weight gain « Like Some Cat from Japan

Inspirational Meal Plans

May 20, 2012 at 11:45 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Tags: amy's, anorexia, bad, ben and jerry's, blog, boca, boost, calories, celiac, chili's, chips, cinnamon roll, clif bar, corn pops, cottage cheese, dairy, eating disorder, ensure, example, food, fromage blanc, full fat, gluten free, green valley, high calorie, horizon, how to, ice cream, ideas, inspirational, jason's deli, karina pinzon, kefir, kinnikinnick, lactose free, late, lays, like some cat from japan, meal plans, milk, nutella, orthorexia, plus, recipes, recovery, red robin, sample, starbucks, taco bell, udi's, vegetarian, weight gain

Overnight oats (find “recipe” below writing under May 16, 2012 meal plan)

Sometimes I like to dig into my mind like a gardener amongst fertile ground. The vast expanse appears clear, appears empty, but beneath its lush exterior lays Earth and sustenance. The soil awaits a seed to seeps its substance into and fertilize. It awaits an opportunity to make something grow.

My body and mind itch for a seed to expand, to nurture and to parent but because of my deteriorated health, the seeds I’d like to sow cannot be planted.

I cannot express how important it is for me to be a part of an activity that sets goals for me. Growing up an active child (ballerina, figure skater, soccer player, cheerleader, etc.), sportsmanship and the need to constantly self-improve became measures of confidence I lived on and thrived off of. The goals I planted for myself at a young age kept me inspired throughout my childhood, turning me into the passionate young woman I am today.

Weeding though my past, I came to the conclusion that ballet, even just once or twice a week, is not a positive activity for me and I will not be making a return to it when I am allowed physical activity again. It is time to say goodbye to ballet.

Seeing as I am starting fresh at a new school this coming fall (GO CELTS!), I’d like to start anew in all areas of my life and finally feel mentally prepared to play capoeira, a Brazilian martial art involving dance and music. I’ve dreamt of starting capoeira classes for ages but my fear of change and things unknown always held me back. I’m ready to take a risk now though, ready to plant a new seed.

Before I can even think of playing capoeira, however, I must gain back to a healthy weight… and be serious about it.

I think I’ve taken my recent weight loss too lightly, not realizing the true toll it takes on my body and life. After visiting my dietitian yesterday and receiving a burdening wake up call, I now see how serious the situation I’ve fallen into is.

I’ve dropped even more weight since the last time I saw her and now the drop is not digestion related, it is eating disorder related.

With the amount of rage I feel, I could just rip the eyeballs out of my sockets and die but instead, I’m going to better this situation by doing something about it. I do NOT want to end up like the tragic example my dietitian shared with me yesterday.

My dietitian sees a brilliant client who not only won a scholarship but also earned a position at a very competitive summer internship. She dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon but guess what? She cannot participate in the internship because she is too sick from her eating disorder to partake. This girl’s eating disorder pulled her from pursuing her dreams and will continue to do so if she does not help herself. She may not even get to go to college because of her physical and mental health, and if that happens, then where will her dreams of neurosurgery go? The grave, that’s where.

I don’t want to end up like her. I don’t want my dreams of capoeira, university, residential life, independence, and becoming a successful journalist buried. The only thing I want six feet under is my eating disorder so that I can finally live my life CONSISTENTLY IN PEACE.

Right now, I am headed in the direction of my dietitian’s client and I need to put a stop to that immediately because I don’t WANT my life shattered this way. I don’t what your lives shattered by an illness either.

That is why I am going to share weight gain meal plans from my past, present and future to inspire and motivate both my readers and myself. We can do this! Lets eat and gain health so that we can follow our dreams.

I really hope these help out those struggling to gain weight. It is important to gain weight eating “NORMAL” foods, not only the stereotypical Orthorexic/health food blogger type of foods. I’m not putting anyone down but lets face it, the majority of the “recovery” bloggers are struggling with plenty of issues with their food choices that are mentally holding them back.

TAKE CARE, EVERYONE!

****** These meal plans are not meant to be precisely followed, as everyone has different needs. The plans I shared above are entries from my personal food journal, which I have actually eaten in the past (hence the dates above each entry.) If you are recovering from an eating disorder, you should be seeing a dietitian or health care professional specializing in eating disorders to guide you. These meal plans are posted solely to inspire and give ideas. You should follow a plan that suits YOUR body’s needs.

The New Year Approaches.

December 28, 2011 at 12:32 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments
Tags: ambient, anorexia, cars, drums, dubstep, eating disorders, escape, glowing, inspiration, karina pinzon, lights, like some cat from japan, loss, new years, positive, recovery, resolution, thinspiration, thinspo, weight gain

The white lights of passing buildings.
The red glares of moving cars.
The lime blaze of glowing odometers.

Music blasting through my headphones, I stared out of the car’s window and thought about how badly I wanted to get home.

I wanted to get home, slip out of my blue jeans, and lie on my bed- lie on my bed and listen. Just listen to music.

I craved the electronic sounds of droning instruments, haunting synthesizers and beating drums. I craved the pillowy top of my turquoise comforter, the plush feel of my mattress, and warming security of my own bedroom- my own little world. I wanted to close my eyes and just disappear, if only for a bit.

The bedroom door- I wanted it closed. I wanted a brick wall secluding me from the world, a wall enveloping me in solidarity. I could taste the escape on the tip of my tongue just thinking about it.

I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to listen to the music and let the beats decide what direction my thought should travel in. Let the timbres choose where to turn.

Like a person unties the laces from their sneakers, I wanted to untie myself from any feeling. That’s all I wanted. Really.

Back in the car- 20 minutes from home, 20 minutes from that sacred escape within my bedroom- I looked over at my mother, her hands bolted to the steering wheel.

My mom never has the time to lie on her bed, pants off and speakers on, to just appreciate good music. She doesn’t have the time to build a barrier between herself and her responsibilities- my poor mother has no time for escape. In reality, most adults do not and as I near adulthood an inch closer ever year, this idea of losing time frightens me.

At that moment, as the neon green glow of the odometer struck me across the face, I suddenly felt afraid of myself- afraid of how quickly the numbers of age had piled on top of me. Four years passed by so quickly and I’d gone from a naive 14 year old girl to a knowing 18 year old female all in the span of what seemed like a slow evening. Four years in one evening. That’s what it felt like.

As my car crept along the freeway, the unavoidable prospect of becoming an adult seemed like a death sentence. I’d already wasted four years on an eating disorder- four years of my YOUTH on an eating disorder- and all I was going to do was get older. Older, and older, and older. I was just starting to get my life back for Christ’s sake!

I was finally normal, finally having fun again and time was a mammoth clock perched on my back. I wanted to be 14 again and just start over from scratch. Drifting through high school with depression and anxiety excluded me from so many experiences common to growing up- the dates, the parties, the firsts and the lasts- you know, the standard high school hooplah. As I sat in the passenger seat of the car, now 10 minutes from home, a knot of regret swelled in my stomach.

But was the remorse worth it?

I could no longer do anything about those four years “lost,” I couldn’t rewind and take them all back to the start like a video cassette. In fact, as much as I wanted to pity myself, those four years of misery made me who I am and I grew from them. Instead of regretting time I could not gain back, I should focus on the years ahead of me and make the most out of them.

Promising myself to never relapse or fritter away precious time is the best thing I can for myself to “make up” for those four years lost. By healing 100% and continuing on as happily as I am now, I may even GAIN 4+ years of life. Who knows?

I’m not really one for New Year’s Resolutions but if I must pick one, that would definitely be it: Never fall into the hands of Anorexia- or any wasteful addictions- ever again.

SOUNDS LIKE A MEANINGFUL RESOLUTION TO ME!!

Happy (early) New Year to all! Don’t waste any time. We are only given one life and what we are given is very short. Drifting through and not experiencing things as they come…. it’s not a good idea.

Not “The Girl-Next-Door”

December 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments
Tags: anorexia, applegate farms, awkward, blog, burger bun, calories, chicken burger, colombiana soda, confidence, flaws, heinz, high fat, ideal girl, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, perfect, pretty, recovery, reviews, self esteem, self hate, skinny, sweet relish, udi's gluten free, victorias secret, weight gain

I’m a really strange person.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the kind of strange that cannot be kept a secret. Everyone must know about it- and if they don’t know about it, they must at least be suspicious of it.

There are days, seemingly chosen at random, where I embrace it and feel (dare I say it?) proud of my “weirdness” but then there are other days where I entirely abhor it and pray that I’ll wake up the next morning as the textbook example of “a perfect female”….. whatever that may be.

The reason this topic is etched in my mind is because lately, I have taken a burning interest in boys again; and with this interest comes raging hormones and with those raging hormones comes the self-conscious awkwardness experienced by preteens. Yes, I find myself back in the age of gawky self-doubt where one questions whether anyone of the opposite sex could ever be interested in you.

I look in the mirror and feel that my nose is too crooked, my ears to stuck out, my hair far too flat and my skin way too splotched.

I reflect on my persona and feel that my hobbies are too unrelatable, my interests too obscure and my humor beyond what is proper for a lady.

In my mind, all I hear is “too much this” or “too much that.”
What exactly am I measuring myself to?

When I truly analyze it, I think I am comparing myself to the “ideal girl” society has created for us. My interpretation of who I’ve been told the “ideal girl” is goes as follows:

IDEAL GIRL
Name: Ideal Girl
Height: Taller than most girls, shorter than most guys
Weight: Thinnest girl in the room
Looks: A down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model
Personality: Prim and proper, smily all the time, feminine, soft and giggly, tells funny yet appropriate jokes, gets along with everybody, charming , yada yada yada

Ugh! I can’t be that girl!

My name is not anywhere close to “Ideal Girl,” my name happens to be Karina Pinzon. I’m shorter than a lot of girls and sometimes even taller than a few guys because guess what? PEOPLE COME IN ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE SIZES. And my weight? Ever since I’ve gotten closer to being recovered from my eating disorder, I’m no longer always the thinnest girl in the room. There are now several girls thinner than me and that is OK. I am healthy and best of all, no longer at risk of dying of heart failure at the age of 18. Concerns like THAT are strange and sad.

Continuing to compare myself to Ms. “Ideal Girl,” I also sure as flipping-ass hell do not look like a “down-to-Earth, girl-next-door version of a Victoria’s Secret model.” I have never ever been the girl next door. In fact, I’m more like the girl who lives in the abandoned house down the street with rotting oak trees and flourescent unicorn ornaments on her lawn.

I’m also far from giggly and appropriate. When I laugh, I cackle and when I tell a joke, you better believe it’s a dirty one. I’m not an “ideal girl” and you know what? Even though I want to crawl under a rock because of the things I say and do in public sometimes, I like being unique and I like being weird. I like being me.

I take a look at the other girls around me, who go through boys like they do underwear during that time of the month, and I wonder “HOW do you find ‘boy toys’ so easily!? How do you find boys that you not only like but that also LIKE YOU BACK?”

Maybe I will never know. All I know is that I am never going to find a mutual love interest unless the love I have with myself is mutual.

My body may love me now because I am giving it what it needs to be healthy and strong, but… I have to love it back.

I have to appreciate, thank it, adore it for allowing me to DO the things that make me the “strange” and “unique” person I am. Without my body in tip-top health, I wouldn’t be able act upon my “weirdo” tendencies. I would just be another drone, ebbing and falling through the turbulent waves of life- not really enjoying anything. I’ve been in that position before and I don’t want to be there again.

I want to live my life, being WEIRDAZFUCK, and like it.

If I meet a boy, great.
If I don’t, fabulous.

Either way, I’m going to be happy.

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A memorable meal….

A mozzarella, tomato, mayonnaise, spicy mustard and breaded chicken burger sandwich on Udi’s GF burger bun with Heinz sweet relish and sweet potato fries! This was perfect with a glass of Colombiana soda.

I should probably go study for the precalculus exam I am inevitably going to fail tomorrow. Take care, everyone!

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I Prefer Eating Ham, Not Feeling Like It.

November 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments
Tags: anorexia, blog, bulimia, calories, compulsions, eating disorders, exercise addiction, food, inspiration, karina pinzon, ketchup, lays, like some cat from japan, loaf, mental illness, millet chia bread, original, potato chip, recipes, recovery, sandwich, udi's gluten free, weight gain, weird food combinations

I felt “fat” last night.

Fat as in, really dreadfully fat.

As I lay hyperventilating on my game-room couch, my body seemed to morph into the oven-fried pork loins my mom made for dinner that night. Every bone in my body dripped with guilt and self-hate as I felt like a “pig.”

I sunk deeper into the couch, which felt like a suffocating bucket of lard, and moaned about how dreadful I felt. I even tweeted about it.

“OH MY GOD. I AM A DEEP FRIED PORK LOIN, A HAM STEAK, THE BATTERED COATING OF AN ONION RING. HOLY SHIT, I AM SO FAT!” I cried, being the melodramatic Anorexic I turn into sometimes.

Every inch of me felt compelled to slip on my tennis shoes and bust my butt on the treadmill, going against everything my therapist and dietitian expected of me. I wanted to run my problems away, run the feeling out of my body, and run toward a higher self-esteem. I don’t even like running. In fact, I hate it.

That is when I realized my solutions and my thought process made no sense.

Why would I think that running, against my medical team’s orders, would make me feel better about myself? Why would I think that exercising without permission would help my recovery? Why would I think that burning calories would solve all of my problems?

It wouldn’t, and it would be a complete waste of my time and money to do the opposite of what my medical team told me to. What’s the point of paying my dietitian and therapist if I’m not going to obey them? Disobeying my mentors is a stupid idea that only harms me.

With that, I remained on the couch, leaving my tennis shoes tucked away in the darkness of my closet. I fell asleep, still feeling “fat”, but I had the satisfaction of knowing I made the right decision.

——— ——— ———- ——— ——— ———- ———-

The following morning (AKA: today), I awoke with a powerful freshness. The “fat” feelings from the previous night had worn off and I was left with the high effects of triumph.

Today is a new day and I feel very energized, and inspired.

Had I given into my ED urges and succumbed to the appeal of temporary relief, I know that I would feel worse today because I would’ve been one step closer to falling back into my eating disorder habits. I may have felt better and less “fat” last night if I had given in, but then today would have been a whole different ball-game. I know for a fact that I would feel weaker today, weaker and more entrapped by ED.

By remaining firm in what I knew was best for me, I became a warrior. Just like a body builder challenges his muscles to make them stronger, I challenged my eating disorder and made my mind stronger. That is how it’s done. It takes a little sacrifice and a lot of hard work to recover. Instantaneous relief is overrated.

ANYWAY, I had the best lunch ever today.

Buffalo chicken, Swiss cheese, mayonnaise, cucumber, tomato, and mustard sandwich on Udi’s millet chia bread. On the side, original Lays drizzled with ketchup. Gahh, so delicious!

I am going to spend the rest of the day drawing, reading a school book, and helping my mom out with Thanksgiving cooking in the kitchen. I feel so happy today!

Everyone have an awesome day

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Anorexia Can’t Crash My Holiday Parties.

November 21, 2011 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments
Tags: anorexia, blogs, buffalo wings, calorie allotment, calories, challenges, eating disorders, fish tacos, foods, french fries, high fat, inspiration, karina pinzon, like some cat from japan, listen to your body, nutrition facts, recovery, red robin, twitter, weight gain

Sometimes I question what I am doing with myself and why I choose to do it.

I question why I try so hard to gain weight, and why I force myself to “sit on my butt” all day and be inactive.

I also question why I push myself to make higher calorie food choices and eat beyond my fullness level too.

I question why I do the opposite of what so many people in today’s society do, and why I choose to be the odd one out in a culture so fixated on losing weight. It seems counterproductive to put myself under the limelight of self-doubt and be the only one amongst a table of salad eaters to eat a real meal, but in those situations where I feel “weird” and “self-conscious” about eating more than others, I remember that not everyone eats as lightly as the people around me in that moment. I just CHOOSE to notice those who eat less than me- or should I say my eating disorder chooses to do so?

If I look beyond the table of people I choose to eat with, I see a larger population of people simply enjoying food- free of thinking about calories, health, and body size. I see a mass of normal humans simply eating to nourish themselves and enjoying the time spent with their family or friends.

As much as my eating disorder wants to convince me that the dieters around me make up all of the population and that I must conform to their ways, the reality is that notion is simply untrue. Just because that random girl at my lunch table eats crackers and soup every day for lunch does not mean that the girl at the next table over eats the same way or that it is “normal.” My eating disorder filters the “normal” eaters so that I can only see the abnormal eaters… and why? Because it wants to TRICK me.

Thankfully, I keep my common sense and logic tucked into my back pockets and that makes me one tough girl to fool.

Whenever I break my filter and choose to notice the healthy and normal eaters around me, that is when I am reminded of why I choose to do what I am doing with myself- and what I am doing is recovery.

I am choosing the pitfalls and torments of recovery because I want to BE one of those normal people I know exist out there. I want to sit at a dinner table, smiling and laughing with my family. I want to have that twinkle in my eye, that glow to my skin, that carefree demeanor that screams “I don’t give a shit about calories, I just give a shit about life.”

Being skinny doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make me friends, it doesn’t make me cooler, it doesn’t make me better at anything I do. Striving to be “skinny” just makes me unhappy and I have come to realize this more than ever.

I recently started counting calories again in order to regain some weight, and became aware of how much happier I am when I am not restricting my intake and actually eating the correct foods/amounts for my body- and by “correct” foods I don’t mean the “healthiest.” I mean the ones my body asks me for.

If I want to eat cookies and milk, or brownies, or fries and buffalo wings, I want the liberty to make those choices like I did pre-eating disorder.

I’ve done a good job at making those choices for a while now but for some reason, I have gained a new-found appreciation of this freedom I earned. I can’t express how delicious it feels (and tastes) to go to a restaurant and order whatever the hell I want regardless of calories.

I have a story: the other day when dinner came around, I had 1200 calories left in my calorie allotment. My family and I were sitting inside Red Robin, fixing to put in our orders, and I was REALLY in the mood to get buffalo wings and french fries. The only thing was… the order of buffalo wings did not contain 1200 calories, it contained 1500 calories. This was like a blaring alarm going off in my head.

In that moment when the waiter was going to take our orders, I had two choices: either order a plate of fish tacos (which I wasn’t really in the mood for) for exactly 1200 calories and meet my calorie goal exactly, or order the buffalo wings and fries (which I REALLY wanted) for 1500 calories and go over my calorie goal.

My eating disorder wanted me to order the fish tacos SO badly but I channeled the normal eater inside of me and said “fuck it. I don’t care about calories.” I ordered my buffalo wings and moved on to enjoy dinner with my family. If I had ordered the fish tacos, that would have done NOTHING to further my recovery and I probably would have spent the whole meal thinking about the buffalo wings I didn’t order. By ordering what I wanted, I felt satisfied at the end of my meal because I listened to my body. A lessoned learned: calories should not impact my decisions nor should my calorie allotment be a cage I am locked within. I can go ABOVE my calorie allotment and benefit my body, I can just never go below my goal because there are no excuses for shortchanging myself.

Speaking of shortchanging myself, my dietitian and I were looking at my records today and noticed there was a trend that every single winter since I was diagnosed with Anorexia, I have relapsed. Every. single. one.

I feel really determined to make the holiday season we are in, which is clearly a very triggering time of the year for me, a good one. I am not going to let my eating disorder take control of me this time, especially not after I have taken so many steps forward in my recovery. I have gotten dreadfully ill every single Christmas and that realization makes me sick.

Let me tell you, a relapse will NOT occur this winter. Just watch me soar above my eating disorder. Just watch me. I am a stronger person now, and I am going to put my strength to the test and help myself.

I urge you, readers, to do the same. Love yourselves and challenge yourselves. Do something good for your bodies and your lives.

Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S. Be sure to follow me on Twitter! I finally got one

A Diary Entry’s End

February 27, 2011 at 8:45 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments
Tags: anorexia, banana, ben & jerry's, boost plus, brie, california pizza kitchen, calories, carrot cake oatmeal, challenge, cherry garcia, chili's, chocolate, depression, ensure plus, february, fried cheese, galaxy granola, gluten free, granola, grilled cheese, inspiration, jason's deli, karina pinzon, la madeleine, like some cat from japan, parfait, plan, recovery, roasted artichoke pizza, sandwich, tofurky, weight gain

Today I’d like to share with you guys an excerpt from an entry I wrote in my personal journal. Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time sharing my struggles with people and keeping everything bottled up inside is killing me… I needed to get this off of my chest:

“Sometimes I feel like my entire persona is a front and nobody ever sees the real me unless I am writing or showing my grief through my body’s appearance. I’m always either super upbeat and bubbly or as quiet and vulnerable as a pet turtle. Not to say that I’m not a bubbly person and not to say that I’m not a vulnerable person, but I feel like these only two “sides” that I show the public are keeping me from revealing my true self and that is hurting me.

I guess I WANT people to see how much I hurt. I WANT people to understand the turmoil I feel on a daily basis, but I do not know how to express it. I’m tired of putting on a happy face for others and keeping all this pain lodged inside of me like a wad of thick thorns because doing this is eating away at every last bit of me.

For the longest time, the only way I knew how to express my misery to others was by showing them my interpretation of “misery”… and in my mind, “misery” looked like a withered corpse. In my disordered mind, by slowly disappearing, I thought I was effectively demonstrating people how my pain was feasting on me and in my disordered mind, that explained exactly why I was growing smaller and smaller like a morsel of food on a supper plate.

As macabre as it sounds, that is how my mind worked… and unfortunately, still does.

I have no idea how to share with others how I feel in a constructive manner. The closest I can get to exposing to others my inner feelings at this point (other than by writing) is by throwing fits and tantrums such as the one I threw the other night in the privacy of my own home. Sure, at least I have writing to express myself but I can’t keep a typewriter or word document by my side at all times, now can I?

No one would ever imagine that the effervescent and collected girl they see in public often throws herself on her bed, red faced and screaming with mascara streaming down her cheeks, crying “I hate my life! I hate everything! I hate being me!” at the top of her lungs. Despite getting my feelings out in a very direct manner this way, there is absolutely nothing healthy about these outbursts of mine

What makes me the most sad about all this, however, is not my own situation, but the fact that I know there must be so many others struggling like this behind closed doors. Who knows how many other people are suffering in agony behind their projected smiles? Who’s to say their smiles aren’t fake, such as my own?

Throughout my recovery, I want to learn how to let go and show the world my true colors. If I’m feeling sad, I’ll show it. I’ll show it to others and feel no shame. If I’m feeling happy, I will show those bright colors too and it will mean so much more because my smiles will be real and only appear when they are felt from within. How much does a genuine smile light up a room?

A lot.

I want to light up a room someday.”

-February 2011

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Despite using my blog as a sort of personal journal, I have used a separate journal throughout my journey to further vent all of the emotions recovery puts me through. That was one of my latest entries. Every day (yes, even the “good” days) is a battle between my ED and I. Every day is a challenge to disobey him and every day is an arduous struggle between what I want and what ED wants. Every day, I am faced with choices.

“My grandmother always used to tell me as a child that two paths existed in the afterlife: the path to heaven and the path to hell. The path to hell was bejeweled with flowers and people frolicking through paddocks whilst they laughed and smoked. The path to heaven was scattered with barbwire and thorns that’d prick one’s feet.

We could easily give up and take ED’s hand; follow him right down the bright, blossomed road to hell just because it’d be far less demanding on him. Far more “comfortable.”

But where does this simple path ultimately lead? Hell.

It is much more worth it to prick one’s feet and wipe the blood off our bruises when the reward in the end is heaven, happiness, and freedom. Not some fiery pit of torment and death.”
-Heaven? or Hell?

We are forced to make a choice between taking the easy way out (where ED will be comfortable and secure), or taking the strenuous and emotional journey out (where ED will inevitably suffer). As warriors in recovery, we have already chosen the latter and have come to terms with the inescapable thorns that will prick our feet and the blood that will pour from our battle wounds. It is all a part of the process… the process that leads to our freedom.

Today my battle is simple in essence yet difficult to accomplish: I must get back on track and make my meal plan. You guys, I am not perfect. I slip up too… and I slipped up this weekend.

In addition to my daily calorie goal, I must drink an Ensure or Boost Plus every day. My nutritionist left me room to be flexible, however, and told me that like normal people, I am allowed to treat myself to extra special meals and replace my daily supplement with 360 calories elsewhere on the days I choose. This means that I have the freedom on certain days to not have my Ensure/Boost IF I make up for it with a special meal or treat. I had planned on Saturday being one of those days because I was going to challenge myself to a milkshake or Blizzard from Dairy Queen…. but it ended up not working out. (Shockers: life is unpredictable! ED is evil!)

I felt very guilty about not making my meal plan and wanted to rip my hair out for not being perfect but then I realized something. Even though it wasn’t a 100% “successful” day, I excelled in other areas that day so I must give myself props for that and not beat myself up (I just have to make sure it doesn’t happen again). Even though the Dairy Queen challenge did not happen, another very monumental challenge did: I challenged myself to one of my former favorite foods: cheese sticks at Chili’s! Read fried mozzarella cheese sticks!

They were so so good. Biting into their crispy flesh and seeping into their gooey innards felt so damn delicious and I should congratulate myself for finding the strength to make this challenge happen. Karina wanted to reunite with them so badly and you know what? I have bragging rights… Anytime we challenge ourselves, we have the right to brag! No shame! It is so amazing when we do something that severs a tie between ourselves and ED.

And even though Saturday was not 100% recovery perfection (as if that even exists!), today is a fresh new day and do you know how I started it off? With a nice, cold bottle of Boost Plus.

I made the choice this morning to go down the arduous, prickly path to freedom and let go of ED’s grip. Good choice.

Good day.

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Anyway, recovering from an Eating Disorder requires eating… DURRR! So here are some of my best eats:

Wednesday, February 23: Toasted sandwich on German rye bread stuffed with hickory smoked Tofurky, dried cranberries, mayonnaise, tomato slices, spinach, and goat cheese. A side of vegetable soup and mixed berries with whipped cream (not pictured) on the side.

That Wednesday evening, my family and I ate at California Pizza Kitchen where I shared the Roasted Artichoke pizza and the Field Greens salad (with dressing and everything!) with my mom. This was such a delicious meal! CPK takes the cake as the best pizza ever in my heart.

Thursday, February 24: Breakfast was Fromage Blanc topped with vanilla almond granola, Nutlettes, almond butter, and a large sliced banana.

For lunch, I went to Jason’s Deli. Guess what I had? An old favorite: RESTAURANT GRILLED CHEESE! From ages 3-14, my favorite meal at every restaurant was a grilled cheese sandwich. I STILL love grilled cheese sandwiches and can say that they are in my top 5 favorite foods. Sure, I make them at home quite often but this was my first restaurant grilled cheese in ages. It brought back so many memories…I had the grilled cheese sandwich with a side of ruffled potato chips and steamed vegetables. A totally balanced and nourishing meal <3

After dinner that night, I finally had the container of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream that had been sitting in my freezer for over a month. ED had been cowering in fear of it but I finally sent him to hell and devoured it! It was so delicious!

Friday, February 25: I was in the mood for an old favorite…. carrot cake oats! I cooked my oats in vanilla almond milk, 1/2 a whipped banana, cinnamon, maple syrup, and 1/2 serving of vanilla protein powder. Then I added crystallized ginger, shredded baby carrots, almond butter, and a dollop of cream cheese.

For lunch, my family and I ate at La Madeleine.I started off with vegetable soup… ordered a spinach, tomato, and mushroom omelette, and had a fruit & yogurt muesli parfait for dessert!This meal was delicious but made me feel very anxious and I had a small panic attack afterward :/. I felt so guilty after eating this because I felt extremely full. ED just does not want to come to accept fullness yet. Every time I am full beyond my comfort level, he beats me up and makes me feel horrible about it. I was almost crying because of how awful I felt… not only physically but also mentally. I know that what I am doing is saving my life, however, and I am keeping my eyes on the prize of freedom. This discomfort will be worth it in the end. It truly will be.

That night, along with my black bean veggie burger and broccoli/ketchup, I shared the order of fried cheese at Chili’s with my mother!Everyone was in a really good mood and I felt no guilt whatsoever. In fact, although the cheese sticks were delicious, they could have been a little greasier . They just weren’t juicy enough for KARINA’s taste!
It is ridiculous how ED can make us feel guilty about something like fruit, eggs, and a yogurt parfait and then not even come to bother us when we eat something like cheese sticks. He is so irrational and flaky…. I’m glad he didn’t come to ruin this meal for me though!

Hopefully he won’t be around to ruin any more good meals. I don’t deserve the torture he puts me through. None of us do.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Kick some ass, claim your life back, and have a beautiful Monday tomorrow

Ciao for now!

P.S. I have a little message for the the people who continue to send me cruel, immature, and insensitive Formspring comments on a daily basis…..

SUCK MY….BANANA!

Yeah. I can get rude too.

Ballet, Art, Sweets, Potato Chips, Freedom, Friendships, Hugs, Writing, Music, and Pretty Tea Cups

January 17, 2010 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 40 Comments
Tags: 2400, 2800, 3000, alvarado street bakery, anorexia, blue diamond almonds, cadbury, calories, cinnamon brown sugar, clif bar, dark chocolate dreams, harriet braiker, health, hungry girl, lean body mass, nesquik, oikos, pb & co, perfection, recovery, spiru-tein, support, tofurky, vegetarian diet, weight gain

Her surroundings were a murky blue as the only light that crept into the room were the morning sun rays trapped behind the curtain. Karina did not want to let the light in this morning… She was tired.

The girl slipped her eye mask further down and plunged her face into the leopard print pillow just before she threw the covers off.

It was 8:44, far earlier than she’d hoped to wake up on her “free day” but her logic told her that lying there like a corpse in denial would be no better than not sleeping in and getting started with her day.

Karina bounced to her feet and stretched her sore calves and hamstrings. Yesterday’s ballet class was t-o-u-g-h. Not only was the majority of the class done on demi-pointe, but the girl was already weakened by her lost lean body mass and that wad of phlegm she had stuck in her throat the entire time. Repulsive.

She wobbled down the stairs to prepare herself a bowl of comfort in her quiet kitchen, but first she thought she should lend her mother a helping hand. Helping others was one of the girl’s pleasures in life.

Karina cooked a packet of oatmeal in 1/2 c. skim milk, 2 tbsp. of Nesquik powder, and a bit of coconut extract. She then added a medley of fresh fruit, shredded coconut, Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds, and PB & Co’s Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter with a Cadbury Royal Dark chocolate square.

It was then Karina’s turn to prepare herself something equally delectable. Would she recreate her breakfast from the previous morning?

1 packet of instant oats cooked in 1/2 c. hemp milk, stevia extract, vanilla extract, a few drops of rose water, and an egg white topped with: 1/2 an Oatmeal Raisin Walnut Clif Bar, Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds, and a big spoonful of homemade cinnamon brown sugar almond butter?

No. Although the combination was divine and all, she was not the type of lady to eat the same breakfast two days in a row. With so many options and possible fusions of flavor, why would she resort to such monotony?

Since there was a plethora of pumpkin left over from the brownie cupcakes she had baked just the night before, she decided to make a jazzed up bowl of pumpkin pie oats:

The girl cooked a packet of instant oatmeal in Spiru-tein Cookies & Cream protein powder, 1/2 c. vanilla soy milk, approx. 1/2 c. or more of pumpkin (Karina doesn’t measure anymore), vanilla extract, maple syrup, a packet of stevia, and an egg white. She then mixed it with cinnamon/nutmeg/pumpkin pie spice and dress it up with Blue Diamond cinnamon brown sugar almonds (yes, she is addicted), chopped medjool dates, walnuts, and a spoonful of almond butter.

There was not much time after breakfast for Karina to procrastinate. She had yet to unpack from her New York vacation which had come to an end over a week ago, and frankly, her mother was tired of watching her daughter live out of a suitcase. As soon as the girl finished the arduous task of unfolding and hanging up all her clothes, she took a look at the time and gasped. Only an hour until her appointment and she had not even prepped her lunch!

All dressed up in her finest birthday suit, Karina Pinzon scampered into the game room for a quick sip of her mother’s water.

“I’m about to shower and don’t have time to get my own from the kitchen!” Karina explained, catching her breath. She was already late enough for her doctor’s appointment.

Her mother responded with a tender smile, yet her eyes bore profound heartache.

“You have a beautiful shape but you really need those extra pounds, Cookie!” She tried to disguise her pain with faux effervescence. You know, for her daughter’s sake.

Karina exhaled and her lips drew out into a grin.

“That is why I’m going to have cookies with my lunch!” She giggled and bounced out of the game room. She could hear her mother’s genuine and jovial laugh of relief as she disappeared from sight.

Inside the shower, Karina took advantage of the comfortable solitude around her and reflected back on her struggles. Her journey through recovery had been a bumpy one. Bumpy like an old dirt road or a teenager’s complexion. She had gone through a diet “junk food” phase where she would follow Hungry Girl recipes and swaps to a T, an artificial sweetener phase where pure sugar was the Prince of Darkness, a baby food phase where her snacks and meals would include Gerber purees and toddler meals, a tuna/apples/coffee crash diet that hardly lasted, a “negative calorie diet” phase when she bought into the bullshit of negative calorie fruits and vegetables, an “orthrorexic” phase, an 8 mile a day run phase, an 8 hour a day couch potato phase, an Ensure/Boost dependency period, a 2400 calorie a day period, a 2800 calorie a day period, an intuitive eating period that gravely failed, then another 2400 calorie a day period due to her massive fail, then a 2600 calorie + 2 protein drinks= 3000 calories a day period, then all the way back to the intuitive eating period she was in right now. Minus the fail. She would not let that happen again.

And despite her sizable weight loss in New York, she felt that she was in a better place at the moment. The fact that she had lost weight while not vastly restricting nor exercising proved to her that she could not underestimate the amount of nourishment her body required to stay healthy, and that her body still required plenty of food when she was sedentary.

And by some magical means along the way, her fear of sweets and desserts lessened and she could now bite into a cookie or brownie without hyperventilating about it showing up on her stomach a minute later <— a phenomena that occurs far too often in the world of Eating Disorders. No brownie has the power to appear on a person’s thighs or abdominals in a matter of seconds, and in the majority of cases it will never show up (the minority being those who eat a whole pan of brownies every single night. That there is another problem.)

Karina stepped out of the shower, dabbed on her leave-in-conditioners and bustled back down to the kitchen to prepare her lunch.

She assembled a sandwich. A sandwich whose anatomy was composed of Tofurky Italian Deli slices, 2 slices of Alvarado St. Bakery California Style Complete Protein bread, and mustard. On the side she mashed up 1/2 an avocado for dipping and nice spinach & tomato salad for munching. Her dessert awaited her in the freezer. An icy cold container of Oikos sweetened with stevia extract and vanilla extract with a moist and chewy chocolate chip cookie frozen into it. Karina was already pretty full but she just could not resist! It looked too delicious to pass up.

And that is when she realized that she could not control everything and live a joyous life. By attempting the impossible duty of making every part of her life perfect and having everything go her way or the highway, she was not leaving any time in her schedule to just enjoy the beautiful people and things around her. Sometimes the only way to gain control is to lose a little control. Whether it is monitoring every calorie consumed, making sure that a stack of papers is flawlessly aligned, stalking a significant other over a trivially suspicious text, crying over a C in biology, or running on a treadmill for three hours to work off an indulgent meal… that is not living life. That is ruining it.

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.” -Harriet Braiker
Why? Because perfection does not exist. When a person aims for perfection, they are aiming for failure. They are aiming for obsession. They are aiming for depression. They are aiming for a broken spirit.

“For everything there is an opposite…. For hot there is cold, for life there is death. In balance there is perfection. Humans need to become balanced in order to bring this world to perfection.
Humans tend to reach for extremes and this is why there is chaos, disorder, and abuse done to people and the earth in general.
We always tend to seek more than is necessary, always looking for more pleasure and avoiding pain as much as possible.”
-You Are Enlightened

She took a vow to let life run its course. To learn to just listen to what her body, mind, and soul asked of her and in her case, not eat or exercise by a set of silly rules created by ED that just aim for the impossible: perfection. She had a new weapon now: Knowledge. Knowledge that she would never be perfect.

But she could be and do her best.
Be and do whatever made her happy.
Whatever made her happy.

Nanai Cucas

September 30, 2009 at 1:22 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 30 Comments
Tags: almonds, anorexia, barbara's bakery, cheese, de wafelbakkers, deviantart, eggs, ensure, food, google, karina pinzon, omelette, pancakes, photography, pizza, puffins, student, weight gain

credit to: deviantart.com

The frigidity of this December morning pierced my bones like drilling icicles. I rolled out of bed and dug my toes into the dank shag rug, using its sodden tendrils as little anchors. Even before I opened my bedroom door, the faint sound of Fabio’s jovial Christmas melodies plagued my ears. What an excellent way to begin the day: with a Christmas party…

Through the window that (poorly) illuminated the hall I walked down, I traced the snowflakes that fell and flurried across the pale sky outside. With each step I took, however, those snowflakes dimmed and that pale sky faded.

****

My mother’s feet approached my face. Thud.

****

The lights are coming back?

Wait, did they ever go out?

Faces appeared. Faces that belonged to my mother, my father, my aunt and my uncle, all which bore the same concerned expression on their faces.

Why are you guys hovering over me like that?

Unsystematic lumps of information poured into my muddled head and pieced together, little by little. Product: by some magical means, I was transported from the end of the bedroom hall to the dining room where my family was inhaling their breakfast, in the blink of an eye, and saluted them all by falling flat on my face.

- excerpt from the novel I am writing

____________________________________________________________

I’m back. And I mean it this time.

Sorry that I kind of left you all in the dark with my last post. I am going to explain everything in a fresher light now that I am not so confused anymore.

I am not going to lie, ED has come crawling back with a lot of strength and an even higher IQ. But luckily, Karina is a lot stronger and smarter than the first time around as well. She also has a strong hope to recover.

My parents have seen me deteriorate week by week since school started. My weight right now is below my lowest weight (March/April) and my pulse and blood pressure plummeted once again. Bones are popping up. Vision has blurred. Skin has blemished. Grades have suffered. I don’t feel like I know myself anymore.

Do I want to let this win?

credit to: google

The answer is no, guys.

So, I’m jumping back on the weight gain wagon both horrified, and excited. I have my first appointment with my dietitian today to come up with an eating plan to go along with my new lifestyle.

That’s right, I said new lifestyle. A new lifestyle that I can see giving me a future. I don’t feel like I will be locked in this anorexia cage forever anymore.

I wanted to let you all know that your comments on my last post really gave me that extra push to want to get better. They inspired me to want to make a difference in my life, and I am so grateful. However, they may have given me the push and set my mind straight, but I still felt alone and as though I could not take that first step.

Starting school again added a whole new stressor to my life. How could I add the stress of watching myself gain weight again while I was already tearing my hair out as I slaved to keep my grades up to perfection? I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat more calories. I don’t think anyone believes me, I’m sure nearly everyone is like: “YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO DO IT, LEAVING SCHOOL IS NOT THE ANSWER, JUST EAT”

BUT I REALLY COULD NOT BRING MYSELF TO DO IT.

I would stay up for hours at night fighting my ED, just trying to block it out in the dark, stressed out about waking up at 6:30 AM the next day, going to school, doing my homework, going to ballet (the only time ED wasn’t bothering me), doing more homework, and going back to where I was: alone in the dark.

To sum it up, I am going to be home schooled. I will continue ballet as it is a huge relaxor and it is my true passion. I see myself improving with each class I go to and I am even doing The Nutcracker this year! Ballet is the place where I know I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to do my best. It is strange. Of course, I think of it as exercise as well but I feel like I can just be ME there. And I love it. I love to dance.

And I want to keep dancing. I want to keep living. I want to keep smiling. So I’m going to fight this ED and embark on the journey to recovery again.

A few delectable mornings I’ve had…

September 20′s Sunday breakfast: 2 De Wafelbakkers whole grain pancakes, blueberries, strawberries, and a wee bit of Brummel & Brown

Yesterday (I started drinking Ensures again just to get above 1400 cals…): Blueberry Ensure smoothie*, 1.5 c. Barbara’s Bakery Puffins, and almonds*this smoothie was really interesting. All I did was blend 4 oz. of the vanilla Ensure with a 1/2 c. of blueberries and refrigerated it overnight. The next morning… it had a pudding-like consistency which made the bowl of cereal taste extra special.

This morning: A PIZZA OMELETTE! It contained: 1 whole egg & an egg white, shredded cheese, tomatos and tomato sauce, and a sprinkle of oregano. On the side, I had 8 oz. Chocolate Soy Slender mixed with 4 oz. of a Chocolate Ensure.

While all of these breakfasts were delicious, they are no where near enough the amount I should be eating. Things are all going to look different tomorrow though.

So until then, my loves?

The Thrilling Adventures of Ana and Karina, Part 2

June 16, 2009 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 24 Comments
Tags: amusement park, arlington, batman, broccoli, bundt cake, chicken, chocolate, cupcakes, eating disorder, egg, gotham city, larabar, noodles, oatmeal, odwalla bar, panda express, peanut butter, protein, raisins, six flags, tea cake, toast, weight gain

The families continued to parade around the park with Ana and Karina daringly leading the pack. The two girls were in the middle of discussing important matters, such as the burning question: “Would you shave your head for a thousand dollars?”, when Karina felt a wave of hunger take over her empty stomach. She reached into the Hurley backpack her father was carrying and took out one of her favorite Larabars.Before taking a bite, she did a double take of her father and chuckled. Her dad looked like such a dork carrying around her old Rainbow colored Hurley school backpack. It looked a tad…. fruity, as some would say?

The group violently sipped on lemonades, Powerades, and waters in between rides, the majority of them a breeze for Karina and her family:

Shockwave*

Superman: Tower of Power. This was the only ride Karina was not psychotic enough to ride because she doesn’t exactly enjoy the “I’m-about-to-fall-out-of-my-fucking-seat, get-me-down-from-here-or-I-will-bite-your-toe-off” thoughts that she begins thinking when the car comes to an abrupt stop at the top of the tower on these types of rides.

La Vibora, the only coaster that Mr. Philips, Ana’s dad, was brave enough to ride on. You readers may applaud at this grown man’s courage.

Batman! The Pinzon’s all-time favorite coaster, which they have raved about for years for its’ uniquely smooth, foot-dangling thrills.

The group began to complain of hunger when they reached Gotham City as lunch had ended approximately seven hours ago. Karina was feeling confident about dinner time since she noticed a Johnny Rockets, which she recalled had a veggie burger on the menu, close by on their way to Batman’s hometown.

“Lets eat at Johnny Rockets,” Karina suggested. “They have something I’d actually be comfortable eating.”

Everyone in the group was aware of her recent struggles with Anorexia and was more than willing to go out of their way to make her feel comfortable, so they agreed. Upon entering the restaurant, Karina scrutinized the menu with a confused expression on her face.

“Where is the veggie burger? And why are there only five items on the menu?” When she realized that the amusement park only had a limited menu available, it felt like all the blood in her body began to empty itself into her head. “What am I going to eat? I wouldn’t eat a hamburger. Not even if it were the last thing to eat on earth and I were starving.”

“Get out of there. Remember that you saw a Panda Express not too far from here,” Anorexia quickly came up with a solution. “You could have just a few pieces of chicken and some veggies. That would be enough for you.” She went to Panda Express. But she ate more than just a few pieces of chicken.

However, do not be fooled by the photograph pictured above because unfortunately, Karina did not eat all of that. In fact, she barely ate any of it. She kept finding imaginary pieces of fat on the beef and chicken, which she proceeded to spit out, and found the noodles a tad too greasy and avoided the fried rice like the plague. She really only ate a few chunks of beef, a few chunks of chicken, a few noodles, and lots of broccoli. She also destroyed a spring roll and ate only the veggies inside of it, being cautious that she didn’t eat too much of the pancake since she was aware that it was fried.

Somehow, this measly little meal was satisfying enough for her to get up and say, “I’m full” so the group returned to Gotham City to continue their adrenaline-seeking, which included riding Mr. Freeze.

Ana’s jaw dropped as she stared at the impossibly tall vertical steel rod that Mr. Freeze owned.

“There is no way in hell I am getting on that thing,” she stated. “I’m staying behind with my dad and brother.”

“Uh- well, you kind of have to get on it now,” Karina replied. “When you said you weren’t getting on The Titan, you swore that you would get on everything else.”

Ana felt the nauseating combination of anxiety and regret brewing up inside of her stomach as she climbed up the flight of stairs leading to the roller coaster.

—————————————————————————————–

When the Mr. Freeze riding group reached the top of the stairs, an employee asked them how many people would be boarding the ride.

“Four,” Karina replied, taking her friend by the hand. She could feel her shaking.

“You’re going to be fine. This ride is fun, Ana. It wouldn’t be here if it were unsafe.”

Ana felt as though her heart were about to bounce out of her chest cavity and fall directly out of her butt. The way her stomach felt reminded her of the somersaults she used to perform in the deep end of her swimming pool when she was a child.

“I-I can’t d-do this!” Ana screamed as Karina began to help her strap in.

“I think it’s too late…”

“That… was… AWESOME!” Ana cried with an enthusiastic grin on her face.

The girls unstrapped themselves, climbed out of the coaster car, and shuffled down the stairs to meet up with Ana’s father and brother.

“After that,” Karina’s father began. “You can get on any ride you’d like with no fear. Out of all the roller coasters I have been on in my 53 years of life, this has been the most intense one of all… and you did it.”

Yes, she did.

—————————————————————————————–

The group headed back to the hotel not too long after riding on Mr. Freeze. Prior to leaving the park, the girls watched the Glow-in-the Dark parade and made jokes about “Scooby-Doo-me now!”, and although everyone had fun, the relief they felt upon arriving at the hotel was priceless.

The second they entered the Marriott’s lobby, Ana ran over to their mini-mart and purchased a pint of Chocolate Peanut Butter cup ice cream. She skipped over to a table, pint in hand, and began going at it with a spoon, smiling without a care in the world. Karina stared at her pleasured friend in envy.

“How come SHE can attack a pint of ice cream and not get fat? She’s so perfect and happy.”

Then, it came to her that she wouldn’t become “fat” either if she had some ice cream every now and then. She was a teenager. A human. A nd a part of enjoying life is to treat oneself every once in a while. While Karina knew that this was all true, the little monster living inside her head kept her from having a taste of that delicious looking ice cream.

—————————————————————————————–

Karina felt very impressed when she came down for the hotel’s complimentary breakfast. There was a beautiful display of muffins, breads, fruit, cereals, and other popular breakfast items surrounding and calling out to her. She payed no mind to the muffins but ran straight to the pot of warm oatmeal and added some fresh fruit and raisins to her healthy serving of oats. As she passed the bread shelves, she picked up a slice of whole wheat bread and slathered it with blueberry jam. She scooped up extra fruit on a plate along with some far-too-oily scrambled eggs, which she ended up not eating.

Karina sat down at Ana’s breakfast table.

“How was that ice cream last night?”

“It was so good,” Ana replied. “I ate like, half of the container!”

Stab.

“Mmmm, that sounds really good. Where’s your breakfast?”

“Oh, I already ate. I’m so full.”

“What did you eat?”

“A blueberry muffin, some toast, cereal, milk, orange juice, and a bunch of fruit.”

Stab. Stab.

Karina sighed and looked out the hotel dining area’s giant window. Ana was such a pretty and carefree girl. She was a very healthy eater and was in very good shape, but had the ability to treat herself on special occasions. Karina wished she had that level of moderation and control in her life. She wished that she could eat healthy most of the time like Ana, and not feel guilty if she decided to have a slice of cake or a hotel’s blueberry muffin. Ana just seemed to have the perfect level of balance in her life, something Karina wasn’t used to having anymore.

After breakfast, Karina got ready for the road trip home. The day’s makeup:Stila bronze eyeshadow and winged cat eyes using Urban Decay’s oil slick.

Karina daydreamed the entire way home and started feeling hungry after sitting in the car for 3 hours.

“Are we eating lunch soon? I’m out of snack bars.”

“It doesn’t look like it, honey,” her father called out to her in the backseat. “We are stuck in traffic so we will be arriving at the restaurant in The Woodlands later than expected.”

Oh, how Karina wished that she would have just shared that ice cream with Ana last night so that she wouldn’t have eaten her last snack bar before bed. “That Odwalla bar sure did taste mighty good, though, with a glass of milk last night,” Karina’s monster said. “And you saved a load of calories and fat too.“

“Oh, shut up, bitch,” Karina almost said out loud.

—————————————————————————————–

The two families arrived at the Rockfish in The Woodlands to eat lunch together at around 3 PM. Karina ordered the Roaring River Salmon Salad and enjoyed it. She was far too hungry to remember that she had to take a picture of her plate for her blog, however, and sincerely apolagizes to her readers.

Lunch ended, but the Ana and Karina adventures sure didn’t.

Ana went over to Karina’s house, where the girls baked a million Chocolate Peanut Butter cupcakes^^ in a medley of different shapes.

Muffins:

Tea cakes:

And a mini bundt cake!

Surprisingly, Karina allowed herself to lick the spoon they mixed the batter with and share any batter spilled outside of the muffin pans with her friend. It felt so liberating. She even ate two of the tea cakes! Karina felt like a ‘tough guy” as she punched, kicked, and ripped limbs off of that little monster that had made a home inside of her body almost a whole year ago.

Though Karina is not sure when the fight with that monster will be over, she does know for a fact that in time, she will have…

kicked its’ ass.

* Shockwave was the first adult ride that Eddie had rode on in his life. He lost his coaster virginity that Saturday.

^^ The recipe for these cupcakes will be posted under the recipe page very soon.

Peeeachy Keen.

June 8, 2009 at 10:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 21 Comments
Tags: berries, broccoli, carrots, couscous, diana f+, flirting, food, hummus, kashi tlc, layla yogurt, peanut butter and jelly, photography, russian, samantha jones, sex and the city, teenagers, turkey breast, wallaby, weight gain, yogurt

I want to be the girl with the most cake.

CheepCheep! G’day, everyone! I woke up feeling just peachy this morning and do you know why? Because I am FREEEE! I ate whatever the hell I wanted for breakfast… and do you know why? Because I am no longer a calorie counter! WOOOOO! Okay, those are enough exclamation marks for this paragraph. Anyways, I had overnight oats soaked in orange passionfruit wallaby yogurt and topped with berries and pistachios.

After breakfast, I did……….. nothing. I was scheduled to take a test at 1:30 PM, so I just hung about the house and watched Sex and the City. Samantha Jones is my hero!She is so damn fabulous!

I keep reading people’s blogs and everyone has been eating PB&J sandwiches so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and have one myself. I had carrots with my sandwich, and I discovered a cool way to eat them together by wrapping the crust around the carrot.

Have any of you ladies ever had a boy you’ve kind of always talked to and flirted with, but never dated? I started talking to this boy I’ve known for a while again today. We’ve always kind of had a little crush on each other even while he dated like 5,000 other girls. I would date him myself but unfortunately, he is the biggest player EVER! At least, I think so, since he still talks to me every time he has a girlfriend. Can you trust people like that? If he does it with me, who is to say he will not do this with some other girl if we ever dated, you know?

Speaking of cheating, you all know I usually use a Canon Powershot S51S. Little does this camera know that I will be using my Diana F+ alot this summer… I’d like you all to meet Diana.And my russian kitty!

All random photographs aside, my mathematics final was hard. I hope it accidently falls into a fire and dies. I did some major snacking on Kashi TLC crackers and hummus with drinkable yogurt when I got home. Something about guava flavored yogurt in tiny 8 oz. bottles makes my heart melt!

douceur de vivre!

Le din-din: roasted turkey breast, israeli couscous, broccoli sprinkled with feta cheese, and plantain. Everything was totally unmeasured and spontaneous!

You know what is weird? It seems as though since I stopped calorie counting and planning my meals, I actually have an IMPROVED body image. I think all that unnecessary stress was really getting to me and I haven’t even been freaking out much about not counting. It is amazing, I truly believe that I will be successful in recovering. This can’t just be a stage, right? I am even opening up to boys! I am interested in boys again! I never thought this day would come. Flirting is fun… how could I have lost all my “teenagerness” for so long? I am feeling the most carefree that I have in months.

I don’t know what I will be snacking on before bed. Who cares? I’ll have whatever I want

Goodnight everyone, I am sending everyone a giant bear hug from Texas.