A Diary Entry’s End

Today I’d like to share with you guys an excerpt from an entry I wrote in my personal journal. Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time sharing my struggles with people and keeping everything bottled up inside is killing me… I needed to get this off of my chest:

“Sometimes I feel like my entire persona is a front and nobody ever sees the real me unless I am writing or showing my grief through my body’s appearance. I’m always either super upbeat and bubbly or as quiet and vulnerable as a pet turtle. Not to say that I’m not a bubbly person and not to say that I’m not a vulnerable person, but I feel like these only two “sides” that I show the public are keeping me from revealing my true self and that is hurting me.

I guess I WANT people to see how much I hurt. I WANT people to understand the turmoil I feel on a daily basis, but I do not know how to express it. I’m tired of putting on a happy face for others and keeping all this pain lodged inside of me like a wad of thick thorns because doing this is eating away at every last bit of me.

For the longest time, the only way I knew how to express my misery to others was by showing them my interpretation of “misery”… and in my mind, “misery” looked like a withered corpse. In my disordered mind, by slowly disappearing, I thought I was effectively demonstrating people how my pain was feasting on me and in my disordered mind, that explained exactly why I was growing smaller and smaller like a morsel of food on a supper plate.

As macabre as it sounds, that is how my mind worked… and unfortunately, still does.

I have no idea how to share with others how I feel in a constructive manner. The closest I can get to exposing to others my inner feelings at this point (other than by writing) is by throwing fits and tantrums such as the one I threw the other night in the privacy of my own home. Sure, at least I have writing to express myself but I can’t keep a typewriter or word document by my side at all times, now can I?

No one would ever imagine that the effervescent and collected girl they see in public often throws herself on her bed, red faced and screaming with mascara streaming down her cheeks, crying “I hate my life! I hate everything! I hate being me!” at the top of her lungs. Despite getting my feelings out in a very direct manner this way, there is absolutely nothing healthy about these outbursts of mine

What makes me the most sad about all this, however, is not my own situation, but the fact that I know there must be so many others struggling like this behind closed doors. Who knows how many other people are suffering in agony behind their projected smiles? Who’s to say their smiles aren’t fake, such as my own?

Throughout my recovery, I want to learn how to let go and show the world my true colors. If I’m feeling sad, I’ll show it. I’ll show it to others and feel no shame. If I’m feeling happy, I will show those bright colors too and it will mean so much more because my smiles will be real and only appear when they are felt from within. How much does a genuine smile light up a room?

A lot.

I want to light up a room someday.”

-February 2011

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Despite using my blog as a sort of personal journal, I have used a separate journal throughout my journey to further vent all of the emotions recovery puts me through. That was one of my latest entries. Every day (yes, even the “good” days) is a battle between my ED and I. Every day is a challenge to disobey him and every day is an arduous struggle between what I want and what ED wants. Every day, I am faced with choices.

“My grandmother always used to tell me as a child that two paths existed in the afterlife: the path to heaven and the path to hell. The path to hell was bejeweled with flowers and people frolicking through paddocks whilst they laughed and smoked. The path to heaven was scattered with barbwire and thorns that’d prick one’s feet.

We could easily give up and take ED’s hand; follow him right down the bright, blossomed road to hell just because it’d be far less demanding on him. Far more “comfortable.”

But where does this simple path ultimately lead? Hell.

It is much more worth it to prick one’s feet and wipe the blood off our bruises when the reward in the end is heaven, happiness, and freedom. Not some fiery pit of torment and death.”
-Heaven? or Hell?

We are forced to make a choice between taking the easy way out (where ED will be comfortable and secure), or taking the strenuous and emotional journey out (where ED will inevitably suffer). As warriors in recovery, we have already chosen the latter and have come to terms with the inescapable thorns that will prick our feet and the blood that will pour from our battle wounds. It is all a part of the process… the process that leads to our freedom.

Today my battle is simple in essence yet difficult to accomplish: I must get back on track and make my meal plan. You guys, I am not perfect. I slip up too… and I slipped up this weekend.

In addition to my daily calorie goal, I must drink an Ensure or Boost Plus every day. My nutritionist left me room to be flexible, however, and told me that like normal people, I am allowed to treat myself to extra special meals and replace my daily supplement with 360 calories elsewhere on the days I choose. This means that I have the freedom on certain days to not have my Ensure/Boost IF I make up for it with a special meal or treat. I had planned on Saturday being one of those days because I was going to challenge myself to a milkshake or Blizzard from Dairy Queen…. but it ended up not working out. (Shockers: life is unpredictable! ED is evil!)

I felt very guilty about not making my meal plan and wanted to rip my hair out for not being perfect but then I realized something. Even though it wasn’t a 100% “successful” day, I excelled in other areas that day so I must give myself props for that and not beat myself up  (I just have to make sure it doesn’t happen again). Even though the Dairy Queen challenge did not happen, another very monumental challenge did: I challenged myself to one of my former favorite foods: cheese sticks at Chili’s! Read fried mozzarella cheese sticks!

They were so so good. Biting into their crispy flesh and seeping into their gooey innards felt so damn delicious and I should congratulate myself for finding the strength to make this challenge happen. Karina wanted to reunite with them so badly and you know what? I have bragging rights… Anytime we challenge ourselves, we have the right to brag! No shame! It is so amazing when we do something that severs a tie between ourselves and ED.

And even though Saturday was not 100% recovery perfection (as if that even exists!), today is a fresh new day and do you know how I started it off? With a nice, cold bottle of Boost Plus.

I made the choice this morning to go down the arduous, prickly path to freedom and let go of ED’s grip. Good choice.

Good day.

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Anyway, recovering from an Eating Disorder requires eating… DURRR! So here are some of my best eats:

Wednesday, February 23: Toasted sandwich on German rye bread stuffed with hickory smoked Tofurky, dried cranberries, mayonnaise, tomato slices, spinach, and goat cheese. A side of vegetable soup and mixed berries with whipped cream (not pictured) on the side.

That Wednesday evening, my family and I ate at California Pizza Kitchen where I shared the Roasted Artichoke pizza and the Field Greens salad (with dressing and everything!) with my mom. This was such a delicious meal! CPK takes the cake as the best pizza ever in my heart.

Thursday, February 24: Breakfast was Fromage Blanc topped with vanilla almond granola, Nutlettes, almond butter, and a large sliced banana.

For lunch, I went to Jason’s Deli. Guess what I had? An old favorite: RESTAURANT GRILLED CHEESE! From ages 3-14, my favorite meal at every restaurant was a grilled cheese sandwich. I STILL love grilled cheese sandwiches and can say that they are in my top 5 favorite foods. Sure, I make them at home quite often but this was my first restaurant grilled cheese in ages. It brought back so many memories…I had the grilled cheese sandwich with a side of ruffled potato chips and steamed vegetables. A totally balanced and nourishing meal <3

After dinner that night, I finally had the container of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream that had been sitting in my freezer for over a month. ED had been cowering in fear of it but I finally sent him to hell and devoured it! It was so delicious!

Friday, February 25: I was in the mood for an old favorite…. carrot cake oats! I cooked my oats in vanilla almond milk, 1/2 a whipped banana, cinnamon, maple syrup, and 1/2 serving of vanilla protein powder. Then I added crystallized ginger, shredded baby carrots, almond butter, and a dollop of cream cheese.

For lunch, my family and I ate at La Madeleine.I started off with vegetable soup… ordered a spinach, tomato, and mushroom omelette, and had a fruit & yogurt muesli parfait for dessert!This meal was delicious but made me feel very anxious and I had a small panic attack afterward :/. I felt so guilty after eating this because I felt extremely full. ED just does not want to come to accept fullness yet. Every time I am full beyond my comfort level, he beats me up and makes me feel horrible about it. I was almost crying because of how awful I felt… not only physically but also mentally. I know that what I am doing is saving my life, however, and I am keeping my eyes on the prize of freedom. This discomfort will be worth it in the end. It truly will be.

That night, along with my black bean veggie burger and broccoli/ketchup, I shared the order of fried cheese at Chili’s with my mother!Everyone was in a really good mood and I felt no guilt whatsoever. In fact, although the cheese sticks were delicious, they could have been a little greasier . They just weren’t juicy enough for KARINA’s taste!
It is ridiculous how ED can make us feel guilty about something like fruit, eggs, and a yogurt parfait and then not even come to bother us when we eat something like cheese sticks. He is so irrational and flaky…. I’m glad he didn’t come to ruin this meal for me though!

Hopefully he won’t be around to ruin any more good meals. I don’t deserve the torture he puts me through. None of us do.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Kick some ass, claim your life back, and have a beautiful Monday tomorrow

Ciao for now!

P.S. I have a little message for the the people who continue to send me cruel, immature, and insensitive Formspring comments on a daily basis…..

SUCK MY….BANANA!

Yeah. I can get rude too.