls, desserts, eating disorders, freshberry frozen yogurt, hazelnut, indulgence, karina pinzon, kefir, like some cat from japan, nutella, peanut butter nutella cake, staying healthy, tasty health food

I dare you to challenge yourself.
I dare you to challenge yourself to treat yourself.
Yep. I am daring you to bring pleasure, sweet indulgence, and self-gratification upon yourself, ignoring whatever protesting demon it is that lies inside your head.

If you have a full-time job: you deserve a treat for all those hours you commit to making a living doing what you love (or hate).
If you are a student: you deserve a treat for putting up with unfair professors, uncivil classmates, and those long hours spent on your history project the night right before it’s due.
If you are a mother or a father: you deserve a treat for experiencing childbirth, the 3 A.M. bottle feeds, and retaining your sanity during the psychotic period of adolescence.
If you are recovering from an eating disorder: you deserve a treat for the fact that you have accepted that you have a problem, realized that you can not live life to the fullest with an ED, and are doing something about it. That takes a lot of character.

Like I said in my post yesterday, everything in moderation is fine and indulging in a dessert now and then is perfectly healthy! So go ahead, dig into that chocolate cake you’ve been eyeing at your local bakery or serve yourself a nice bowl of ice cream with your favorite toppings! Or you could have a slice of the delicious cake recipe I am about to share with you for Peanut Butter Nutella Cake.

This moist, whole wheat cake brings the familiar taste of peanut butter and fuses it with the velvety taste of Nutella. The results are sumptuous. Serve it frosted with extra peanut butter and Nutella for added flavor as a treat with coffee or tea, an after dinner dessert or a sweet yet filling breakfast!

Preheat oven: 375F
Bake: 30 minutes

Instructions:
2 c. whole wheat flour
1 c. packed brown sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 c. 2% milk
1/2 c. half and half
1/4 c. creamy peanut butter
1/4 c. Nutella
2 eggs
1/4 c. softened butter
1/4 c. Kefir yogurt, plain
2 heaping tbsp. Nutella

Directions:
-Grease the bottom and sides of a round baking pan, set aside
-In a large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Once mixed, add: the milk and half and half, the peanut butter, the 1/4 c. of Nutella, eggs, and butter. Beat with an electric mixer on high speed, scraping the sides of the bowl.
-Add in the Kefir and other 2 tbsp. of Nutella. Beat for another minute.
-Pour the batter into the prepared round pan, evenly spreading. Bake for 30 minutes in the preheated oven or until a toothpick comes out clean.
-Once done, serve it warm or cool it on a wire wrack.
Makes 8 healthy servings.

Today, I treated myself to some Freshberry frozen yogurt topped with almonds, granola, and strawberries. Going to Freshberry Frozen Yogurt Cafe brought back so many memories from “recovery: take one” (back in March 2009). For some reason this time around in recovery I developed a fear of frozen yogurt? Interesting…. but hey, that fear is gone now!

If you are bold enough to take on my challenge, what are you going to treat yourself to?

Anyways, here is what my mom cooked up for lunch:My mom made this three-bean sweet chili for lunch. At first i didn’t like it very much but as I continued to eat it, it grew on me. BIG TIME. I loved it and I can tell that it is going to be one of my new favorite comfort foods. Perhaps I will ask my mother for the recipe if you guys are interested!

On a more serious note, I visited my nutritionist today and… it was no bueno. I’ve lost X pounds and am below XXX again. We believe that the loss was a combination of both the bronchitis nastiness and… ED trying to creep back in.

When I was in New York, not exercising and all, I suppose I chose to eat less and told myself “when I get back to Texas, things will go back to normal and I’ll listen 100% to my body again.” At least… that is what ED wanted me to believe. He wanted me to believe that things would go back to normal so that he could latch his handcuffs around my wrists while he could.

And as you can predict, things did not go back to normal and the consequences showed up on the scale.

BUT, the nutritionist and I talked about it and I know exactly what I have to do and hell, I am going to do it and gain back those lost pounds.

Nice try, ED But you are dealing with a determined pro here.

Before I say Au Revoir, I’d like to thank Kierry of Tasty Health Food for tagging me for the “beautiful blogger award” and fill out the little activity that comes along with it. Kierry reviews healthy snacks and diet-friendly food in a fresh and fun way. She is also a really sweet girl and I love her and her blog .

7 Random Facts about Me:
1. I once had a dream that I was raped by a giant turtle without a shell. It was very scary.
2. I play the violin, dance ballet, write and draw as ways to express myself creatively and artistically.
3. When I was a little girl, I went through a phase where all I talked about were farts and it was very unladylike.
4. I love to experiment with baking and I aspire to write cookbooks showcasing my own recipes in the future.
5. In the house I currently live in, I have fully redecorated my room 5 times and switched bedrooms 3 times. I suppose I’m unstable in my place of residence
6. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to receive and send packages to other bloggers but don’t know how to go about this!
7. I do not like chocolate that much (I do crave dark chocolate sometimes though), but adore any spiced desserts such as gingerbread, apple spice cake, zucchini bread, and cinnamon rolls, etc…

And I tag….
Any readers who have blogs and have not been tagged yet!
You all deserve a beautiful blogger award in my opinion.

Hehe, I am off to go enjoy the rest of the afternoon (and eat what I am supposed to eat). Enjoy your Wednesdays!
Love you all. Pie the Cat says hi.

P.S. the cake recipe for Peanut Butter Nutella Cake above is my recipe. It does not come from a book, website, or magazine. It comes from my own experimentation and mind so please do not endorse it as your own. Thanks!

P.P.S. don’t forget to answer my Q of the Week! It will change on a week to week basis every Monday and it is located as a poll on the right hand side of my site. Alrighty, good bye for real now!

WHERE HAVE I BEEN!?

December 21, 2009 at 2:35 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 43 Comments
Tags: anorexia, david bowie, eating disorders, intuitive eating, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, obsessions, youtube

Love you all and I’m thinking of you all so much.

Happy Holidays!

The Porcelain Doll (RIP Cosmo<3)

November 5, 2009 at 12:14 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 28 Comments
Tags: cat adoption, cosmo, eating disorders, euthanasia, halloween costume, hemp bread, honest foods bar, how to eat healthy, key lime pie larabar, kiwi, lucky layla, oatmeal, pie, porcelain doll, shaggy, soy nuts, weetabix

So much has happened these past few days that I don’t know how to go about talking about it. Mainly this is because I still hold a lot of pain in my heart regarding the death of my dog, Cosmo. We had to put him to rest yesterday afternoon at about 4:25 PM at age 14. I’d like to dedicate this post to commemorate him. He was a great dog whom brought joy and happiness to my family’s home for 9 years and will continue to live within our hearts for as long as we live.

I love you so much, Cosmo! I hope you are having a wonderful time in doggy heaven with your sister, Cleo. Tell her I’ve missed her dearly, my love.

—————————————–

Well, how should I start? Should I start off with how I baked muffins, didn’t calculate the calories, and ate one with my family on Saturday? Or should I mention that I tasted my first Almond Joy in two years (I thought it was too sweet) and didn’t feel TOO guilty that night too? Or maybe I should let you all know that I plan on actually making my calorie goals today? Or that I adopted a new kitten named Pie?

Goodness me, I just have so much to share!

Sunday morning started off with a delightful bowl of oatmeal. I cooked a 1/2 c. in hemp milk & rose water with 1/2 a almond trail mix Honest Foods bar. Then I topped it with soy nuts, sunflower seeds, a kiwi, cottage cheese, and strawberry jelly. I enjoyed a mug of hot chocolate on the side.

I had to get ready within about 3 segundos (seconds in spanish) and frolick with my mom, Tia, and Tio at the yearly Renaissance Festival. Unfortunately, I got no pictures there since my camera was “broken” and my Tio and Tia forgot theirs. Turns out my camera wasn’t broken but my rechargeable batteries were, and that is why my lens wasn’t working properly. Thank goodness my cammie is okay… my parents just do not have the money to buy me a new camera right now, and what would have happened to my blog without a camera? :O

Bad things.

I challenged myself to an old favorite at the festival, a Think Thin bar. I used to eat those all the time during refeeding in April thanks to the high calorie count, but grew afraid of them over the summer as ED crept back in. But… they’re back!I may be going back this weekend since the theme changes every week and I want the rest of my family to experience it. Hopefully I will see the boy who worked at the German pastry stand, the one I played “eyesies” with, again!

Everything was well that day until I stayed home and ate chili. I sat to rot in the kitchen with my Eating Disorder instead of eating an extra tbsp. or two of PB.

Not a single time that week did I make my calorie goal, thanks to ED’s lies. I was spiraling deeper into him. I felt depressed. I felt hopeless. I felt low.

Why does ED trick us all the time? It tells us it is our friend, but it simply lies. And lies do not make friends… yet we never cease to take its hand and follow it when it make false remarks like this:

“Well, since you didn’t work out today… you have the right to restrict.”

“Your vital signs are normal so you don’t need to gain weight.”

“Since you don’t need to gain weight (see above), you don’t need to make your calorie goals.”

“You probably underestimated the calories in your lunch anyway, so go ahead and shave off some calories at dinner or snack time.”

THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT. If ED says any words along these lines, ring the alarm! Call out “fire!” Ask a family member for help! Snap some sense back into yourself!

Or you’ll end up on massive ED probation like me (not fun) thanks to the negative effects your body will show. I’m fighting my way back to be trusted again though. And that is what counts.

—————————————–

Meet Pie, the 4 month old Tabby!

Twas a Monday afternoon the moment Pie and Karina met. A ball of fluff that lodged in a cage, just begging to be adopted, lured Karina in and got its only wish.

The second her dark chocolate eyes met Pie’s butterscotch eyes, she knew it was love. Her motherly instincts took over as she took the baby into her arms and whispered,

“You’re as sweet as pie now, aren’t you?”

When she placed the pet carrier inside her mother’s white van, she knew she’d picked the right one. The right one to pass her love on to and become a part of the family.

No one would take the special place of her poodle Cosmo in her heart, but someone could create their own special place within it and receive a bounty of love… which is just what Pie wanted.

—————————————–

Wednesday.

I realize that I jumped from Monday to today, but Tuesday (yesterday) is really not a day I am ready to talk about. The loss of my dog is still too tender a subject to touch.

In the bowl: 2 Weetabix biscuits, 1/2 c. Lucky Layla drinkable Mango yogurt, and a crumble Key Lime Pie Larabar. On the side: 1 egg & 1 white and a slice of hemp bread spread with almond butter. Washed it down with a glass of soy milk.

I visited both my psychologist and my nutritionist yesterday. They both agreed that ED had gotten the best of me that week (and the week before) and that if I wanted to let go of ED without IP, I’d have to increase my weight at a steady rate. No more of those UPdownUPdownUPdown shenanigans I’d been pulling.

I walked out of both appointments with a sense of empowerment.

The nutritionist said there was no ballet unless I made the 2XXX calories that day.

I made those calories today and I am damn proud. ED can go to hell. I will never stop dancing.

For lunch I enjoyed a delicious bowl of kidney beans with vegetarian italian sausage chunks topped with cheese straws. Carrots on the side.

My mother made broccoli cheese pizza calzones for my Tio and Tia’s anniversary tonight. They were so delicious! Not only were they delicious, but they were a challenge. A challenge that nourished me and helped me dance

I can hear Sanura attacking Pie from my bedroom so I am off to rescue the baby!

Have a fantastic evening and a wonderful Thursday!

The Little Things

October 6, 2009 at 11:08 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 17 Comments
Tags: ballet, breakfast, costume, eating disorders, ED, epiphany, fall foods, granola, green beans, halloween, health, inspiration, jocolate, nature's path, nutritionist, oven reds, parrots, pumpkin seeds, quiche, recovery, scooby doo, shaggy, waffles, yogurt

Chapter 1: The Diminished Mess

Mmm…. Jocolat. Yes, Jocolat.
The genuine bitterness of pure cocoa invigorated The Kitten’s taste buds. Although she hadn’t an appetite, she usually found it very difficult to resist her mid-morning snack when it tasted this exceptional.

Nothing, however, could be as exceptional as the breakfast The Kitten treated herself to that morning. Every bite she took sent chills of pleasure up and down her spine.

It all began with 3/4 c. plain yogurt topped with 1/2 c. of Nature’s Path Peanut Butter granola. A 1/2 c. of blueberries were added along with pumpkin seeds and a milk chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast.

The Kitten trashed her Jocolat bar wrapper on her way into the supermarket, where she claimed ownership of the last rickety, crooked cart. Oh, how she loved to visit prospective pals! What lovely nutriment would she befriend this time?

As she roamed the aisles of her local HEB, The Kitten thought about her body, bodies in general, and the complexity of it all.

Ever since The Kitten had upped her calories, she was tired and sore ALL THE TIME it appeared.

“Why am I always so tired if I’m eating more!?” The Kitten questioned her nutritionist at her appointment. “Shouldn’t I be bouncing off the walls with energy?”

The nutritionist shook her head and explained a thing or two to The Kitten. Since she previously was starving herself, her body would not send messages of exhaustion correctly due to a lack of fuel. This is the reason why she could go on and on with no pains on so little. But now that her body was being fed, it could actually FEEL itself and the post ballet soreness/exhaustion that is normal again. The Kitten’s body was basically a diminished mess and did not have the courtesy (or energy) to notify her of this! A grim thought.

The Kitten’s mind jumped back to her surroundings as she reached for one can of Amy’s split pea soup and one can of creamy tomato soup. She had a gooey grilled cheese sammy planned into her week’s future.

Chapter 2: Creme de la Creme

When The Kitten got home, she was off to cook, cook, cook! She promised to make the lady cats of the Pinzon house an Apple Cheddar Quiche for lunch this morning and was already quite tardy.

The work she put into the quiche proved to be worth it. It may not have looked like anything from La Madeleine, but it sure tasted it:

The girls accompanied their generous serving of the quiche with green beans and oven reds dipped in guacamole.

Anxiety bounced against the walls of The Kitten’s nerves like a foosball table. Complex homecooked meals always gave her that sensation since their calories were more difficult to calculate. She knew this was an issue that would someday diminish, however, with just a little more time in the kitchen…

Chapter 3: Welcome to the Dollhouse

Severed limbs, blood-splattered gowns, and putrescent flesh immersed her surroundings. The Kitten collided with a jester that wore a malicious grin and held a sharpened blade in his left claw as she attempted to disentangle herself from a ceaseless cobweb.

About to scream, a hand grabbed her by the arm and saved her from the bloodthirsty clown. It was Scooby Doo’s sidekick, Shaggy, the noble hero!

The Kitten must have been in shock due to her traumatizing experience because when she looked a little closer, she saw that her savior was no studly TV star. It was only Brother Cat in a halloween costume.

“Come to the register and give mom your costume,” ordered Brother Cat.

“Why don’t you do it yourself, fine gentleman?” She spun out of her Southern Belle costume and handed it to him.

Doesn’t The Kitten look just fabulous? :p

Well, don’t get too attached because she won’t be disguised as Southern Belle this October 31st. You lovely readers will just have to wait and see what it is The Kitten has schemed as her dissemble…

To be continued!

Oh, what a read that was! Haha, just joking.

As cliche as it may sound, it is remarkable how the small things in life truly are what changes your outlook on life.

I woke up to an email from a teacher on my blackberry:

“Karina, I’m sorry to hear about you. Please keep me informed of your progress in fighting this disease. I will also keep you in my prayers. Good luck and I know that you will be successful. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!”

At my sickest, I always felt as though I was alone in the world and no one cared about me. To know that people care about me must be the thing I treasure most. It makes me realize that there is love in this world and that there are reasons for me to fight. To me, the people that I am surrounded by are my main motivations to get better. I want to be here to share my days with the people I care about and starving myself to the grave will never allow me to do this. Neither will maintaining a weight that is far too low, or keeping this bitch called Anorexia in my life at all.

I want to get her out of me SO BAD. I want to be here and live my life to the fullest. I want to have a family in the future and be healthy enough to care for them.

This is why I am going to have two of the waffles I made tonight for breakfast tomorrow. ED says one, but I say two.

Until tomorrow, lovas.