Where the Flax is My Flaxin’ Coconut?

September 3, 2011 at 8:51 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments
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Hey you.. bringing that spoonful of unidentified soup to your lips, where is the rest of your lunch? Hm?

And what about you? Yes, I’m talking to you; watching you dip your celery stick into that cup of reduced-fat ranch. Didn’t you bring anything else to eat?

7:00 A.M. on my way out the door

Staring down at my stuffed ham & cheese sandwich and limon potato chips, I began to feel self-conscious and started questioning the food choices I felt so confident about just earlier that morning. What ever changed my mind?

As I sucked the lemon flavored residue off my finger tips, I observed the room and people around me, surveying the food my peers were lunching on.

The cartons of kung pao chicken, boxes of individual pizzas, and plastic bowls of macaroni and cheese all settled indifferently into the background. What really stood out to me were the lone cereal bars, vegetable cups, and “100 calorie packs” that I was seeing scattered about without accompaniments.

I could not help but get that all too familiar feeling where my stomach coils into one giant, tight and unforgivable knot. I had been triggered.

The temptation to toss away half of my ham sandwich- the one I had so lovingly made with my favorite Udi’s bread- was overwhelming. The room was caving in around me and the students chomping on their raw carrots in front of me blurred to a faint splash of fading water colors. All of my senses weakened and all I could hear was a muffled voice, almost a whisper, telling me to toss my meal. I knew this feeling all too well. It was ED, making his dramatic and always memorable entrance… but I seemed to be the only one to notice his presence, and I wanted it gone.

This realization immediately perked me back to attention and interrupted ED’s extravagant arrival to the lunch room. Returning to a clear and rational mind allowed me to raise questions about what had just happened. It did not take long for me to understand the reason ED had crept in momentarily though. It was as clear as the piercing retainer sitting in my left nostril: I was affected by the way a few of my peers were eating.

The competitive side of my eating disorder was stirred when I noticed these few students eating less than me on a daily basis. On the first day I gave them the benefit of the doubt assuming that they simply weren’t hungry, but when their scanty eating became an everyday event, I truly started to take notice and it struck a negative chord with me.

But then something clicked.

Who am I? I’m Karina Pinzon.
Who are they? Well, they are Sally, Suzie, Jillian, and Betty Lou… or, whatever.
Are they in recovery from an eating disorder? Uhh.. no, probably not.
Do they have the same needs that I, Karina Pinzon, do? Er- no. Everyone is different.
How do I know that they are not simply snacking at lunch because they get out of school and hit up the restaurants down the road instead? I actually don’t know that… you have a point. They may eat something the second they get out school that makes up for their scanty eating.

Questioning my irrational thoughts really put things in perspective for me. I should not allow the eating habits of others affect me because the truth is, I do not know what they eat or do outside of school. I do not know what their lifestyle choices outside of the lunch room are. I do not know whether or not they are having a full meal when the last bell rings, and I do not know what they eat before they arrive at school either. I do not know the facts behind these people’s lives so how would it be fair for me to compare myself to them?

I am an individual. To restrict my diet and hurt myself because of somebody else’s choices is frankly, stupid. I would be short-changing myself in the biggest way by damaging all my progress over what someone else does. Right then and there, I looked those vegetable chompers and soup sippers straight in the eye and took a tremendous bite out of my sandwich. I know they meant no harm nor had any clue of how their eating affected me but- I wanted to show them I was stronger.

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On another note, something really flippin’ awesome happened to me yesterday…

Udi’s sent me 2 loaves of millet chia bread for free!

Now, before you get jealous, let me explain. Remember how in my one of my recent posts I posted a picture of my extra-terrestrial slice of mold populated horror story monster movie bread? Well, Udi’s saw my post and offered to send me a replacement loaf for free! I was already impressed with how much they cared about their customers but when I received not one, but two loaves, my love for the company blew up to the size of a hot air balloon. It is so amazing to find a company that, like I said, cares SO much about their customers. They truly are an amazing food company and I personally think they make some of the best Gluten-free products out there. LETS ALL CLAP FOR UDI’S. YEAH!?

Anyway, the past three days have been insanely crazy hence the lack of posting. How am I expected to focus on college applications (and blogging :P ) if I am assigned a metric shitload of school work? HELLOOO!? *sigh* Here are my past three days of lunches…

W E D N E S D A YCampbell’s Southwestern-style Vegetable soup, Glenny’s ranch soy chips, and….Cookies! I packed 4 chocolate creme KinniToos.All inside my Pucca lunch box.

T H U R S D A YPeanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich…accompanied by a plumcot and carrots….and some utterly delicious chocolate milk.

Another noteworthy food worth mentioning was this chocolate cream pie I had at Target after school let out…Why is pie so delicious?

F R I D A YI used what was left of my Udi’s millet chia bread (luckily I got my wonderful package from Udi’s yesterday so I don’t have to travel 50 minutes just to get some more.. seriously, I am so thankful) and made a ham, swiss cheese, spicy mayo, asparagus, and roasted red pepper sandwich.I brought Lay’s Limon potato chips on the side.

I went to the grocery store with my mother after school and there was a freakin’ “create your own granola” bar (you grab their granola base and choose your mix ins) in the middle of my local super market. SO random. I would expect that at a place like Whole Foods or someplace fancier but… H-E-B? Interesting! I caved and made two granolas:

I’m going to call this “Pumpking Some Chocolate.” (Get? Like, pumping gas… only pumpking chocolate… hah. hah..) It is made with the granola base mixed with chocolate chips, raisins, and pumpkin seeds.

And I’m going to call this one “Where the Flax is My Flaxin’ Coconut?” This one consists of the granola base with yogurt covered raisins, peanut butter chips, shredded coconut, and flax seeds.

Okay. So my granolas are more desserty than anything but whatever. Who said I can’t eat chocolate and peanut butter chips at breakfast? I don’t hear anyone protesting.

Today is Saturday and I plan on doing a whole lot of homework and a whole lot of bedroom redecorating. Yes. I am changing my bedroom furniture and walls for the millionth time so I’m going to go eat breakfast and get started with my day. Thank God it is a three-day weekend! Everyone enjoy their labor day :)

How to Use Soviet Assault Rifles Against Your “ED”

August 29, 2011 at 8:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments
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‘Ello friends (and maybe foes?)!

After being ill for the past week and a half, I have finally started to make the comeback to my energetic and slightly hyperactive usual self.

Returning back to a mucus-free brain has helped me start thinking clearly again which in turn has dissipated many of my fears from the beginning of last week. It is truly amazing how the voice of reason can silence the voice of ED, who suffers from acute foot-in-mouth syndrome, and really empower you to argue against its bits of “wisdom” and “advice.”

When it comes to battling the negative influence of an eating disorder, it is knowledge that can take on the role of a major weapon against succumbing to temptations proposed by the disorder. You do not want to sign a peace treaty with ED. You want to blow its brains out with an AK-47. This is not International Peace Studies 101, my amigos. This is war and common sense is your ammunition.

A rifle would work just as well.

This weekend, I used my common sense to resist a few opportunities that could have backpedaled my recovery and I am proud that I did not allow myself to follow these steps backward over a few small moments of stress.

For example, I sat in the car a large sum of my Saturday. ED attempted to trigger me into restricting because of this, whispering into my ear that my inactivity was going to morph into a layer of cottage cheese that would hug my thighs the way a pair of red tights does: AKA very tight and very noticeably. Using my knowledge of my body’s needs, I deracinated any power in ED’s influence by being armed with a strong retort.

“Being inactive does not give me a free pass to stop listening to my body and cut down on my normal food intake,” I growled at ED. “You are a douche bag and a know-it-all who tries to convince me of lies. I am aware that if I don’t listen to my body and start to restrict, I will end up losing weight and you know what? I don’t WANT that. YOU want that. I don’t want to be weak, grouchy, and even more vulnerable to you. Fu** off and let me enjoy my day.” I sure told him.

Apply the knowledge and common sense that you know you have and use that to argue with ED! This is one of the few occasions when being a complete smart ass is not only acceptable, but actually encouraged. So go on. Be an asshole… toward ED :)

But on another note, since I am unable to take (pretty) photographs of my breakfast and dinner due to unfortunate lighting and lack of time, I am going to start posting what I bring packed in my school lunches on a daily basis because I think that A) it could help people struggling get a grasp on what a “normal” packed lunch looks like and B) it could hopefully give anyone stuck in a rut some refreshing ideas!

Here is day numero uno….

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Monday
August 29, 2011

Originally, I wanted to make a sandwich so I opened my pantry to pull out a couple slices of Udi’s Millet Chia bread to find this in place of my precious loaf:

EXTRA TERRESTRIAL BREAD FROM PLANET UTAPAU!

Ewwwww. So basically, my dreams of a nice sandwich were crushed when I found a fully-settled colony of mold growing on my last slices of bread in the house. Luckily, I always have a plan B.

I pulled out my super seductive Darth Vadar lunch box and got to work on something I had been craving for a couple of days….NACHOS!

Well. At least my improvised version of the dish.

I grabbed two handfuls of black bean chips and got to work on my “queso” dip.

Karina’s Cold, Vegetabley, and Not-So-Gourmet Queso Dip
(This makes enough for one medium/smallish sized container)
  3 large spoonfuls of Tostito’s Salsa con Queso Dip
1 large spoonful of Tostito’s Medium Chunky Salsa
Sliced pickled pencil asparagus spears
Sliced snack tomatoes

I also brought some of these...Kasugai Mangosteen Gummy candies, which I bought at a Japanese store while on a downtown shopping adventure.

This lunch was tasty but it didn’t fill me up as much as I’d thought it would so when I got home from school, I was REALLY hungry! It is 107 degrees here in Texas so I was in the mood for something cold and icy… nothing better than ice cream!

I topped two scoops of Haagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream with a sliced small banana, rainbow sprinkles, and crushed butter toffee almonds.

I think this was the best snack that I’ve ever had- like, ever.

I just finished dinner which was pineapple glazed pork chops, lentils, and sauteed asian vegetables and I am about to go finish homework and hopefully play some WoW! I’ve been working hard at school and deserve a break.

Hasta manana!

Uncomfortably Awkward

August 25, 2011 at 8:57 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments
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Uncomfortably awkward.

The English language does not house a more accurate marriage of words than those two to describe the- well, uncomfortably awkward conditions of my 3rd period class today.

In the grave quiet of Mr. Bananapants’s* 12th grade government period, my body was behaving like the four year old rascal it most definitely is not anymore. My nose ran like a cross country runner, my stomach grumbled at a thousand decibels, and my throat itched like a bad yeast infection…. and I had zero control over it.
*names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals mentioned

I mentally urged it to stop (as if THAT was going to work) but like the undisciplined child it was behaving as, my pleads seemed to be inaudible and of zilch importance to it. Thanks, body. Thanks.

On the airplane ride back from my vacation to Las Vegas and California (which was fabulous, by the way!), I must have contracted some sort of beastly disease because for the past week since I arrived home, I’ve been D.Y.I.N.G and guess what? Dying Young Is Not Good :P .

Not only can I hardly breathe, which is – like – one of my favorite activities, but I cannot even function without what seems like a martini glass full of Tylenol-Cold nor open my eyes to their full capacity! HOWEVER, due to my burning and oh-so-passionate desire to learn and sit in a classroom with other stinky high schoolers, I have returned to school with a positive attitude for yet another year of school work, romance, and challenges of all calibers.

It may seem like I have this enviable breezy outlook about it all but the reality is- I’m scared shitless. I went from a school year of four periods a day, eating lunch in the comfort of my home, and exercising double-time (before I was banned from exercise, that is) to a school year of full-time hours, a packed lunch in a school environment, and zero exercise.We are talking a lifestyle change that seems like two planets light years apart to me.

Going back to school at all last year was a huge step for me but it was time to step things up and out of my comfort zone this time around. I’m really proud of myself because….

Here I am, Karina Pinzon, as a high school senior.

One year ago today, I’d tell you I didn’t think I’d make it to the 12th grade. After a full year of being on medical leave from school and being stuck in a negative mindset that lacked all faith, I was almost sure I would end up withdrawing yet again and remain an ungraduated junior forever. All I wanted to do one year ago today was dance and die dancing. The school environment was one that petrified me – or should I say my eating disorder? – because it meant stepping out of my little cage and doing something that ED had no power to control. School meant facing real issues and real thinking work, and lets face it… ED does not like us to think- at least not for ourselves.

But thanks to my recovery team, family and my own inner strength, I made it. I made sacrifices. I made decisions. I made sense of things. And because of that, I’m a high school senior now! My sophomore and junior years, which are littered with parcels of my Anorexia, are in the past now.

That is not to say my year is going to be free of challenges and clear of my eating disorder – I still struggle just like many of you readers – but I’m in control and I feel empowered to push myself. Just as I am going to school full-time like a normal young adult, I am going to continue making it my goal to think like a normal young adult as well.

I need to live life to the fullest and stop fearing paltry things like school lunches and limited eating times. I need to keep moving on and away. And I am SO ready!

Here’s to a great 2011-2012 school year :)

The Days of Chill

July 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
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    The beginning of summer break sure made life easy.

    The graduation parties seemed endless, the get-togethers fell one after the other, and the summer heat was not yet at its most sadistic. It appeared to be the perfect formula for the perfect summer and I was ready for it to stay that way for the next three months- three months of good friends, good drinks (like freshly squeezed lemonade, duh), and good times. August could not seem further away.

    Now, call me crazy all you want, but the best part of it all was the drama I had going on at the time and when I say drama, I mean bona-fide honest-to-goodness drama.

    Yes, readers. I just said that the best part of the beginning of my summer was the drama. No worries though, it was nothing pressing nor hugely momentous. It was just, you know, big. Unfamiliar. Different.

    If I were to place myself back to the inception of summer vacation and look back six months earlier, I would have told the general public that there was zero drama in my life. Por que, you might ask? Porque my drama would have been a shameful little secret that I would not care to share.

    I wish I had the ability to eloquently put into words how amazing it feels to go from worrying about the repugnant Mr. ED to worrying about the alluring Mr. Right but it is simply something indefinable. The feeling and the excitement that comes from actively witnessing this change in state of mindset is utterly sublime and is something you must experience for yourself. Don’t let me spoil the feeling for you.

    Well. Let me spoil it for you just a little bit.

    Allow me to take you on a ride back to the past, yes? Back to those delicious times before you ever even acquaintanced Mr. ED, before you even befriended insecurity, and before you ever stole a kiss from self-hatred. I want to take you back to those times when your purpose for waking up for school in the mornings was not to learn your times tables nor take notes over long division, but to see that special someone who made your knees go weak and made your stomach melt to mush. We all remember our first crushes. Don’t even try to utter the colossal lie that you’ve never once felt that fleeting flicker in your gut and that pounding beating in your heart over another earthling. Don’t even try. We have all felt it. We have all beared it.

    And sure those crushes hurt when they were unrequited but it’s undebatable that all those crushes added some excitement, some vibrant color to our otherwise (possibly) monotonous lives.

    I understand, however, if perhaps romance never took up a jumbo slice of your life. Perhaps your friends and family were number one, or maybe your grades were the larger drive behind your existence. Whatever it was, the truth of the matter is that all those things that pushed you, that gave your life its tang took a backseat when ED came into the picture. They all ceased to matter as much, and gradually waned and faded to a hollow blur.

    AND I HATE THAT. I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE TO LOSE ITS TANG.

  My life at the moment is still rather tangy. Its got a bit of zest, a bit of bite. Kind of like a Wonka Fruit Runt. But I liked it better when it was more like a….. Sour Skittle.

I’ve always been drawn to the Sour Skittle’s perfect matrimony between sweet and sour, the way they flawlessy intertwine to create an acidic gem of crunchy yet chewy perfection that scorches your tongue if you go a little overboard. I like that pinch of danger in my life but now that summer is halfway over, it seems to have dulled out a little.

    At the beginning of summer, the fever of freedom was passionately burning. I had some hot summer flings and everyone wanted to hang out, party, and play hard but now… everyone wants to chill (that and my summer flings are not as hot anymore).

    Don’t get me wrong, my chilling abilities have vastly improved since the peak of my illness but I am still far from being a virtuoso at chilling. I’m practically still a novice.

    I detest that awful drive inside of me that pushes me to believe that I always have to be busy, that I always have to have plans, that I always have to stay productive, and that I always have to do something. What ever happened to the careless life I had in the days of yore where I could stay at home and play on the computer or watch TV all day if nothing “good” came up? What ever happened to “the days of chill?”

    I very animatedly spoke to my psychologist about this subject yesterday and how annoyed I am about the death of my ability to veg out and hang loose (ha. ha.). I expressed to him that I feel very pressured and almost even triggered now that I’m stuck in this span that lacks constant plans and where I don’t have the safety and comfort of a set schedule such as the one I had when I was in school/party mode. I discovered something big yesterday in my session with my therapist: I use a busy calendar as a diversion from my Eating Disorder. The hustle and bustle of activity is my crutch.

    Well, eff you.

    Guess what I am doing today? Chilling, because I have been given a homework assignment to do just that.

Meet my cousin Sebastian. This is half of his face.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. It is critical to recovery, whether you are weight recovered or not, to do the opposite of what your disorder instructs you to do. Challenging yourself is crucial no matter what stage of recovery you are in. I may be doing very well but if I want to continue to do well and improve, I need to continue challenging myself and never stop, even when I feel ED is gone and far away. I can’t write myself off as recovered and give up everything I have learned. Ever. So here I am, completing my homework assignment.

    So what is my day going to look like? I’m seeing lots of movies, ice cream and World of Warcraft sessions in my immediate future today and I know ED is going to try to make me feel guilty about it at some point BUT…. I’m going to take my psychologist’s advice and block him out, throwing a few “shut ups” and “eff yous” his way. His complaints just don’t belong in my life. I don’t have to do something every. single. damn. day. Even if ED says so.

    So ciao, my friends! I’m off to go chill and I highly suggest you stay in and do the same. I know I’m not alone in this struggle :)

Remember me?

July 17, 2011 at 2:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments
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Hi. My name is Karina Pinzon. I’m not sure if any of you remember me, or care to remember me, or want to remember me, or plan to engage in any type of remembrance of me but here I am. In the flesh. Sort of.


As some of you may or may not know, I was once one of these:

http://www.antiquepals.com/mediac/400_0/media/8e567c0b8f255d63ffff932affffffdb.JPG

No. I was not literally a Barbie doll, that would be bizarre, but similar to the famous Barbie doll, I was once an empty shell controlled by greater forces surrounding me. If my master pushed my arm above my head, my arm would stretch above my head and remain there until he pushed it down. If my master rolled my head to face the ground, my eyes would point directly down, never looking up… unless I was instructed to.

In those times, I had no idea nor conception of what freedom of choice was anymore. Could I even be referred to as a human? Hardly so.

Don’t humans have the right to walk where they want, talk to who they want, place their arms where they want, and turn their heads where they want? Isn’t that what differentiates humans from inanimate objects? Our free-will? Our autonomy?

Isn’t that also what makes life so wonderful? The right to do whatever we want, in moderation, is what gives life its purpose! We have the entitlement to plan what we want to do with our time: Do we want to waste it or make the most of it? Do we want to break the law or play fairly by the rules? Do we want eggs or bacon this morning? Both? It is our choice. Everyday there is a choice… or thousands.

And that’s the thing I’ve discovered since I’ve been away from this blog, Like Some Cat from Japan. I have choices. I have independence. I wasn’t born a plastic toy with nylon hair and mislaid genitals. I was born a screaming, bloody bundle of life, pulled from another human’s fluid saturated womb.

Perhaps that sounds crude but that’s reality. And I like reality.

I used to shy away from reality, fear it even. It was something I fled from for years. I lived so afraid of facing the real world and getting hurt that I looked for ways to distract myself from coming close to it. I went as far as stacking up a towering wall and barricading myself behind it but there was something about that wall that was distinct. It was invisible and disguised itself as a spell that cast itself onto me.

Rather than beat around the bush and sugar coat it, I will say it straight: I suffered from an Eating Disorder. I still have Eating Disorder, since it doesn’t just disappear with a snap of the fingers, but I can tell you this: I ain’t suffering anymore, baby. I’m living.

It wasn’t that difficult to pull myself out of the hole I was squirreled away in and reach a place where I was “functionable” and could trek alongside civilization. I could do that. I could merely exist. That was easy.

It was a hell of a lot more difficult, however, hauling myself out of existence and into experiencing. Now that was the big fat challenge. That was the big showdown. It was a showdown between me and ED and all his little friends.

It may not have been as stylized a battle as the one between The Bride and The Crazy 88’s but it was equally intense and far more raw, gritty, and bloody I tell you. I have no video proof but this battle was bad. It was u-g-l-y.

I made it through alive and well to tell the tale but honestly, I don’t want to talk about it that much. I don’t want to be the “Eating Disorder Girl.” That is in the past. I want to be Karina, who is someone I have not been in years. And Karina is not an “Eating Disorder Girl.”

I’m not saying I want to forget about my past, for it helped shape who I am today, but I simply want to leave it where it belongs: in the past. I do not want it to haunt my present and I especially do not want it to haunt my future. I just want to move on and be Karina, who by the way, I’ve never given enough credit to. The majority of my life I beat that girl down and spit on her dying carcass when truthfully, that is the last thing she deserved. Sure, she is flawed and vulnerable but that is what makes her so real. That is what makes her so beautiful. Yes. I just called myself beautiful. And that’s okay. It is okay to love yourself.

I feel so thankful to have been given a second chance at my life… a second chance to move on and start anew, to start a new life where food, calories, and meal planning do not rule nor waste my time and I’d like to take you readers along to show you what life is truly like… since I know that many of you are aware that you are not living. But for those of you who are living, celebrate with me! Lets live! Sure, it’ll hurt sometimes but it will also be pleasurable at other times. When? I do not know. But I do know that it is okay to hurt and it is okay to be scared about where our lives are going. It is how we handle these fears that determines whether we are happy or not. Life is spontaneous and unexpected. It is never predictable despite what people may say.


I’m glad to be back and I hope I still have people to share my experiences with. Lets do this.

A Little Bit Sexual

May 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments
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Meet Anorexia:

April 5, 2011 at 5:31 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments
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An Update on My Recovery….

March 31, 2011 at 7:32 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments
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Hi everyone! I apologize for my absence both on my blog and on my formspring.
I made a video explaining everything and more (which I posted below), and I hope you all can forgive me for going away without any notice. I care about you all a lot and have not forgotten about my readers! I could never.

Please excuse my prattling as I do tend to ramble :P

I love you all, please stay strong and never stop fighting. I may return to my Formspring slowly but I have been hesitant to start up again as I have 656 unanswered questions in my inbox as I write this… As much as I LOVE being included and thought about, the group questions that I have been receiving are partially responsible for the backlog. I would really like to continue answering questions but it is just too difficult to keep up when I start receiving 13 questions at once from ONE person… and they aren’t even questions aimed towards ME. They just feel kind of impersonal so please, if you could hold off on including me in group questions, I would really appreciate it :) I hope you all understand!

Take care, my loves.

A Diary Entry’s End

February 27, 2011 at 8:45 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments
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Today I’d like to share with you guys an excerpt from an entry I wrote in my personal journal. Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time sharing my struggles with people and keeping everything bottled up inside is killing me… I needed to get this off of my chest:

“Sometimes I feel like my entire persona is a front and nobody ever sees the real me unless I am writing or showing my grief through my body’s appearance. I’m always either super upbeat and bubbly or as quiet and vulnerable as a pet turtle. Not to say that I’m not a bubbly person and not to say that I’m not a vulnerable person, but I feel like these only two “sides” that I show the public are keeping me from revealing my true self and that is hurting me.

I guess I WANT people to see how much I hurt. I WANT people to understand the turmoil I feel on a daily basis, but I do not know how to express it. I’m tired of putting on a happy face for others and keeping all this pain lodged inside of me like a wad of thick thorns because doing this is eating away at every last bit of me.

For the longest time, the only way I knew how to express my misery to others was by showing them my interpretation of “misery”… and in my mind, “misery” looked like a withered corpse. In my disordered mind, by slowly disappearing, I thought I was effectively demonstrating people how my pain was feasting on me and in my disordered mind, that explained exactly why I was growing smaller and smaller like a morsel of food on a supper plate.

As macabre as it sounds, that is how my mind worked… and unfortunately, still does.

I have no idea how to share with others how I feel in a constructive manner. The closest I can get to exposing to others my inner feelings at this point (other than by writing) is by throwing fits and tantrums such as the one I threw the other night in the privacy of my own home. Sure, at least I have writing to express myself but I can’t keep a typewriter or word document by my side at all times, now can I?

No one would ever imagine that the effervescent and collected girl they see in public often throws herself on her bed, red faced and screaming with mascara streaming down her cheeks, crying “I hate my life! I hate everything! I hate being me!” at the top of her lungs. Despite getting my feelings out in a very direct manner this way, there is absolutely nothing healthy about these outbursts of mine

What makes me the most sad about all this, however, is not my own situation, but the fact that I know there must be so many others struggling like this behind closed doors. Who knows how many other people are suffering in agony behind their projected smiles? Who’s to say their smiles aren’t fake, such as my own?

Throughout my recovery, I want to learn how to let go and show the world my true colors. If I’m feeling sad, I’ll show it. I’ll show it to others and feel no shame. If I’m feeling happy, I will show those bright colors too and it will mean so much more because my smiles will be real and only appear when they are felt from within. How much does a genuine smile light up a room?

A lot.

I want to light up a room someday.”

-February 2011

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Despite using my blog as a sort of personal journal, I have used a separate journal throughout my journey to further vent all of the emotions recovery puts me through. That was one of my latest entries. Every day (yes, even the “good” days) is a battle between my ED and I. Every day is a challenge to disobey him and every day is an arduous struggle between what I want and what ED wants. Every day, I am faced with choices.

“My grandmother always used to tell me as a child that two paths existed in the afterlife: the path to heaven and the path to hell. The path to hell was bejeweled with flowers and people frolicking through paddocks whilst they laughed and smoked. The path to heaven was scattered with barbwire and thorns that’d prick one’s feet.

We could easily give up and take ED’s hand; follow him right down the bright, blossomed road to hell just because it’d be far less demanding on him. Far more “comfortable.”

But where does this simple path ultimately lead? Hell.

It is much more worth it to prick one’s feet and wipe the blood off our bruises when the reward in the end is heaven, happiness, and freedom. Not some fiery pit of torment and death.”
-Heaven? or Hell?

We are forced to make a choice between taking the easy way out (where ED will be comfortable and secure), or taking the strenuous and emotional journey out (where ED will inevitably suffer). As warriors in recovery, we have already chosen the latter and have come to terms with the inescapable thorns that will prick our feet and the blood that will pour from our battle wounds. It is all a part of the process… the process that leads to our freedom.

Today my battle is simple in essence yet difficult to accomplish: I must get back on track and make my meal plan. You guys, I am not perfect. I slip up too… and I slipped up this weekend.

In addition to my daily calorie goal, I must drink an Ensure or Boost Plus every day. My nutritionist left me room to be flexible, however, and told me that like normal people, I am allowed to treat myself to extra special meals and replace my daily supplement with 360 calories elsewhere on the days I choose. This means that I have the freedom on certain days to not have my Ensure/Boost IF I make up for it with a special meal or treat. I had planned on Saturday being one of those days because I was going to challenge myself to a milkshake or Blizzard from Dairy Queen…. but it ended up not working out. (Shockers: life is unpredictable! ED is evil!)

I felt very guilty about not making my meal plan and wanted to rip my hair out for not being perfect but then I realized something. Even though it wasn’t a 100% “successful” day, I excelled in other areas that day so I must give myself props for that and not beat myself up  (I just have to make sure it doesn’t happen again). Even though the Dairy Queen challenge did not happen, another very monumental challenge did: I challenged myself to one of my former favorite foods: cheese sticks at Chili’s! Read fried mozzarella cheese sticks!

They were so so good. Biting into their crispy flesh and seeping into their gooey innards felt so damn delicious and I should congratulate myself for finding the strength to make this challenge happen. Karina wanted to reunite with them so badly and you know what? I have bragging rights… Anytime we challenge ourselves, we have the right to brag! No shame! It is so amazing when we do something that severs a tie between ourselves and ED.

And even though Saturday was not 100% recovery perfection (as if that even exists!), today is a fresh new day and do you know how I started it off? With a nice, cold bottle of Boost Plus.

I made the choice this morning to go down the arduous, prickly path to freedom and let go of ED’s grip. Good choice.

Good day.

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Anyway, recovering from an Eating Disorder requires eating… DURRR! So here are some of my best eats:

Wednesday, February 23: Toasted sandwich on German rye bread stuffed with hickory smoked Tofurky, dried cranberries, mayonnaise, tomato slices, spinach, and goat cheese. A side of vegetable soup and mixed berries with whipped cream (not pictured) on the side.

That Wednesday evening, my family and I ate at California Pizza Kitchen where I shared the Roasted Artichoke pizza and the Field Greens salad (with dressing and everything!) with my mom. This was such a delicious meal! CPK takes the cake as the best pizza ever in my heart.

Thursday, February 24: Breakfast was Fromage Blanc topped with vanilla almond granola, Nutlettes, almond butter, and a large sliced banana.

For lunch, I went to Jason’s Deli. Guess what I had? An old favorite: RESTAURANT GRILLED CHEESE! From ages 3-14, my favorite meal at every restaurant was a grilled cheese sandwich. I STILL love grilled cheese sandwiches and can say that they are in my top 5 favorite foods. Sure, I make them at home quite often but this was my first restaurant grilled cheese in ages. It brought back so many memories…I had the grilled cheese sandwich with a side of ruffled potato chips and steamed vegetables. A totally balanced and nourishing meal <3

After dinner that night, I finally had the container of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream that had been sitting in my freezer for over a month. ED had been cowering in fear of it but I finally sent him to hell and devoured it! It was so delicious!

Friday, February 25: I was in the mood for an old favorite…. carrot cake oats! I cooked my oats in vanilla almond milk, 1/2 a whipped banana, cinnamon, maple syrup, and 1/2 serving of vanilla protein powder. Then I added crystallized ginger, shredded baby carrots, almond butter, and a dollop of cream cheese.

For lunch, my family and I ate at La Madeleine.I started off with vegetable soup… ordered a spinach, tomato, and mushroom omelette, and had a fruit & yogurt muesli parfait for dessert!This meal was delicious but made me feel very anxious and I had a small panic attack afterward :/. I felt so guilty after eating this because I felt extremely full. ED just does not want to come to accept fullness yet. Every time I am full beyond my comfort level, he beats me up and makes me feel horrible about it. I was almost crying because of how awful I felt… not only physically but also mentally. I know that what I am doing is saving my life, however, and I am keeping my eyes on the prize of freedom. This discomfort will be worth it in the end. It truly will be.

That night, along with my black bean veggie burger and broccoli/ketchup, I shared the order of fried cheese at Chili’s with my mother!Everyone was in a really good mood and I felt no guilt whatsoever. In fact, although the cheese sticks were delicious, they could have been a little greasier ;) . They just weren’t juicy enough for KARINA’s taste!
It is ridiculous how ED can make us feel guilty about something like fruit, eggs, and a yogurt parfait and then not even come to bother us when we eat something like cheese sticks. He is so irrational and flaky…. I’m glad he didn’t come to ruin this meal for me though!

Hopefully he won’t be around to ruin any more good meals. I don’t deserve the torture he puts me through. None of us do.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Kick some ass, claim your life back, and have a beautiful Monday tomorrow :)

Ciao for now!

P.S. I have a little message for the the people who continue to send me cruel, immature, and insensitive Formspring comments on a daily basis…..

SUCK MY….BANANA!

Yeah. I can get rude too.

I’ll Make It Tomorrow? No, I’ll Make It Today.

February 10, 2011 at 6:06 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 26 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

With her stomach gnarled into a coiled knot, Karina Pinzon stepped hesitantly onto the scale before her. It was time for her weekly weigh-in and in her case, that once insignificant number spurted by the scale’s reading could determine her future.

She had no idea what the scale would read today. Every time she visited her dietitian, the outcome of her weigh-in was as unpredictable as a round of Russian Roulette: one odd move and she could be gone.


“Congratulations,” clapped her dietitian. “You made it! You’re done gaining weight!”

Karina felt the knot in her stomach expand to the size of a swollen, severed head. She could feel the rotting of delicate flesh and the birth of wriggling maggots stirring inside her gut, gnawing at her insides. It was as though the world around her began to blanch out of sight and dimmed to a subdued and gossamer mirage before her eyes.

“Already?” she managed to slur. The scale she stood on and the room she stood in grew further and further from her conscience.

“You were never underweight, Karina. It was all a lie.”

“What?“

“You were never thin enough to be anorexic. You are a joke. It’s all over now though. You don’t need to see us anymore.”

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=pain&order=9&offset=120#/dmb7p6

The pain Karina felt in bottom of her chest was inconceivable. Her heart had been pierced with the razored edge of deceit and nothing could ever mend the hole her recovery team, who had become honored members of the scarce group of people she trusted, just bore inside her.

“Air,” Karina breathed. “I-I need air.”

Too overturned to fret over her shoelaces, Karina slipped on her sneakers and stormed out of her dietitian’s office, running toward the second floor’s staircase.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=staircase&order=9&offset=48#/d2562hb

As she cantered down the staircase, her eyes went a-blur with tears. Losing all view of her surroundings, she began to stumble down the stairs, blindfolded. As she approached the last remaining steps, each step as steep as cliff tops, her untied shoelaces tangled beneath her foot, sending her crashing toward the floor and-

Karina shot straight up from her sleep, her heart pounding and her chest panting, She gazed around the room, sitting in the darkness, and fumbled about for her lamp’s light switch.

Once her bedroom was illuminated and seized to look so menacing, she wiped the sweat off her forehead and began to reflect back on her nightmare. Karina was a firm believer that dreams were a reflection of the subconscious mind and she found that analyzing her darkest dreams could reveal some dire information about her psyche.

It didn’t take her long, however, to interpret the true meaning behind her dream.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=monster%20bed&order=9&offset=24#/duyha9

Karina’s dietitian was not trying to dupe her and neither was she at a healthy weight yet. The entire night terror was a lie and the only person deceiving Karina was herself.

Night after night would come along and she would always tell herself, “I’ll make it tomorrow” whenever she tallied up her calories at the end of each evening. The following night would arrive and she would end up repeating those same words to herself yet again.

For the last three weeks, Karina was only coming close to meeting her daily caloric quota but when it came to repairing her body and her mind, coming “close” was just not good enough.

Not only was this coming “close” syndrome of hers not allowing her body and metabolism to repair themselves to the fullest, but it was also keeping her in a wretched “safe” zone. ED loved it when she half-assed her meal plan and didn’t quite make her daily calorie quota because by staying under even just 50 calories, it was still winning. It was still in control no matter how small the difference was.

What Karina needed to do was clear.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=pull%20weeds&order=9&offset=24#/d202dfw

Karina needed to yank ED from its comfort zone like an unwanted weed from the Earth. By being honest with herself and actually going above her goal (even by just 50 calories!), she would be doing just that. She would be defying it. She would be plucking ED from the roots of self-control it had so menacingly sown itself.

Karina glanced over at the clock ticking tirelessly on her night table. The time read 3:55 A.M.: only two hours left before a new day began for Karina Pinzon.

She flicked off the night lamp and settled herself back onto her pillow. Only two more hours… only two more hours until she could start over and make the new day a success.

Two hours later, at 5:55 A.M., Karina awoke with a fresh fervor and passion to better her recovery. With the help of a friend, her family, her inner-self, and her triggering nightmare, Karina began to accomplish her calorie goal for real from then on, even going a bit over her quota each night just to give ED’s ass a little kick.

The cycle of deceiving herself was over.

The End.

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Food

I have attacked more food-related challenges in the past three weeks than I have in my entire recovery. By allowing myself to eat the foods that I truly enjoy instead of depriving myself of them, I have broken more irrational food fears than I could have ever imagined!  To think that I used to try to convince myself that I did not enjoy butter, ice cream, salad dressings, and chocolate just so that I could avoid them bewilders me. I can not imagine life without them now.

On the exercise topic, I’m not going to lie… life without it has been hard and I honestly feel so lost without it. As I developed an addiction to exercise in my past recovery, I lost all touch with the person I truly am and rediscovering “inactive” interests for myself has been difficult. The anxiety I feel when I try to sit down and watch TV is unbearable and I am trying very hard to control this anxiety and learn to settle down. That is one of my top long-term goals for my healing right now: learn to relax and honor my body.

Despite how frustrated I feel to be sedentary at times, I feel so relieved without the gym in my life. I feel so relieved to no longer have to be a slave to the exercise monster living inside of my head. Just the other day, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a beauty salon near my ballet studio, and just being in the same area brought me so much anxiety and awful memories. I miss the days where I could dance and not think about burning calories… the days when dance was an art form for me. Hopefully when I am done with my recovery journey, ballet can be an art to me again.

Anyway, now for some memorable moments of cuisine from this past week (the foods shown were not eaten consecutively but randomly throughout the week)…

A bowl of mixed berries with cottage cheese and a grilled cheese sandwich made with fresh mozzarella cheese with some raspberry jam for dipping.

Kashi Mayan Harvest Bake frozen meal, which is exceptional. With it, vanilla soy milk with Mary’s sea salt Sticks & Twigs and sliced brie spread with raspberry preserves.

Super Kohinoor Awadhi Aloo Mutter with Gardein beef tips grilled in olive oil.

Glutenfreeda Vegetarian & Dairy-Free burrito and lentil soup with a salad of greens with Hidden Valley Savory Bleu Cheese dressing and sliced Morningstar breakfast links. After this meal, I had a cup of Siviero Maria Bacio gelato for dessert.
Divine!

A Boca Original burger patty sliced & stuffed with a blended mixture of cream cheese, onion, garlic, parsley, and mozzarella cheese then grilled in olive oil until the stuffing inside the patty melted. The burger patty was sandwiched between rye toast along with bleu cheese dressing and tomato slices. The sandwich was served with sweet potato fries and ketchup/mustard!

One of my snacks this week consisted of a GRANDE Double Chocolaty Chip soy Frappuccino with WHIPPED CREAM.

Glutino Duo Cheese pizza topped with sliced olives and Yves meatless pepperoni slices with a side of peanut butter for dipping! Yes! Pizza dipped in peanut butter! It may sound crazy but the sweetness of the peanut butter compliments the salty/savoriness of the olives, cheese, pizza sauce, and pepperoni. The combination is absolutely delicious.

Well, that is all I’ve got for now! Tonight I have fried rice with beans and buttered toast planned for dinner. I didn’t photograph anything I’ve eaten today (it is so hard to have time to take photographs while getting ready for school!) but I wanted to share the delicious breakfast I had this morning inspired by the lovely Ashley Barlow! I had a very special grilled cheese sandwich that consisted of German 3-grain bread, lots of brie, pineapple preserves, Colombian bocadillo slices, and almond butter. It was so unique and savory! I will try to remake it sometime this week and get a photo of it.

If I haven’t posted something by the end of this weekend, I hope you all have a wonderful one! I’m going to keep challenging myself every day and reach my goals… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. No excuses.


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