Inspirational Meal Plans

May 20, 2012 at 11:45 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Tags: amy's, anorexia, bad, ben and jerry's, blog, boca, boost, calories, celiac, chili's, chips, cinnamon roll, clif bar, corn pops, cottage cheese, dairy, eating disorder, ensure, example, food, fromage blanc, full fat, gluten free, green valley, high calorie, horizon, how to, ice cream, ideas, inspirational, jason's deli, karina pinzon, kefir, kinnikinnick, lactose free, late, lays, like some cat from japan, meal plans, milk, nutella, orthorexia, plus, recipes, recovery, red robin, sample, starbucks, taco bell, udi's, vegetarian, weight gain

Overnight oats (find “recipe” below writing under May 16, 2012 meal plan)

Sometimes I like to dig into my mind like a gardener amongst fertile ground. The vast expanse appears clear, appears empty, but beneath its lush exterior lays Earth and sustenance. The soil awaits a seed to seeps its substance into and fertilize. It awaits an opportunity to make something grow.

My body and mind itch for a seed to expand, to nurture and to parent but because of my deteriorated health, the seeds I’d like to sow cannot be planted.

I cannot express how important it is for me to be a part of an activity that sets goals for me. Growing up an active child (ballerina, figure skater, soccer player, cheerleader, etc.), sportsmanship and the need to constantly self-improve became measures of confidence I lived on and thrived off of. The goals I planted for myself at a young age kept me inspired throughout my childhood, turning me into the passionate young woman I am today.

Weeding though my past, I came to the conclusion that ballet, even just once or twice a week, is not a positive activity for me and I will not be making a return to it when I am allowed physical activity again. It is time to say goodbye to ballet.

Seeing as I am starting fresh at a new school this coming fall (GO CELTS!), I’d like to start anew in all areas of my life and finally feel mentally prepared to play capoeira, a Brazilian martial art involving dance and music. I’ve dreamt of starting capoeira classes for ages but my fear of change and things unknown always held me back. I’m ready to take a risk now though, ready to plant a new seed.

Before I can even think of playing capoeira, however, I must gain back to a healthy weight… and be serious about it.

I think I’ve taken my recent weight loss too lightly, not realizing the true toll it takes on my body and life. After visiting my dietitian yesterday and receiving a burdening wake up call, I now see how serious the situation I’ve fallen into is.

I’ve dropped even more weight since the last time I saw her and now the drop is not digestion related, it is eating disorder related.

With the amount of rage I feel, I could just rip the eyeballs out of my sockets and die but instead, I’m going to better this situation by doing something about it. I do NOT want to end up like the tragic example my dietitian shared with me yesterday.

My dietitian sees a brilliant client who not only won a scholarship but also earned a position at a very competitive summer internship. She dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon but guess what? She cannot participate in the internship because she is too sick from her eating disorder to partake. This girl’s eating disorder pulled her from pursuing her dreams and will continue to do so if she does not help herself. She may not even get to go to college because of her physical and mental health, and if that happens, then where will her dreams of neurosurgery go? The grave, that’s where.

I don’t want to end up like her. I don’t want my dreams of capoeira, university, residential life, independence, and becoming a successful journalist buried. The only thing I want six feet under is my eating disorder so that I can finally live my life CONSISTENTLY IN PEACE.

Right now, I am headed in the direction of my dietitian’s client and I need to put a stop to that immediately because I don’t WANT my life shattered this way. I don’t what your lives shattered by an illness either.

That is why I am going to share weight gain meal plans from my past, present and future to inspire and motivate both my readers and myself. We can do this! Lets eat and gain health so that we can follow our dreams.

I really hope these help out those struggling to gain weight. It is important to gain weight eating “NORMAL” foods, not only the stereotypical Orthorexic/health food blogger type of foods. I’m not putting anyone down but lets face it, the majority of the “recovery” bloggers are struggling with plenty of issues with their food choices that are mentally holding them back.

TAKE CARE, EVERYONE!

****** These meal plans are not meant to be precisely followed, as everyone has different needs. The plans I shared above are entries from my personal food journal, which I have actually eaten in the past (hence the dates above each entry.) If you are recovering from an eating disorder, you should be seeing a dietitian or health care professional specializing in eating disorders to guide you. These meal plans are posted solely to inspire and give ideas. You should follow a plan that suits YOUR body’s needs.

I am a real person.

May 14, 2012 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: ajapanesekitten, anorexia, applegate farms, baking, binging, blog, blueberry, bulimia, cloves, dressing, eating disorder, food, formspring, genoa, gluten free, help, hummus, illnesses, instagram, karina pinzon, lemon, lettuce, mental, mood swings, purging, recovery, sabra, salad, salami, scones

My mood swings frighten me.

My mind feels raw, bare, and vulnerable- susceptible to any influences that cross it.

The true me lies in the core of my mind; she’s happy, wild and free, always ready to embark on an adventure and experience new things. This core is vulnerable though, and like a child fearful of monsters in his closet, I shield my core beneath a blanket- a heavy suffocating blanket.

I think I’m afraid to feel anything real, even happiness: the state of being I’ve fought over for years. If I crave happiness so badly, why then do I continue to cower from it, merely dipping my toes into when I’m given the chance? Why can’t I just take the plunge?

Because with happiness comes tragedy.

Without sadness and disappointment, happiness cannot exist. Without negativity, positivity holds no place. In a world without opposites, there can by no true feelings because all emotions are the same. There is nothing to foil, nothing to compare.

I’m so horrified to face true life that I revert to compulsions, eating disorder related or not, to distract myself…. to numb myself from reality- whatever that may be.

What is my reality? Who exactly am I and why am I so afraid to be this mystery person 100% of the time? I don’t have the answer to these questions, and for that reason I continue to go to therapy.

I want to learn how to face my life and stop immersing myself in sickness and depression to run away. Being sick, sad, and babied to the point where I need to be taken care of helps me escape. In my subconscious, if I can focus on my illness, my self-pity and my patheticness, I can forget the world around me and avoid being present.

The realization of the way my mind works disgust me! How can I do this to myself time and time again? How can I allow myself to succumb to depression just because it makes me feel empty and numb? I should not desire emptiness, but I do, whether it be physical or mental.

When I’m empty, I do not feel sad. I do not feel disappointed, or afraid, or nervous. At the same time though, I also do not feel happy or proud, excited or peaceful. I just feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

That is no way to live! It’s okay to feel! And because of common sense, I am aware of this. I just need to work on learning to accept human emotions- both the “good” and the “bad.”

I don’t know a sure fire shortcut straight to healthy coping mechanisms, but I’m going to work at reaching them. Recovery requires continuous, vigorous effort. Just because you’ve make progress in the food and weight areas of eating disorder recovery does not mean that the labor is over. Eating disorders are complex illnesses constructed of deeper issues, which are personal to every suffering individual. It is the process of tackling these specific deeper issues after weight restoration that paves the road to full recovery. If these issues are not ever confronted, falling back into old coping mechanisms (starving, binging, purging) is difficult to avoid. And these harmful coping mechanisms always hold us back.

I know I say this repeatedly but I’m so tired of dreaming.

I’m so tired of settling for the vacancy that is my being.

I want to do things. I want to be present.

I realize that I’ve always spontaneously returned to my blog on various occasions, each time sharing my happiness at being “almost recovered,” only to face my sickness yet again and for that instability, I apologize. I promise that I come here to share my “almost recovery” experiences and then take them back not because I’m trying to fool you guys, but because in those time periods, I legitimately FEEL “almost recovered.” With every inch of progress I make, however, I realize how much more I can improve, how much farther I can move and then I’m just left unsatisfied… and unhappy.

What is worse is when my readers send me disappointed messages saying things like, “I thought you were already recovered, how could you lie on your blog?” or “You said you were at a healthy weight and had no eating disorder thoughts. You are a fake!”

Those messages hurt me and chase me away from the internet.

I NEVER lie to my readers. I am nothing but honest with my experiences as they come and I swear that what I write on this website is what I feel, but I can’t help it if what I feel at times is a manifestation of the problems that ultimately make me deeply unhappy.

The most I can guarantee you from my blog, 100% manifestation free, is the diary of an 18 year old girl going through a drawn out process to get a life. There are ups and downs, there are discrepancies, there are realizations and epiphanies, there are tears and laughter, but most importantly… there is reality.

And my reality is all I can give you.

Sincerely,
a real person.

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On another note, I’ve had people request shots of food so I’m going to give the people what they want!

I baked blueberry lemon scones today. Depending on how much my family and I enjoy them, I will share the recipe here sometime this week.

For dinner this evening, I had a fresh salad of iceberg lettuce, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers, olives, and orange cranberry dressing.I coupled my salad with a baked sweet potato and stir-fried shredded beef.

I also jumped ahead and made tomorrow’s school lunch! I don’t have time to pack a lunch in the mornings so I always put it together the night before. Applegate Farms Genoa salami slices, sliced cucumber, fresh strawberries, Sabra hummus, and a homemade almond flour butter biscuit.

I hope that today’s post gave somewhat of a glimpse of what I’m going through. I’m really confused with my emotions and my mind. To those who follow my Formspring, I should be back to answering Formspring questions soon.

Take care, everyone.

P.S. If you use Instagram, follow me (username: ajapanesekitten). I’m addicted.

A Whole New World- “Intuitive Eating”

May 1, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments
Tags: anorexia, body, book, challenges, eating disorder, elyse resch, evelyn tribole, how to, hunger, inspiration, intuitive eat, intuitive eating, journey, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, listen, process, recipes, recovery, scale, scared, signals

I’ve entered a new realm in recovery, one of foreign territory.

After lingering and settling in the same spot for months, it was time to make a change for the better of my body, my future, and myself.

I haven’t counted calories in close to a year.

I haven’t known my weight in close to three.

I’d like to say that numbers mean absolutely nothing to me but numbers, still, in some way dictate my life. That external control is my poison.

Although weight, clothing sizes, and calories no longer influence me, time began to imprison me throughout my recovery, strengthening and fortifying its lock as days/weeks/months passed.

I grew into the habit of eating at certain times every day in order to make my meal plan and recover hunger cues, which greatly benefited my recovery in the early and medial stages. These designated times eventually transgressed from a healthy habit to a strict obsession over months of repetition, to the point where I felt emotionally unable to eat outside these time frames. Just the thought of deviation sent my nervous system into panic mode.

And now that I feel ready to fully learn how to intuitive eat, it is time to break free from all external cues and focus solely on what my body communicates to me, like a normal eater… like an innocent child… like someone who trusts their body.

I’ve been trying to intuitive eat for what seems like decades but giving up that controlling and hyper-disciplined eating disorder behavior over night is impossible. I needed those time guides and schedules to keep me on track while transitioning away from calorie counting. I needed those “clean plate” rules to ensure that I met my nutritional needs. But I can’t baby myself or maintain that “mechanical eating” mentality forever if I truly want to intuitive eat someday.

From this day forward:

-If my body tells me it’s hungry an hour before my “usual” meal time, I vow to honor this sensation and feed my body anyway.
-If my body tells me it’s full after eating only 3/4 of what is on my plate, I vow to trust its signals and stop eating, because I know that I have the right to eat again whenever my body asks for more food- even if that is 30 minutes after a meal!
-The same idea applies to if my body is not full after finishing my plate of food. I am allowed to eat THREE or FOUR plates of food if my tummy so desires as long as I eat until I am comfortably full and satisfied.

Mechanical eating had its place in my recovery and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it, but now it’s time to take the next step outside of my comfort zone and CHALLENGE myself again.

Like I’ve said before, recovery is about continually challenging yourself and if you find yourself stalled at a plateau as well, I suggest you join me in my efforts and change something with me. Kick your healing back into gear!

And if you happen to find yourself in my exact pair of shoes, transitioning between non-calorie counting to full-blown natural intuitive eating, I recommend the book “Intuitive Eating” by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA.

Although the book talks a lot about weight loss in certain cases, it speaks to a very broad audience of conflicted eaters which I found not triggering and very relatable. It has a healthy and inspiring attitude towards food, exercise, and body image and establishes free eating, obliteration of diets, and shunning feelings of guilt. It also stresses that learning to intuitive eat is a process (much like recovery from any addiction or eating disorder!) and any “mistakes” are learning experiences- not failures.

I’ve been following the intuitive eating principles for four days and I’m not going to lie, I feel like I’m back at square one again- like a lost puppy with muddled emotions and confusion. I’ve already found myself freaking out about “eating too much” or “eating too often” but these are all evil judgements made by my eating disorder who hates freedom… but guess what? I like freedom and I can achieve this. We can all be free, even if the journey is scary. That’s what courage is for.

I can’t make any promises but I’d really like to come back to blogging and use Like Some Cat from Japan as an open journal again to express my experience throughout this totally foreign journey to me. I really need that support.. I can’t do this alone. And anyway, I miss you guys! Please join me and take steps forward in your recovery.

Take care!

Happy Valentine’s Day! (Video)

February 14, 2012 at 7:32 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Tags: 1920's, bettie boop, fashion, i wanna be loved by you, karina pinzon, lip sync, marilyn monroe, music, song, valentine's day, video

The New Year Approaches.

December 28, 2011 at 12:32 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: ambient, anorexia, cars, drums, dubstep, eating disorders, escape, glowing, inspiration, karina pinzon, lights, like some cat from japan, loss, new years, positive, recovery, resolution, thinspiration, thinspo, weight gain

The white lights of passing buildings.
The red glares of moving cars.
The lime blaze of glowing odometers.

Music blasting through my headphones, I stared out of the car’s window and thought about how badly I wanted to get home.

I wanted to get home, slip out of my blue jeans, and lie on my bed- lie on my bed and listen. Just listen to music.

I craved the electronic sounds of droning instruments, haunting synthesizers and beating drums. I craved the pillowy top of my turquoise comforter, the plush feel of my mattress, and warming security of my own bedroom- my own little world. I wanted to close my eyes and just disappear, if only for a bit.

The bedroom door- I wanted it closed. I wanted a brick wall secluding me from the world, a wall enveloping me in solidarity. I could taste the escape on the tip of my tongue just thinking about it.

I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to listen to the music and let the beats decide what direction my thought should travel in. Let the timbres choose where to turn.

Like a person unties the laces from their sneakers, I wanted to untie myself from any feeling. That’s all I wanted. Really.

Back in the car- 20 minutes from home, 20 minutes from that sacred escape within my bedroom- I looked over at my mother, her hands bolted to the steering wheel.

My mom never has the time to lie on her bed, pants off and speakers on, to just appreciate good music. She doesn’t have the time to build a barrier between herself and her responsibilities- my poor mother has no time for escape. In reality, most adults do not and as I near adulthood an inch closer ever year, this idea of losing time frightens me.

At that moment, as the neon green glow of the odometer struck me across the face, I suddenly felt afraid of myself- afraid of how quickly the numbers of age had piled on top of me. Four years passed by so quickly and I’d gone from a naive 14 year old girl to a knowing 18 year old female all in the span of what seemed like a slow evening. Four years in one evening. That’s what it felt like.

As my car crept along the freeway, the unavoidable prospect of becoming an adult seemed like a death sentence. I’d already wasted four years on an eating disorder- four years of my YOUTH on an eating disorder- and all I was going to do was get older. Older, and older, and older. I was just starting to get my life back for Christ’s sake!

I was finally normal, finally having fun again and time was a mammoth clock perched on my back. I wanted to be 14 again and just start over from scratch. Drifting through high school with depression and anxiety excluded me from so many experiences common to growing up- the dates, the parties, the firsts and the lasts- you know, the standard high school hooplah. As I sat in the passenger seat of the car, now 10 minutes from home, a knot of regret swelled in my stomach.

But was the remorse worth it?

I could no longer do anything about those four years “lost,” I couldn’t rewind and take them all back to the start like a video cassette. In fact, as much as I wanted to pity myself, those four years of misery made me who I am and I grew from them. Instead of regretting time I could not gain back, I should focus on the years ahead of me and make the most out of them.

Promising myself to never relapse or fritter away precious time is the best thing I can for myself to “make up” for those four years lost. By healing 100% and continuing on as happily as I am now, I may even GAIN 4+ years of life. Who knows?

I’m not really one for New Year’s Resolutions but if I must pick one, that would definitely be it: Never fall into the hands of Anorexia- or any wasteful addictions- ever again.

SOUNDS LIKE A MEANINGFUL RESOLUTION TO ME!!

Happy (early) New Year to all! Don’t waste any time. We are only given one life and what we are given is very short. Drifting through and not experiencing things as they come…. it’s not a good idea.

Not “The Girl-Next-Door”

December 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments
Tags: anorexia, applegate farms, awkward, blog, burger bun, calories, chicken burger, colombiana soda, confidence, flaws, heinz, high fat, ideal girl, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, perfect, pretty, recovery, reviews, self esteem, self hate, skinny, sweet relish, udi's gluten free, victorias secret, weight gain

I’m a really strange person.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the kind of strange that cannot be kept a secret. Everyone must know about it- and if they don’t know about it, they must at least be suspicious of it.

There are days, seemingly chosen at random, where I embrace it and feel (dare I say it?) proud of my “weirdness” but then there are other days where I entirely abhor it and pray that I’ll wake up the next morning as the textbook example of “a perfect female”….. whatever that may be.

The reason this topic is etched in my mind is because lately, I have taken a burning interest in boys again; and with this interest comes raging hormones and with those raging hormones comes the self-conscious awkwardness experienced by preteens. Yes, I find myself back in the age of gawky self-doubt where one questions whether anyone of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you.

I look in the mirror and feel that my nose is too crooked, my ears to stuck out, my hair far too flat and my skin way too splotched.

I reflect on my persona and feel that my hobbies are too unrelatable, my interests too obscure and my humor beyond what is proper for a lady.

In my mind, all I hear is “too much this” or “too much that.”
What exactly am I measuring myself to?

When I truly analyze it, I think I am comparing myself to the “ideal girl” society has created for us. My interpretation of who I’ve been told the “ideal girl” is goes as follows:

IDEAL GIRL
Name: Ideal Girl
Height: Taller than most girls, shorter than most guys
Weight: Thinnest girl in the room
Looks: A down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model
Personality: Prim and proper, smily all the time, feminine, soft and giggly, tells funny yet appropriate jokes, gets along with everybody, charming , yada yada yada

Ugh! I can’t be that girl!

My name is not anywhere close to “Ideal Girl,” my name happens to be Karina Pinzon. I’m shorter than a lot of girls and sometimes even taller than a few guys because guess what? PEOPLE COME IN ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE SIZES. And my weight? Ever since I’ve gotten closer to being recovered from my eating disorder, I’m no longer always the thinnest girl in the room. There are now several girls thinner than me and that is OK. I am healthy and best of all, no longer at risk of dying of heart failure at the age of 18. Concerns like THAT are strange and sad.

Continuing to compare myself to Ms. “Ideal Girl,” I also sure as flipping-ass hell do not look like a “down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model.” I have never ever been the girl next door. In fact, I’m more like the girl who lives in the abandoned house down the street with rotting oak trees and flourescent unicorn ornaments on her lawn.

I’m also far from giggly and appropriate. When I laugh, I cackle and when I tell a joke, you better believe it’s a dirty one. I’m not an “ideal girl” and you know what? Even though I want to crawl under a rock because of the things I say and do in public sometimes, I like being unique and I like being weird. I like being me.

I take a look at the other girls around me, who go through boys like they do underwear during that time of the month, and I wonder “HOW do you find ‘boy toys’ so easily!? How do you find boys that you not only like but that also LIKE YOU BACK?”

Maybe I will never know. All I know is that I am never going to find a mutual love interest unless the love I have with myself is mutual.

My body may love me now because I am giving it what it needs to be healthy and strong, but… I have to love it back.

I have to appreciate, thank it, adore it for allowing me to DO the things that make me the “strange” and “unique” person I am. Without my body in tip-top health, I wouldn’t be able act upon my “weirdo” tendencies. I would just be another drone, ebbing and falling through the turbulent waves of life- not really enjoying anything. I’ve been in that position before and I don’t want to be there again.

I want to live my life, being WEIRDAZFUCK, and like it.

If I meet a boy, great.
If I don’t, fabulous.

Either way, I’m going to be happy.

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A memorable meal….

A mozzarella, tomato, mayonnaise, spicy mustard and breaded chicken burger sandwich on Udi’s GF burger bun with Heinz sweet relish and sweet potato fries! This was perfect with a glass of Colombiana soda.

I should probably go study for the precalculus exam I am inevitably going to fail tomorrow. Take care, everyone!

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I Prefer Eating Ham, Not Feeling Like It.

November 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments
Tags: anorexia, blog, bulimia, calories, compulsions, eating disorders, exercise addiction, food, inspiration, karina pinzon, ketchup, lays, like some cat from japan, loaf, mental illness, millet chia bread, original, potato chip, recipes, recovery, sandwich, udi's gluten free, weight gain, weird food combinations

I felt “fat” last night.

Fat as in, really dreadfully fat.

As I lay hyperventilating on my game-room couch, my body seemed to morph into the oven-fried pork loins my mom made for dinner that night. Every bone in my body dripped with guilt and self-hate as I felt like a “pig.”

I sunk deeper into the couch, which felt like a suffocating bucket of lard, and moaned about how dreadful I felt. I even tweeted about it.

“OH MY GOD. I AM A DEEP FRIED PORK LOIN, A HAM STEAK, THE BATTERED COATING OF AN ONION RING. HOLY SHIT, I AM SO FAT!” I cried, being the melodramatic Anorexic I turn into sometimes.

Every inch of me felt compelled to slip on my tennis shoes and bust my butt on the treadmill, going against everything my therapist and dietitian expected of me. I wanted to run my problems away, run the feeling out of my body, and run toward a higher self-esteem. I don’t even like running. In fact, I hate it.

That is when I realized my solutions and my thought process made no sense.

Why would I think that running, against my medical team’s orders, would make me feel better about myself? Why would I think that exercising without permission would help my recovery? Why would I think that burning calories would solve all of my problems?

It wouldn’t, and it would be a complete waste of my time and money to do the opposite of what my medical team told me to. What’s the point of paying my dietitian and therapist if I’m not going to obey them? Disobeying my mentors is a stupid idea that only harms me.

With that, I remained on the couch, leaving my tennis shoes tucked away in the darkness of my closet. I fell asleep, still feeling “fat”, but I had the satisfaction of knowing I made the right decision.

——— ——— ———- ——— ——— ———- ———-

The following morning (AKA: today), I awoke with a powerful freshness. The “fat” feelings from the previous night had worn off and I was left with the high effects of triumph.

Today is a new day and I feel very energized, and inspired.

Had I given into my ED urges and succumbed to the appeal of temporary relief, I know that I would feel worse today because I would’ve been one step closer to falling back into my eating disorder habits. I may have felt better and less “fat” last night if I had given in, but then today would have been a whole different ball-game. I know for a fact that I would feel weaker today, weaker and more entrapped by ED.

By remaining firm in what I knew was best for me, I became a warrior. Just like a body builder challenges his muscles to make them stronger, I challenged my eating disorder and made my mind stronger. That is how it’s done. It takes a little sacrifice and a lot of hard work to recover. Instantaneous relief is overrated.

ANYWAY, I had the best lunch ever today.

Buffalo chicken, Swiss cheese, mayonnaise, cucumber, tomato, and mustard sandwich on Udi’s millet chia bread. On the side, original Lays drizzled with ketchup. Gahh, so delicious!

I am going to spend the rest of the day drawing, reading a school book, and helping my mom out with Thanksgiving cooking in the kitchen. I feel so happy today!

Everyone have an awesome day

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Anorexia Can’t Crash My Holiday Parties.

November 21, 2011 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments
Tags: anorexia, blogs, buffalo wings, calorie allotment, calories, challenges, eating disorders, fish tacos, foods, french fries, high fat, inspiration, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, listen to your body, nutrition facts, recovery, red robin, twitter, weight gain

Sometimes I question what I am doing with myself and why I choose to do it.

I question why I try so hard to gain weight, and why I force myself to “sit on my butt” all day and be inactive.

I also question why I push myself to make higher calorie food choices and eat beyond my fullness level too.

I question why I do the opposite of what so many people in today’s society do, and why I choose to be the odd one out in a culture so fixated on losing weight. It seems counterproductive to put myself under the limelight of self-doubt and be the only one amongst a table of salad eaters to eat a real meal, but in those situations where I feel “weird” and “self-conscious” about eating more than others, I remember that not everyone eats as lightly as the people around me in that moment. I just CHOOSE to notice those who eat less than me- or should I say my eating disorder chooses to do so?

If I look beyond the table of people I choose to eat with, I see a larger population of people simply enjoying food- free of thinking about calories, health, and body size. I see a mass of normal humans simply eating to nourish themselves and enjoying the time spent with their family or friends.

As much as my eating disorder wants to convince me that the dieters around me make up all of the population and that I must conform to their ways, the reality is that notion is simply untrue. Just because that random girl at my lunch table eats crackers and soup every day for lunch does not mean that the girl at the next table over eats the same way or that it is “normal.” My eating disorder filters the “normal” eaters so that I can only see the abnormal eaters… and why? Because it wants to TRICK me.

Thankfully, I keep my common sense and logic tucked into my back pockets and that makes me one tough girl to fool.

Whenever I break my filter and choose to notice the healthy and normal eaters around me, that is when I am reminded of why I choose to do what I am doing with myself- and what I am doing is recovery.

I am choosing the pitfalls and torments of recovery because I want to BE one of those normal people I know exist out there. I want to sit at a dinner table, smiling and laughing with my family. I want to have that twinkle in my eye, that glow to my skin, that carefree demeanor that screams “I don’t give a shit about calories, I just give a shit about life.”

Being skinny doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make me friends, it doesn’t make me cooler, it doesn’t make me better at anything I do. Striving to be “skinny” just makes me unhappy and I have come to realize this more than ever.

I recently started counting calories again in order to regain some weight, and became aware of how much happier I am when I am not restricting my intake and actually eating the correct foods/amounts for my body- and by “correct” foods I don’t mean the “healthiest.” I mean the ones my body asks me for.

If I want to eat cookies and milk, or brownies, or fries and buffalo wings, I want the liberty to make those choices like I did pre-eating disorder.

I’ve done a good job at making those choices for a while now but for some reason, I have gained a new-found appreciation of this freedom I earned. I can’t express how delicious it feels (and tastes) to go to a restaurant and order whatever the hell I want regardless of calories.

I have a story: the other day when dinner came around, I had 1200 calories left in my calorie allotment. My family and I were sitting inside Red Robin, fixing to put in our orders, and I was REALLY in the mood to get buffalo wings and french fries. The only thing was… the order of buffalo wings did not contain 1200 calories, it contained 1500 calories. This was like a blaring alarm going off in my head.

In that moment when the waiter was going to take our orders, I had two choices: either order a plate of fish tacos (which I wasn’t really in the mood for) for exactly 1200 calories and meet my calorie goal exactly, or order the buffalo wings and fries (which I REALLY wanted) for 1500 calories and go over my calorie goal.

My eating disorder wanted me to order the fish tacos SO badly but I channeled the normal eater inside of me and said “fuck it. I don’t care about calories.” I ordered my buffalo wings and moved on to enjoy dinner with my family. If I had ordered the fish tacos, that would have done NOTHING to further my recovery and I probably would have spent the whole meal thinking about the buffalo wings I didn’t order. By ordering what I wanted, I felt satisfied at the end of my meal because I listened to my body. A lessoned learned: calories should not impact my decisions nor should my calorie allotment be a cage I am locked within. I can go ABOVE my calorie allotment and benefit my body, I can just never go below my goal because there are no excuses for shortchanging myself.

Speaking of shortchanging myself, my dietitian and I were looking at my records today and noticed there was a trend that every single winter since I was diagnosed with Anorexia, I have relapsed. Every. single. one.

I feel really determined to make the holiday season we are in, which is clearly a very triggering time of the year for me, a good one. I am not going to let my eating disorder take control of me this time, especially not after I have taken so many steps forward in my recovery. I have gotten dreadfully ill every single Christmas and that realization makes me sick.

Let me tell you, a relapse will NOT occur this winter. Just watch me soar above my eating disorder. Just watch me. I am a stronger person now, and I am going to put my strength to the test and help myself.

I urge you, readers, to do the same. Love yourselves and challenge yourselves. Do something good for your bodies and your lives.

Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S. Be sure to follow me on Twitter! I finally got one

Flirting with my Future

August 30, 2011 at 5:52 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: act, blog, california, chapman university, college applications, deadlines, dodge college, essays, film and media arts, german pumpernickel bread, goya coconut water, how to deal, ideas, karina pinzon, lay's dip creations garden onion dip reviews, like some cat from japan, lunch cube to go, military boots, orange, raw veggies, rugged style, sat, seasoning mix, sing my own praises, sistema, stress, write, writer's block

Oh, college applications.

College applications, college applications, college applications. How you torture me with your broad essay assignments, SAT/ACT retesting, and approaching deadlines.

I can not believe that this period of my life, which at one point seemed so far away, is actually here. It flummoxes me that I am actually planning college essays, filling out questionnaires and talking to my parents about the possibility of moving out, leaving everything I know behind. It is surreal but at the same time so tangible. This milestone of “growing up” is not a mere figment of my childhood daydreams anymore.

DISTRESS.

At present, what used to be a “daydream” as a middle-schooler seems to be more of a nightmare as I am now faced with that onerous stress that millions of high school seniors experience every year. To me, the three essays hovering over my head are what’s killing me right now. Not to sing my own praises or anything, *la laaa la la lalalala*, but writing A+ essays has always come naturally to me. I can sit down with a prompt and just bleed my heart out onto paper, words pouring out of the tip of my pencil with little to no serious effort. You’d think that this fact would calm me down a bit but the truth is, it doesn’t. At all. These aren’t just any essays, these are the essays. The essays that determine my future and whether or not I get into the school of my dreams.

I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, sit down and do what you just said you do so well: pour your heart out or whatever. It’s easy.”
Er- there is a problem though, Captain… I am horrified of sitting down and actually doing this!

The idea of sitting down and writing the essays that, as I said earlier, determine my future freaks the nails off my toes. I still can’t believe I’m a high school senior, much less come to terms with the idea that I might be living in Orange, California exactly one year from today! That being said, I also can’t come to terms with the idea that I might not be living in Orange, California exactly one year from today. It all depends on whether I get in or not, and the disappointment of not getting into Chapman University’s Dodge College of Film and Media Arts (the school I am passionate about getting into) horrifies me.

All I can do at this point is get started and really give it my all because applications to Dodge are due in November. That is in about two months.

*Hyperventilates*

Anyway, I did get started on my first essay today and I am liking where it is going so far. I just pray that I really get my point across and connect with whoever from the admissions office reads my paper! I started writing it today during my lunch period at school when I was struck across the face with the bat of inspiration. I pulled out my turquoise Mead college-ruled notebook and got to writing, all while eating my yumlicious lunch:

I made a ham and swiss cheese sandwich on German wheat-free pumpernickel bread with a side of mixed raw veggies and Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion dip.

That Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion seasoning mix is seriously BEAST. Beast in a good way of course. All you have to do is add the packet to 16 oz. of sour cream and it makes the perfect dip for chips, veggies, breads, even a whole sandwich!

All packed up!I love my Sistema “Lunch Cube-to-go.” It fits everything I need. (Yes, I have a thousand bajillion lunch boxes, you will see another one tomorrow).

I brought along a Goya coconut water drink with me in my backpack. This was a great way to wash everything down.
I am going to try to continue working on my college essay tonight since I only got the first two paragraphs half-done but overall I am satisfied with the fact that I even got started! As most people can attest, writing the first paragraph of a paper is the most challenging part. Writer’s block and a writer’s fear of writer’s block are the devil.

Unfortunately I have some Theatre Tech and precalculus homework to finish up first so off I go… to slave away… buh bye….

How to Use Soviet Assault Rifles Against Your “ED”

August 29, 2011 at 8:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments
Tags: AK-47, anorexia, assault rifles, banana, black bean chips, blog, bulimia, butter toffee almonds, eating disorder, ED, haagen dazs, healthy, ice cream, inspiration, japanese candy, karina pinzon, kasugai mangosteen gummy candy, lentils, like some cat from japan, loaf, moldy bread, nachos, pork chops, queso dip, rainbow sprinkles, recovery, salsa, salsa con queso, school lunches, soviet, starving, tostitos, udi's millet chia bread, vanilla, weak, wordpress

‘Ello friends (and maybe foes?)!

After being ill for the past week and a half, I have finally started to make the comeback to my energetic and slightly hyperactive usual self.

Returning back to a mucus-free brain has helped me start thinking clearly again which in turn has dissipated many of my fears from the beginning of last week. It is truly amazing how the voice of reason can silence the voice of ED, who suffers from acute foot-in-mouth syndrome, and really empower you to argue against its bits of “wisdom” and “advice.”

When it comes to battling the negative influence of an eating disorder, it is knowledge that can take on the role of a major weapon against succumbing to temptations proposed by the disorder. You do not want to sign a peace treaty with ED. You want to blow its brains out with an AK-47. This is not International Peace Studies 101, my amigos. This is war and common sense is your ammunition.

A rifle would work just as well.

This weekend, I used my common sense to resist a few opportunities that could have backpedaled my recovery and I am proud that I did not allow myself to follow these steps backward over a few small moments of stress.

For example, I sat in the car a large sum of my Saturday. ED attempted to trigger me into restricting because of this, whispering into my ear that my inactivity was going to morph into a layer of cottage cheese that would hug my thighs the way a pair of red tights does: AKA very tight and very noticeably. Using my knowledge of my body’s needs, I deracinated any power in ED’s influence by being armed with a strong retort.

“Being inactive does not give me a free pass to stop listening to my body and cut down on my normal food intake,” I growled at ED. “You are a douche bag and a know-it-all who tries to convince me of lies. I am aware that if I don’t listen to my body and start to restrict, I will end up losing weight and you know what? I don’t WANT that. YOU want that. I don’t want to be weak, grouchy, and even more vulnerable to you. Fu** off and let me enjoy my day.” I sure told him.

Apply the knowledge and common sense that you know you have and use that to argue with ED! This is one of the few occasions when being a complete smart ass is not only acceptable, but actually encouraged. So go on. Be an asshole… toward ED

But on another note, since I am unable to take (pretty) photographs of my breakfast and dinner due to unfortunate lighting and lack of time, I am going to start posting what I bring packed in my school lunches on a daily basis because I think that A) it could help people struggling get a grasp on what a “normal” packed lunch looks like and B) it could hopefully give anyone stuck in a rut some refreshing ideas!

Here is day numero uno….

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Monday
August 29, 2011

Originally, I wanted to make a sandwich so I opened my pantry to pull out a couple slices of Udi’s Millet Chia bread to find this in place of my precious loaf:

EXTRA TERRESTRIAL BREAD FROM PLANET UTAPAU!

Ewwwww. So basically, my dreams of a nice sandwich were crushed when I found a fully-settled colony of mold growing on my last slices of bread in the house. Luckily, I always have a plan B.

I pulled out my super seductive Darth Vadar lunch box and got to work on something I had been craving for a couple of days….NACHOS!

Well. At least my improvised version of the dish.

I grabbed two handfuls of black bean chips and got to work on my “queso” dip.

Karina’s Cold, Vegetabley, and Not-So-Gourmet Queso Dip
(This makes enough for one medium/smallish sized container)
3 large spoonfuls of Tostito’s Salsa con Queso Dip
1 large spoonful of Tostito’s Medium Chunky Salsa
Sliced pickled pencil asparagus spears
Sliced snack tomatoes

I also brought some of these...Kasugai Mangosteen Gummy candies, which I bought at a Japanese store while on a downtown shopping adventure.

This lunch was tasty but it didn’t fill me up as much as I’d thought it would so when I got home from school, I was REALLY hungry! It is 107 degrees here in Texas so I was in the mood for something cold and icy… nothing better than ice cream!

I topped two scoops of Haagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream with a sliced small banana, rainbow sprinkles, and crushed butter toffee almonds.

I think this was the best snack that I’ve ever had- like, ever.

I just finished dinner which was pineapple glazed pork chops, lentils, and sauteed asian vegetables and I am about to go finish homework and hopefully play some WoW! I’ve been working hard at school and deserve a break.

Hasta manana!