The New Year Approaches.
December 28, 2011 at 12:32 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 CommentsTags: ambient, anorexia, cars, drums, dubstep, eating disorders, escape, glowing, inspiration, karina pinzon, lights, like some cat from japan, loss, new years, positive, recovery, resolution, thinspiration, thinspo, weight gain
The white lights of passing buildings.
The red glares of moving cars.
The lime blaze of glowing odometers.
Music blasting through my headphones, I stared out of the car’s window and thought about how badly I wanted to get home.
I wanted to get home, slip out of my blue jeans, and lie on my bed- lie on my bed and listen. Just listen to music.
I craved the electronic sounds of droning instruments, haunting synthesizers and beating drums. I craved the pillowy top of my turquoise comforter, the plush feel of my mattress, and warming security of my own bedroom- my own little world. I wanted to close my eyes and just disappear, if only for a bit.
The bedroom door- I wanted it closed. I wanted a brick wall secluding me from the world, a wall enveloping me in solidarity. I could taste the escape on the tip of my tongue just thinking about it.
I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to listen to the music and let the beats decide what direction my thought should travel in. Let the timbres choose where to turn.
Like a person unties the laces from their sneakers, I wanted to untie myself from any feeling. That’s all I wanted. Really.
Back in the car- 20 minutes from home, 20 minutes from that sacred escape within my bedroom- I looked over at my mother, her hands bolted to the steering wheel.
My mom never has the time to lie on her bed, pants off and speakers on, to just appreciate good music. She doesn’t have the time to build a barrier between herself and her responsibilities- my poor mother has no time for escape. In reality, most adults do not and as I near adulthood an inch closer ever year, this idea of losing time frightens me.
At that moment, as the neon green glow of the odometer struck me across the face, I suddenly felt afraid of myself- afraid of how quickly the numbers of age had piled on top of me. Four years passed by so quickly and I’d gone from a naive 14 year old girl to a knowing 18 year old female all in the span of what seemed like a slow evening. Four years in one evening. That’s what it felt like.
As my car crept along the freeway, the unavoidable prospect of becoming an adult seemed like a death sentence. I’d already wasted four years on an eating disorder- four years of my YOUTH on an eating disorder- and all I was going to do was get older. Older, and older, and older. I was just starting to get my life back for Christ’s sake!
I was finally normal, finally having fun again and time was a mammoth clock perched on my back. I wanted to be 14 again and just start over from scratch. Drifting through high school with depression and anxiety excluded me from so many experiences common to growing up- the dates, the parties, the firsts and the lasts- you know, the standard high school hooplah. As I sat in the passenger seat of the car, now 10 minutes from home, a knot of regret swelled in my stomach.
But was the remorse worth it?
I could no longer do anything about those four years “lost,” I couldn’t rewind and take them all back to the start like a video cassette. In fact, as much as I wanted to pity myself, those four years of misery made me who I am and I grew from them. Instead of regretting time I could not gain back, I should focus on the years ahead of me and make the most out of them.
Promising myself to never relapse or fritter away precious time is the best thing I can for myself to “make up” for those four years lost. By healing 100% and continuing on as happily as I am now, I may even GAIN 4+ years of life. Who knows?
I’m not really one for New Year’s Resolutions but if I must pick one, that would definitely be it: Never fall into the hands of Anorexia- or any wasteful addictions- ever again.
SOUNDS LIKE A MEANINGFUL RESOLUTION TO ME!!
Happy (early) New Year to all! Don’t waste any time. We are only given one life and what we are given is very short. Drifting through and not experiencing things as they come…. it’s not a good idea.
Healthspo
June 5, 2009 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 22 CommentsTags: amber heard, ana ivanovic, brigitte bardot, brown cow, cedarlane couscous and gevetable veggie wrap, charlize theron, cindy crawford, danica patrick, elizabeth taylor, fage, gallleria, go lean, green tea, grilled cheese, healthy, healthy celebrities, jennifer love hewitt, jocolat, Kashi, katherine heigl, kiwi, marilyn monroe, orange juice, pistachio, plantain, plum, rita hayworth, sophia loren, sunflower seeds, thinspo, vitatop
We all know about the infamous “thinspo” or “thinspiration.” Hell, I used to read thinspo blogs religiously, looking upon the photos of emaciated, unhealthy models and checking out the blogger’s newest starvation tips. Those days are far behind me though, as now I look for inspiration not to be thin- but to be healthy. I figured if there can be “thinspo” which is stupid and unhealthy, why can’t there be “healthspo” which promotes a much healthier and happier life style? You see, I was brought to thinking about this during the time that I was sick. My ED tried to tell me to restrict these days since I would be doing nothing but lying in bed all day and I’m not going to lie, I caved. I fell into restrictive behavior. But you know what I realized? Restricting is not for me anymore. I was not happy these two days. I did not feel “righteous” by starving myself anymore. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t feel relieved to be restricting. I know now that I am fully ready to recover, and I feel like I can reach my freedom without a relapse. The next time my ED tries to manipulate me into “hanging out” with him again, I will remember these past 2 days that I spent with him. I will remember that I did not have any fun and that all he caused me was worry and sadness. I’d like to celebrate this discovery by posting photographs of successful, beautiful women who are not only healthy, but happy. They should be our health inspiration and help us realize that we don’t have to be stick thin to be happy, succesful, or beautiful because they are living proof!
All of the women shown above are or have been succesful actresses, athletes, models, have been featured in Maxim magazine or Ask Men’s Top 99 women. Every single one of these inspiring women are at a healthy weight and radiate confidence. You don’t have to be underweight to be gorgeous. As cliché as it sounds, it is what’s on the inside that truly matters and makes a person beautiful.
June 5, 2009
I’m back to eating a healthy (weight gainer’s) amount of cals again! Thank god. I’m going to keep the rest of today’s post unusually simple since I already voiced any of my feelings and epitomes above. I really didn’t do much of anything interesting today other than take a math test and buy some new Stephen Kings at a 1/2 price bookstore (Carrie and The Shining!). Francesca is over right now and I just finished taking some modeling photos of her, which we are getting ready to edit on photoshop. Damn, she is such a beauty! Anyways, my breakfast was truly amazing. It was a bowl of GoLean in a cherry vanilla Brown Cow cream top topped with a chocolate cherry Jocolat and a bunch of sunflower seeds. I had this with a glass of 2 % milk.
Lunch: a very cheesy grilled cheese sandwich, a glass of orange juice (not pictured), and some kiwi! Kiwi is officially my new summer fruit.
Before I went to take my math test, I enjoyed a nice cup of jasmine green tea.
I went to the store with my mom and guess what I finally found…. VITATOPS. F***ING VITATOPS! This vastly improved my day. I enjoyed a warm deep chocolate VitaTop in Fage 2% yogurt with a nice big strawberry on top.
This was bliss. Pure bliss.
I enjoyed a juicy plum between my snack and dinner. This is another one of my favorite summer fruits. I am slowly trying to introduce new foods into my life that I ordinarily wouldn’t eat. It feels nice to refresh my menu! Dinner was a typical bowl of mine: 4 oz. chicken over 1/2 c. of lentils and rice topped with pistachios and plantain.
I can’t wait until tomorrow. Charles and I are going to go down town and spend the day together at the Galleria: my favorite place in the world. I’m going to try my hardest to relax and enjoy my weekend because guess what I have to take next week? Final exams. Gag. As usual, I won’t be posting anything again until Sunday night. But I’m back and healthy 
But before I call it quits on here until Sunday night, I wanted to share the wrap that I had for lunch yesterday with everyone. It was really yummy! I had the Cedarlane Couscous and Vegetable Veggie wrap. I was left very impressed with it. 
The tortilla was crispy and delicious! I highly recommend that everyone buy this if they happen to spot it.
Good night, everyone, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!
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